“Bend over and say Ahhh” CBT went to the doctor

One of the biggest adjustments moving to a new city, other than living amongst 9 million more people, is getting new doctors, dentists, liquor store clerks, and even a bookie. So far everything has been pretty good and checked off with the exception of finding a new primary care physician. I followed the advice of a good friend of mine who told me to find a doctor who is the same age or younger than you. The reason is very simple; you don’t want to outlive your doctor. I find a doctor on the Upper West Side and go to meet her for my first visit. Below is our exchange;

Doc – “I see by looking at your previous physician’s notes that you have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, elevated liver enzymes and high levels of triglycerides. You also were 28 pounds heavier and were lectured by your doctor to lose weight.”
Me – “My former doctor was also my cousin so she had family authority to chew my ass out because I ate like crap and didn’t exercise. She also had the smallest hands in Shelby County in case she needed to check my prostate.”

Doc – “Well I am happy that you lost the weight and I am happy to report that your blood pressure is normal. Did you lose the weight by changing your diet?”
Me – “I admit that walking everywhere up here in New York has contributed to my weight loss that and breaking up with Chef Charity who cooked southern food that was to die for helped my cause. I have not eaten fast food since moving up here and my fruits and vegetable intake has gone up substantially.”

Doc – “Let me ask you some questions that you said yes on your medical history. You said that you drink alcohol, how many drinks do you drink in a week?”
Me – “How about we make a deal doc. I won’t tell you the number of drinks, you won’t ask again, and in exchange I will pay your bill upon leaving the clinic. Capiche?”
Doc – *marks down ‘Social Drinker’ with the understanding that I am very social*

Doc – “We will need to take some blood so we can run a full battery of cholesterol, lipid, and triglycerides and make sure everything is going well on your insides. Have you had a colonoscopy or EKG in the past 5 years?”
Me – “Doc, look this is our first date, I don’t know what preconceptions you have about the south but we aren’t ready to go ‘there’  just yet. Also I am only 45 so I have 5 more years before we take it to the next level. We can still be friends right?”

Well I am happy to report that I am taking one pill off my morning routine and I am 5 pounds shy of needing a step down BP med! I do miss Chef Charity’s cooking and hungover Chick-fil-A with sweet tea but I am healthier!  I do like my new doctor and as long as she and I don’t talk about my cigars then we will have a long professional relationship.


Of course my Vitamin D is low, this is FUCKING New York! I haven’t seen the sun up here in a month!

I hope that you enjoyed this, yes it tongue and cheek but I am healthier living up here. Who would have thought that New York gave me a clean bill of health!


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