We are going to need a bigger boat!

I remember like it was yesterday. Crazy Aunt Buffy taking a 6 year old to see the movie “Jaws” at the Poplar & Highland Malco Quartet. I recall Ben Gardner’s head popping out of his boat scaring the ever loving shit out of me. I can still summon up visions of them lowering Hooper into the water in his shark cage. Still to this day when I take a bath and the water gets opaque I still kind of freak out thinking there could be a shark in the tub with me. (enough imagery, I will stop now) I was lying on the couch this past weekend enjoying the effects of trying to drink the Flatiron area out of beer the night before when “Jaws” comes on TV. I think to myself that there is no finer movie to fall in and out of sleep to and start quoting the movie verbatim.

I think that it was during scene when the Mayor, Chief Brody and Matt Hooper are discussing about the Great White in the shadow of the vandalized billboard that it hits me. Amity Island is up in the Atlantic Region,…WAIT…I now live in the effing Atlantic Region!!!! Whisky Tango Foxtrot I jump up a do a quick Google search to find out that Amity Island was basically Martha’s Vineyard up in Boston. An uneasy feeling comes over me. No it wasn’t the 2AM Dim Sum order that inhaled in my kitchen wearing only a pair of boxers and socks that made me sick to my stomach. It was that I live 5 hours away is where the inferred shark attacks took place. I mean, I am planning on enjoying some beach time this summer at Atlantic City, Long Beach and possibly the Hamptons but there may be sharks in that water? OH HELL TO THE NO!

Don’t get me wrong, I grew up summering in Destin, Fort Walton Beach, and all up and down the Red Neck Rivera and never once it crossed my mind about shark attacks. Now you are telling me that we live 266 miles from where that little Kitner kid got eaten whole? By the way, how old was that boy’s mother? She must have been 50 when she gave birth! So, I guess if that damned Crosstown bus doesn’t get me then it will be a Carcharodon Carcharias attack. Better wear my anti shark charm when I head to the beach this summer.

IMG_0557Wonder if I could wear that jacket to work events? I bet that some people have that hanging in their closet.

IMG_0558“I want the little paint happy bastard caught and strung up by their Buster Browns.” What exactly does that mean?

IMG_0562No way that a shark would try to take a piece out of me. Not when I was wearing my chain!

Have a good one and I hope that you didn’t spit out your coffee from that last picture.


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