Month: March 2011

So you think you are ready for the Big Leagues eh?

As I was looking on the Memphis in May website last night hoping that there would be a late minute addition of Neil Diamond being added to the line up that I saw my old position for Chief Bottle Washer posted on seasonal employment. Due to failed contract negotiations CBT will not be the man atop the hill this year as my request for a larger bottle of Gold Bond, bigger trailer and golf cart with spinners was shot down by management. As part of my agreement to get the first leftover corn dog at BSMF this year I have agreed to pimp part of my worthless dribble of a blog to them getting some good men and women to fill some positions. Now before you think to yourself “self, if CBT can do this then any dumbass body could do this job!” let me warn you NOW! I have seen people cry, I have seen people get voted out of the potato of trust and I have even seen a vegetarian get so upset that they throw down their vow and pick up a turkey leg and start eating!

I have created a list of Pro’s and Con’s for you to consider before you send in your resume and beg to be one of the few that get to wear a radio during the month of May. They are as follows but let me start with the Cons


– You will have more friends come out of the woodwork requesting free passes, special favors, golf cart rides, weather reports & backstage access. “Sure, I will put your name on the list, go see Captain Ron.”

– The hours that you work in comparison to your pay you will realize that you are making the same as a 3rd grader in a Cambodian sweatshop.

– You will get an addiction to Natty Light and Gold Bond Medicated Powder (Don’t ask).

– You are going to get rained on (a LOT!)

– After the festival you will still continue to talk into your shoulder for no other reason.

– There is nothing better than the smell of the porta potties getting pumped out.

– Did I mention you are going to get rained on A LOT?


– Your circle/network of friends will increase by 1500 in a month.

– You get to pull off the biggest outside special event in this region.

– You could fill 2 volumes of “War and Peace” thick books with stories of the crap that you saw/did.

– If you like rain then this is the job for you.

– You will get an addiction to Natty Light and Gold Bond Medicated Powder. (Don’t Ask)

– You get to see some really drunk people do some really stupid things (Bob Dylan’s baby Jesus)

– When you watch the Palladia Concert show you can bug your wife and say “Do you know how they put that stage up?”

So if you think that you have what it takes to be one of the few, please by all means submit your resume HERE but if you want the job do yourself a favor and don’t tell them that CBT sent you. They are still looking for golf cart #29 and according to some of my buddies who still work for MIM I may (or may not) be the prime suspect. All kidding aside if you think you want to do this, feel free to shoot me an email, it is something that you can not explain until you see it first hand. Probably the best explanation I have ever heard about it was from my former boss “It is the best of times & the worst of times all rolled into one.”

Damn thing was wet a lot!

Did I mention the rain?

There are a couple perks I might add

You do get to see about 45 of these things during your term.

You know I don’t think that team is coming back this year.

It kinda gets into your blood.

Opening day = the cleanest these things will ever be!

That is a unique parking place eh Teddy Graham?

Again some of the perks are pretty sweet!

And to think that after 45 days the park goes back to normal (but you will forever be scared!)

What did I tell you about that Gold Bond and Natty Light?

TTK! CBT out!

Flat Maria goes on Spring Break 2K11

There are things in the world that just make good sense and should always go together to compliment each other;
  1. Peanut Butter & Jelly
  2. Vodka Tonic & Lime
  3. Memphis in May Beale Street Music fest & Rain
  4. Bette, Shobo and Carbunkle Trumpet vacation together
Sadly number 4 could not happen this year on our trip south of the 18th latitude as our dear friend Ms Bette had to tend to her mother who was recuperating from hip surgery. Needless to say that momma and I were a little bummed as the 3 of us on the island is always a shit show that is a lot of fun. A couple of weeks prior to departure momma and I were having a vat of wine some fruit juice with dinner, we discussed the idea of taking Ms Bette with us via a Flat Maria. For those of you who are wondering what I am talking about let me let you catch up on these two posts Flat CBT and Flat Chunky don’t worry I will wait for you……………..
Now can you guess what else is going through that twisted mind of mine besides my ADD medicine. Enough with the words let’s get onto the pictures;

Here is Real Maria on one of our first trips to the island
Here is another one and look how thin good looking I am, I need to get off of the sauce and back into the GYM
Yep those two are plotting and scheming again

I always did wonder why Jet wanted to have a pic with her

Here we go, first class ticket, bottle of water and about to pop a sleeping pill for my trip!

We run into our friends from H-Town that we met a couple years back drinking Coconut Water at the Tackle Box

Got to have a pic with the Queen

After a full day of traveling, Celi’s Spicy Fish fingers will bring one back to life

Got to work on that Brooklyn Tan

Enjoying Sunday Funday and we run into Cindy & Renita from Changes in Latitudes B&B

“Don’t worry Bette, I won’t overcharge you like I do Didi” says Betty

Even Mary G wanted to get in some Flat Maria action!

DAMN YOU CBT, You have my Fancy NY Arse on a boat? Notice that Leonard is wondering what the Hell is going on here.

We always knew that Ms Bette was happier driving than being a passenger on the high seas

Giovanni even took Ms Bette on a snorkel at Shark Ray

Hey that isn’t a chicken that is Gail!

Nothing like a Lime Daiquiri from Captain Morgans to quench one’s thirst

Ran into Ken and Mel on the cart ride up north and they told us to swing by Aji’s for a beer so we did.
(We can’t be rude)

As Ms Bette says, here is the luckiest woman on the island and a good friend of ours

Here we are at Linda’s “Shitty Little Bar” having a Stress Captain

You can’t not go to Belize w/o watching Cash Cab

Notice number 5 pool rule. Good thing that Gumata Jennie didn’t make the trip!

Now she sings back up to Dennis Wolfe and the Usual Suspects too?

Carbunkle Trumpet where in the world are you taking me now?

Oh CRAP dear, I know that wall!

See what happens when you have a lot of ear wax build up? The staff at Pedro’s is so nice and helpful

Even Ruthie wanted to help out too!

Good for Wade the Gringo to play along too!

Had to ask Laurie not to post any pics of Flat Maria till I was able to get this blog up, Thanks Taco!

I hope in that flat wallet you have some flat Belize currency because it is about to get ugly!

Going to Pedro’s and not having a picture with Peter is like going to Fort Worth, Texas and not riding the bull.

(As we arrive back from a full day of drinking we run into Felipe who whispers into her ear) “Guess what Maria, I am going to take you fishing tomorrow!”

Wait, I am now just getting over the first boat trip and now I am fishing with Felipe (in 3 foot swells I might add?) Damn you CBT and Shobo!

Aww she caught a fish that was bigger than her and much bigger than Benjie’s fish too!

It wouldn’t be a pic of Flat Maria on a boat w/o her head over the side!

Ran into Trevor at Wayo’s bar too!

Poor Chunky had a bad tooth but he played along (even with the drool from a numb mouth)

Look we even ran into the original Meter Maid and First Son – Cesar!
Stopped by Carumba’s to say hello to Opie

CBT, how long you planning on keeping this show going?

Thank God, Now I can get back to my trashy book and rest up my liver for Memphis in May Music Fest!
On a side note, we did venture over to Elvi’s one night to get a Dirty Banana and sure as I am typing this in my thong, did Alberto walk up to me and say “Hey Buddy, welcome back, where is Maria?” Yep we missed ya Ms Bette and I am so glad that you are 1100 miles away from me because I would hate to get the finger.