I have not done one of my “North vs South” updates in a while so allow me put my reporting cap on. I was having a conversation with one of my work cohorts discussing the joys of having Fresh Direct grocery delivery service. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that, it is basically online grocery shopping that you can have your groceries delivered to your front door in 2 hour windows. The selection is great, the quality of fresh seafood, meats and produce is top notch. The prices are better than the ass rape that they do over at Morton Williams, you can get beer and liquor delivered too and you don’t have to schlep it either. I was telling LZ that I like the service but there are a few items that I can’t get from Fresh Direct or have found in grocery stores. To get these items I have to source them from Amazon. “What can’t you get from Fresh Direct” inquired my work cohort?
“Well I can never find Rotel Tomatoes so I have to get them via Amazon or take a long walk to the local Gristedes Grocery Store.” I explained. It was here that the puzzled look comes out and I now have to explain to my Northern cohort “What the Feck is a Rotel Tomato”. I will stop here and break out a couple of lists for you to enjoy;
In the North
- Drinks Seltzer Water because you don’t want the sugar. It is friggin bubbled water! In the South we call that shit Club Soda and we serve it with Vodka and a friggin lime!
- The automatic hand dryers in the restrooms have Cat 5 Hurricane winds as compared to those sucky hand dryers you find in McDonald’s bathrooms. *The hand dryers at Bardog or Aldo’s are NYC approved if you are wondering WTF I am talking about.
- If the Temp is in the mid 30’s with a 10 MPH wind but the sun is shining then BY GAWD it is a beautiful day. Case in point, I ate my lunch last week in the park while my hands were shaking from hypothermia but it was a beautiful day.
- You don’t have canned Rotel Tomatoes, Velveeta Cheese in a 3 pound brick, carry quart size Iced Tea bags or have more than 3 kinds of BBQ Sauce in a retail bottle.
- Think that putting Liquid Smoke on a chicken breast and cooking it in the oven is as good as Memphis smoked yardbird.
- Think that the Non-Panhandle of Florida is the only acceptable place to vacation in Florida.
In the South
- We use terms like “Hows ya Momma and them?”, “X got the snot kicked out of them by Y”, and my personal favorite “Mosquitoes so bad they could stand flatfooted and rape a turkey”!
- We plan weddings around Football season and will declare that a marriage will end in divorce if it is on a big game weekend.
- Wonder why bagels have to be so damned good up here and taste like shit below the Mason Dixon line.
- Don’t have to take out a personal loan when drinking on a patio or rooftop. *DISCLAIMER – It has been a while since I went to The Peabody’s Rooftop Party*
“Are they similar to Beefsteak Tomatoes?” Check out that price per can btw
As served right next to the inch thick ribeye steaks
Oh how I love thee Nova with Scallion Cream Cheese on a Salt Bagel – NOT TOASTED
It is friggin Club Soda!
I hope you enjoyed this, we really do love living up here. We still pinch ourselves and are very happy we pulled this trigger.