Month: December 2015

Happy New Year Folks

Happy New Years folks, we are que’d up in the 12th stall to the right just south of 45th street and have a great spot to watch the ball drop. Sure we have been here for 4 hours already (arrival at 4:AM EST) and only have 16 more hours standing in the cold without food, water, or bathroom but why not? To my three readers, if you are scratching your head wondering if I have lost my ever loving mind the answer is I am just fecking with you. Nope I am working on a Year in review and should have that for you over the weekend but the thought of doing the above doesn’t really appeal to us. And for those of you saying “It must be because you are scared for your life if a terrorist attack happens” that is bullshit. There will be more than 5K officers in Times Square tonight so give that a rest. We do have some pretty cool NYE plans and I will tell you about them next year.

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Our “view” of where Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin will be. *taken yesterday as I was walking/dodging tourists yesterday*

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As of 12.30.15 the “ball” wasn’t up yet but that is a real shot of where the action will be tonight. Good Luck to my friends in 38103 when they drop the guitar.

Happy New Year and be careful out there folks. We will see you next year.

 

 

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The Week in Pictures

EWR>MEM & MEM>EWR

Have a good one!

Oh, you mean you really like it up there?

This past weekend we made a trip back to Crime-Free Memphis for the holidays. We had a good time and enjoyed ourselves, got to see some family and friends during our abbreviated trip and wish that we would have seen more but maybe next time. While we were in town at least a dozen friends would pull one of us aside and ask us the same question; “So do you really like living up there?” After we would explain to them that we are indeed having a blast we would get the next question; “But when are you moving back?” Well currently we don’t really have plans to move back right now but we don’t want to be one of those couples who ‘never say never’ but thanks for inferring you think we will fail living up in Gotham. Anyway, I came across this LIST from Time Out and let me tell you, it hits home on a couple of things. Probably the biggest thing that I have not gotten used to is people talking on their cell phones VERY LOUD! I mean lady I am glad that your pap schmear (you see what I did there) was normal but I really don’t care about the burning sensation you have but does this conversation really have occur on the Crosstown bus? Oh well, at least I am used to the humidity and we shall see if I can manage my first New York Winter.

26 signs you’re not gonna make it in New York

1. You complain about the smell every summer. Go move near an open meadow or a forest if you can’t take it, weak-nose!

2. You think your art is so important that you shouldn’t have to have a day job, and yet you can’t support yourself with your art revenue. Portland, Oregon, awaits you!

3. You’re afraid to go outside looking less than great. If you can’t go to Key Food or Duane Reade without makeup and cute shoes, you need to move somewhere with giant air-conditioned malls.

4. You think you have a right to privacy. There’s a shack in the woods with your name on it.

5. You haven’t learned how to use the subway within 30 days of moving here. If you don’t by then, you likely won’t. This is trial by fire, people!

6. You’re not a natural adventurer (see above). There are five boroughs filled with amazing stuff that you’ll never find unless you’re prepared to get out there and explore.

7. You have severe claustrophobia. Why torture yourself in a crowded city, in crowded subway cars, on crowded streets, on crowded elevators?

8. You’re sidewalk-shy. Not a walker? Not a New Yorker.

9. You can’t handle living with a roommate. Sorry pal, but you’re going to have one (or, like, three) until you get married, win the lottery or move away.

10. You actually let someone push past you and steal your cab—you’re never going to make it here if you can’t fight for what’s rightfully yours. (Unless you’re upstreaming. In that case, release the dogs!)

11. You raise your voice when speaking to people who don’t speak English well, as if that will help them understand you and not just make everyone think you’re a crazy yelling person.

12. You actually take flyers and CDs from the guys on the street. Lugging around a bag full of trash is no way to live, metropolitan aspirant.

13. You regularly succumb to sales pressure and upsells. You have to be (mostly) immune to that shit here.

14. You’re not into the arts. Besides the bazillion amazing events happening 24-7, there are beautiful murals on the streets and buskers on every corner.

15. You get outraged every single time you go grocery shopping. Either learn to deal with the ludicrous prices here or move on, good sir/madam!

16. You don’t drink coffee. Sure we’ll stray to macha or hot chocolate from time to time, but there’s only one brew that truly makes us tick.

17. You think “real New Yorkers” don’t shop or eat at chains. Yes, they do. And if you don’t, you’re going to run out of money really fast. And Five Guys is really good!

18. You regularly shush people in any context. We’ve all wanted to do it (and occasionally do), but if you can’t put up with a little extra chatter at a concert/reading/movie/comedy show/whatever, you probably don’t have the focus required to live here.

19. You’re scared of screaming people on a crowded street instead of just irked by them.

20. You lose your place in the book you’re reading on a crowded subway platform.

21. You can’t eat and walk at the same time.

22. You complain about the weather. Yes, we have snowstorms, and yes, we have the worst humidity known to man. But it’s worth it for those blissful four days of spring and two days of fall we get every year. If you don’t like seasons, move to L.A.

23. You think it’s dirty. And crowded. It is, but the sky is also blue! People who love it here don’t mind those things.

24. You still haven’t learned how to fold your pizza slice.

25. You’re not a romantic at heart. That springtime blossom! Those snowy brownstones! The sight of either of our two beautiful rivers. If these things don’t make your heart soar in the midst of the chaos, we suggest you move to the ‘burbs.

26. You’re not prepared to help out your fellow Gothamite. We may be a surly bunch, but when the chips are down, we are so there.

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Yeah, we shall see if CBT can do this or will my friend in Nova Scotia be laughing her arse off!

Not sure if I will post again before the end of the year as we have OTB & Ziggy in town and have dinner plans every night. Then for New Years eve we are ringing in 2016 with Jimmy Buffet and Huey Lewis!  Happy New Year!

 

 

We may have lost the war….

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas break and for those of you still on break, I hope that you are staying warm.  While I was waiting for my Buttermilk Biscuits to proof and my nephew’s hoverboard to burst into flame I ran across this ARTICLE. This hit home for a couple of reasons; first I was glad that I wasn’t the only person who still did about 75% of these things and second, I get hazed on a daily basis for some of these by my New York coworkers.  Now before you are about to say that I am inferring that all New Yorkers are assholes, I am not saying that. New Yorkers, about 90% of them, practice good manners and play by the rules. I normally get singled out the moment when I say “mam” or “sir” following a “yes” or “no” statement. That is when the “Hey we got someone who is from the South” alarm sounds and they realize I am not from around these parts. Case in point; one of my coworkers could not wrap her New Jersey mind around the fact that I was going to send a Thank You note via the USPS to a vendor for a favor she gave me. “Why don’t you just text her or email her” she asked? I told her that any good southern gentlemen always writes a handwritten note in ink thanking them and you could see the wheel spinning but the hamster was on vacation. Anyway, I have attached the list as a reminder for my 3 readers in the hopes that on Easter Sunday we will have New Yorkers wearing Seersucker.

Here are a few Southern Gentleman Traditions that should still apply today:

A gentleman will …

1… open her door
In old days, it was seen as a sign of his protection and strength, when a gentleman would help a lady up into the carriage. Their dresses were often long and heavy, so the gentleman would open the door for her so she wouldn’t have to drop her dress in the dirt. Today, opening a door for her is not a sign of weakness towards her, but a gesture of affection.

2… let her walk through the door first
Women should always go through the door first. Even ardent feminists will admit to this. It’s not an acknowledgment that women are the weaker sex — it’s perhaps an acknowledgment of women as the stronger sex.

3… pull out her chair
In old days, it was common for the gentleman to pull out her chair and allow her to face the open room. Today, the gentleman pulls out her seat, and sits facing away from the crowd and the TV. Why? Because he doesn’t need to be distracted — she needs to be the center of his attention, not a football game.

4… pick up the check
A gentleman always picks up the tab, especially on the first date, and with no expectations.

5… hold the umbrella when it rains

When raining, a gentleman will hold the umbrella over her. No, he does not mind getting a little wet.

6… stand to her outside, closest to the street, when walking
Symbolically this might be seen that he’ll always be by her side, through thick and thin, and will protect her from anything. But this does have historical merit to it. Before today’s sewage systems, a man would stand on the outside of the sidewalk to protect a woman from the dust and sewage that could splash up from horse-drawn carriages. The notion of the man laying his coat over a puddle meant he was protecting her feet from fecal because sewage was common in the streets. Today, a gentleman might stand in the way of puddles splashing up the street, or in the event a car veers onto the sidewalk.

7… help her put on and take off her coat
Up through the early 1900s, women often wore multiple layers, making movement difficult. A gentleman would help his lady put-on and take-off her coat due to these restrictions. And while those multiple layers are less common today, men should still offer to help.

8… never walk ahead of her
Another reason with historical relevance. Because ladies often wore long dresses and could trip on them, a gentleman would stand behind them when climbing a staircase. Today, because of long heels or a long dress, a gentleman should follow the same etiquette. This is another sign of him protecting her.

9… walk her to her car / door
Because he’s concerned for her safety, a true gentleman will walk her to her car or home to this day

10… carry her bags
A gentleman will help her carry her bags — whether they are groceries, packages, or she needs help with her luggage when flying.

11… give up his jacket
A gentleman will always pay attention. When she starts to shiver, he gives her his jacket.

12… give up his seat
If there are no other seats available, a gentleman offers his seat to a lady.

13… tip his hat
Tipping a hat to a lady is good form. If he’s at a dinner table, a gentleman will always take off his hat — cowboy hat, baseball hat, or otherwise.

14… stand when she walks into the room
As a sign of respect, men used to stand when a lady, dignitary, or elderly person walked in the room. Today, when a woman comes into a room, or to the table, a gentleman should stand up to acknowledge her. Period. Standing for her shows they are attentive and they care.

15… never laugh for the sake of attention
Loud, unruly laughter is the characteristic of recklessness and bad-manners. A gentleman commands attention through his character, not his volume.

16… sit after she sits
She’s the guest — a gentleman will allow her to sit first.

17… he listens to her
There’s etiquette to listening: If a woman is talking, be quiet. Just shut up. To be a good listener is as important as to be a good talker. Simple enough, right?

18… always on time
A gentleman is only as good as his word. He should plan in advance and don’t ever keep her waiting. Traffic is not an excuse for being late.

19… be complimentary of her
Even if is she is late, she spent a lot of time getting ready, so compliment her. Don’t play on her insecurities, either. Insulting her is petty.

20… be trustworthy
A gentleman will always keep a secret, especially one entrusted to him by the woman he loves and cherishes. Should the relationship end and a break-up happen? The gentleman should still be trusted.

21… never look inside her purse
Whether he is invited or uninvited. A gentleman should simply refuse. Bring her her purse, don’t fish around in there. A gentleman doesn’t need to know what’s in there, and they don’t want to know.

22… never guess her age, or her weight
A gentleman should never even talk about weight in front of a woman. It’s rude and disrespectful.

23… keep his appointments
A big part of being a gentleman is respecting other people’s time. When a gentleman tells someone they’re going to help them with something, they help them. When a gentleman promises they’ll have a project done by a certain date, they meet the deadline. Not only does this build trust, it helps build self-trust, a crucial-yet-underrated form of trust for a gentleman.

24… send a proper thank you note
What constitutes a thank-you note? Don’t use technology as a crutch. Text messages are impersonal and e-mails should be forbidden. I believe the old adage that the sooner you write a thank-you note, the less you need to write. Here is a simple formula: Start with a first line thesis statement. The second line is designative. The third is a kind of an affirmation. Close with something uplifting.

25… pick up after himself
A gentleman keeps a tidy office, home, and car. It shows he takes himself seriously, and takes pride in what he’s worked hard for. No one looks up to a slob.

26… never hit a woman
No matter the reason or the circumstance, a gentleman never hits a woman…no matter what.

27… sends his mother-in-law flowers on his wife’s birthday
His mother-in-law will always be the one who helped his wife when she was sad, skinned her knee, and kept her safe. For that, he should always be grateful. Showing appreciation to a mother-in-law and her sacrifice is a great way to tell a spouse ‘Happy Birthday.’

28… ask her father for her hand in marriage
In Victorian days, a gentleman would have to show his ‘credentials’ to her father to show his worthiness. Today, a gentleman asks her father for his blessing because it shows a sign of courtesy and respect to his future father-in-law.

Next week we will work on saying “Well Bless Your Heart” instead of saying “Go Feck Yourself”

 

New York Etiquitte 101

 

My Bless Your Heart post got a lot of traction and not just by my friends who have 2 first names either. I got some good responses and naturally some negative; *Oh by the way Anonymous 384 it is “You’re a dumbass, not “Your a dumbass” but thanks for playing* So for my 3 readers I figured I would put together a list of those things that New Yorkers find annoying or have scolded me in my 4 short months living here;

  1. Walking on the streets – Yes we walk fast up here. Want to see a fight between me and Mrs. Trumpet, who only walks a block to work each day? Watch us walk together on the streets. Now she claims “I drag her” but I say that she is just lollygagging. In seriousness here is the skinny on walking – treat it just like you are driving. Stay on the right side and you pass on the left. Walking in New York is much like driving in Memphis, you will get scolded if you are going slow in the left lane so hurry the Feck up!
  2. Subway/Elevator passage – “Stand to the side and let the people off the subway/elevator first!” It ain’t rocket science folks yet countless trains are delayed because someone ‘has’ to get a seat.
  3. Texting and Walking – It is the same as Texting and Driving, if you do it plan on getting scolded, bumped into, or fall down a Bilco hatch into a shop basement. In the Tourist zones there are scammers who will ‘bump’ into people who are buried in their phones and fake an injury. Don’t do it folks, it is an easy trap to fall into.
  4. Selfie’s on the street – Just be aware of your surroundings and don’t create a traffic jam.
  5. Ordering in a deli/bagel shop – The terms, “Extra, Light, Little Less, and Sauce on the Side” do hold merit up here but only should be used once when placing a sandwich or bagel order. If you plan on using more than one of these terms when placing an order and you risk being scolded by the illegal alien deli worker.
  6.  Courtesy does actually count – I walk past many carnival barkers/newspaper & flyer pushers each and every day. A simple “No thank you” goes a long way and they get the picture. Now if those pesky Planned Parenthood feckers keep on, feel free to yell at them when they persist after you have issued a “No thank you.”
  7. Use the Bathroom every time you walk by one – I can’t tell you how many times I have done the “Pee Pee Dance” on the subway because I didn’t use the can before leaving the previous bar or establishment. Even if they did exist you don’t want to use a subway bathroom and don’t even think about taking a whiz between the subway cars, I hear that they will lock you up and throw away the key.
  8. Dog Walking/Petting – Just because you see a cute doggie wearing a sweater that probably is more expensive than your first car it doesn’t give you the right to pet him/her without first asking the owner. Let me put it to you this way, try to pick up a baby out of one of those strollers and see the response the person pushing the stroller gives you.
  9. Nobody cares how important or how much of a hurry you are, your ass ain’t going to the front of the line.
  10. New York is made up of many different cultures, religions, beliefs and opinions. If you don’t necessarily agree with them it doesn’t give you the right to try to put them down.  Embrace it or GTFO.

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Seriously this is a huge problem on the streets of Manhattan, someone will end up getting killed.

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Some signs they have in the subway cars which hit the nail on the head

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Not necessarily approved subway signs but they bring up a good point.

Now go be good to each other!

Pictures of Week – Happy Festivus Baby!

You ever hear of a band called Squeeze? #weareold

Our trusted NYC consigliere and good friend, Maria, had a unexpected family emergency and was unable to use her tickets for Squeeze acoustic. She inquired if we would like to go and naturally, we both said yes, so off to The PlayStation Theater near Times Square we go. I did make the mistake by telling a cohort that I was attending the show and since she was born after 1988…..she just nodded and said to enjoy the show.
We arrive at the theater, are directed to our seats and we start to check out the crowd who has already assembled. Mrs. Trumpet leans over in my direction and says “God, these people are old!” I couldn’t even get it out of my mouth till she recants and says “Wait, this means we are old too!”

Now right now my fellow blogger Bad Ass Auntie is snickering because she is always quick to take the piss out of me because of my love of older bands, oh well we had a blast at the show. It was an acoustic show so pretty much it was Glenn Tilbrook and Chris Difford playing back and forth but they still have it and didn’t miss a step. The show was great, they played all the hits and even played some new songs from their new album….New Album? Good work out of you boys!

singles_hiIf you didn’t play any of these songs on the jukebox at Alex’s Tavern you are dead to me!

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Glenn belting out some “Pulling Mussels from the Shell”

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Chris jamming out some chords!

Again, thank you Maria we do appreciate the tickets and can’t wait to see you soon.

 

What’s the name of the butter again?

Remember that post a while back when I said that this blog isn’t a food Blog when we dined at that French seafood joint? Well we did it again! No we didn’t dine at Le Bernardin, we went big balls and dined at Per Se. We were invited to dine with a group  of friends who had a standing reservation the last Saturday before Christmas and this year were celebrating their 8th year of doing so. For those of you scratching your head wondering what is Per Se, it is the top, it is the summit, it another 3 star Michelin rated restaurant owned by Thomas Keller. Keller owns a another famous joint over on the left coast called French Laundry, you may have heard about it. Still got nothing? Let me put it into words you can understand, after dining there last night, if the grim reaper, no not the skydiving guy from California, the actual angel of death were to come up and tap me on the shoulder, I am ok with that.

My fellow foodie who dresses up her cat told me that I had to be better in describing the dishes and I plan on scanning the menu and wine paring and sending to her but for me to describe the 11 courses we at last night? Forget about it! This place is insane for foodie fans, I mean they name the freaking butter! The butter is churned specifically for Per Se on a farm outside of New York and they have names for the cows for Christ sake!  Seriously, Per Se is one of the top 5 restaurants in the world and I am very appreciate of Mr. 3 First Names and his Lady Barrister friend for the invitation.

IMG_9972I am sure she is cussing me and putting on a different outfit for her cat right now.

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Good Looking Group! We had a blast!

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You got to love a joint that has their own Duck Press!

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Sober as New Orleans’s Supreme Court Judges

 

They say that one can measure your wealth by the number of great friends you have. Mrs. Trumpet and I are some rich SOB’s!

Thanks to DS, JAM and Tim for the invite and we hope to make the cut next year!

Pictures from the Week

Note, we are heading back to 38103 next weekend so you better be good or you will end up on the Naughty list of the Pic of the Week.

Have a good weekend!

Well Bless your heart….

On Saturday morning I had to head into Midtown to grab a couple of last minute Christmas gifts. The MoMA store is on 53rd between 5th and 6th and is smack dab in the middle of the Tourist Zone. To venture into this area on the weekend….well let’s just say I would rather masturbate with a cheese grater than do this.  My plan was to be at store the moment that they were open which was 9:30AM. It was a surgical strike, I was in and out of the store and on my way to the 51st Street subway station in 10 minutes. As I get to the Subway entrance I had to refill my Metro Card so I get in line for the automated kiosk. As I was punching in my stuff I overhear a southern accent that was very easy to spot. Mary Margaret was about to purchase 3 Metro cards for her party when I inform her that she can purchase one card and swipe 3 times. Needless to say she was appreciate of my suggestion so off I went. As luck would have it, I found myself in the same subway car with the 3 Southern Belles and Beth Ann asks me which subway stop would be best to get to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I inform her that the 86th street would be their stop and they would have to walk East for 3 cross streets to 5th Avenue.

The women thank me again and inform me that I was the first New Yorker to be nice to them since their arrival yesterday evening from Jackson Mississippi. I bite my tongue and don’t divulge that I too am from the south but my curiosity about her comment got the best of me. I inquire as to why they feel that New Yorkers are rude and mean. Beth Ann informs me “We were walking in Times Square last night and decided to take a selfie at the NYPD station. There were 3 businessmen who yelled at us because they were in a hurry. I told them that I have as much right to stand on the street as they did and he told me to Go Feck myself. He was rude.”

I couldn’t help myself but I asked the ladies if this ‘selfie’ was in the street or at a corner and sure enough that was the case. I then inquire as if they have ever driven their SUV on I-55 and I get 3 heads nodding yes. I then ask them what would happen if they decided after driving 65 MPH they came to an abrupt stop on the highway. Scarlet blurts out as she takes a sip from her extra large Starbucks coffee cup that you would probably get rear ended. I ask them if the cars behind them would honk their horn and sure enough I get 3 nodding heads.

Thankfully I got to the 68th Hunter College stop before I could inquire any further or they figured out where I was going with my line of questions.  I do hope they got a chance to get down to Canal Street and pick up some fake knock off Michael Kors purses.

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Here is the damn Tree as seen from 5th Avenue

Have a nice day from the only New Yorker who is nice.