You put a “WHAT” on your rear bumper?

Back during my formative years as I attended the University of Arkansas and lived in the Fraternity house I learned a number of things that were not on the curriculum. We learned that true gentlemen will always stand when a female enters the room and under no circumstances should you ever date a Chi Omega sorority girl. I am kidding on dating a Chi Omega and will probably get some hate mail. One tidbit that I really did learn was that one shall never parallel park on fraternity row. Why you ask?  Well if the side swipe & scoot driver didn’t get your side mirror then you were prey to all kinds of other dangers; key happy GDI’s, a pledge not holding his/her liquor and doing a Technicolor yawn on your hood, or my favorite – shitty parallel parkers. Of the 7 years that I had my Maxima up at the University I noticed that both bumpers accumulated plenty of ‘whiskey dents’ on them and I contributed that to parking on the street as ‘normal wear and tear’.

As we punch our “3 week living in NYC” card I have noticed a couple of things here that to the casual outsider may be seem well….a tad silly. One would be the black rubber things that hang on the back bumper of a number of cars parked on the street that is called what else “The Bumper Bully”. Yes, it would appear that car owners here are not overly concerned with pot holes large enough to swallow small sedans, under-carriage corrosion from snow and salt melt in the winters, or those fecking Chirping Chicken bike delivery guys who could make you wreck into a fruit stand, but a couple dings on their plastic bumper. I noticed our friend ML’s front license plate which had a crease in the middle of it and asked her if someone with a trailer hitch got her and she told me that she parked behind a co-worker who had one on his jeep. I mean “kissing bumpers” while parking is just like saying “Good Morning” and you just have to accept it or pay 1K a month to park your car in a garage. When we sold our cars to the car buyer in order to determine the value of the car he was more worried about tires, wrecks, mileage, but not if there were a lot of whiskey dents on the front and back bumper. I am not even going to ask New Yorker’s why so much attention is being paid just to the rear bumper because I have yet to see a ‘bumper bully’ installed on the front bumper.

So feel free to park your car on 71th street my fellow Upper East Side residents and sleep well knowing your rear bumper is safe but pay not attention to the direct hit on your hood by that pigeon. Bless their hearts!

Screen-shot-2014-03-05-at-3_19_53-PMYou want to see a thing of beauty, peep any side street in the UES and they will have those cars lined up like Rockettes and all of them will be equidistant from the curb like they had curb feelers

Bumper_Bully_4I pay 45K for a car, Lord knows how much for car insurance up here but I got to put an ugly ass bumper on my new BMW

Bumper_Bully_12Again, why not protect the front of the car? See that ‘whiskey dent’ on the grey car’s side bumper? That is just ‘character’ up here.

IMG_8678Honey, we have to buy a new bumper bully, ours is going limp. #TWSS

IMG_2051Yes that is a AMG Gremlin and I can confirm that I have seen it still run as I watched it spew black smoke one day. No I didn’t see a Bumper Bully on it.

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