“Wait, is a Southerner about to lecture The Irish and Honorary Irish New Yorkers on how to drink for St. Patrick’s Day? Jackass, please continue.” said every New Yorker this morning who just read that title while having their cornflakes and Guinness beer.
Now allow me to quickly retort before I get a shamrock shoved up my ass. I am not telling you how to drink; I am merely giving you some suggestions so that you won’t end up in the pokey or curled up next to some ugly arse girl/guy tomorrow morning. You are reading from someone who on a yearly basis survives The Memphis Festival Season so put that in your bagpipe and smoke it why don’t you. Memphis festival season starts in Early April and runs for 6 weeks till the week following Memorial Day weekend. Just to show that I ain’t afraid and still have the Big Balls, I schedule a yearly liver enzyme exam the day following Memphis Italian Festival. Oh and I pass that exam easier than I did College Algebra. No disrespect to you New Yorkers but if you think you got it in you, head on down to Memphis and get you some. I have seen more cases of MPH from out of towners after a big weekend than I care to think about. *DISCLAIMER – I normally do the same list for Memphis in May BBQ fest each and every year but this time I shall tweak the list. Without further ado;
- It is a marathon, not a race. Sure we appreciate you drinking Irish car bombs 2 at a time but dude it is 6:30 in the morning. And those people who are in the same subway car with you are actually going to work and not the parade.
- Her shirt may read “Kiss me I am Irish” but her boyfriend who is fetching drinks won’t take too kindly when you lay the kiss of a lifetime on her. Oh and the boyfriend probably is on probation for anger management.
- Your 4 year old son may love to take a whizz outside the house in Woodlawn but that doesn’t make it ok for you to do it on 5th Avenue.
- Girls, they really are not wearing any underwear under that kilt. So if you are brave enough to take a peek you may see something you don’t want to see. I bet they haven’t ‘manscaped’ yet this season.
- She may have the tits of a 20 year old but I bet she is actually 16 years old drinking on a fake ID. I bet there is a similar law up here to what they have in Memphis. If 1 goes into less than 18 that equals 10 years in Jail.
- Ladies, they played for 4 hours and walked 100 city blocks blowing into a dead animal bladder. Let the Pipes and Drum boys get their drink on before you want a selfie.
- Boys, I bet that she really isn’t into you that much but simply wants to cut in line for the bathroom.
- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – PUT THE “APPROVE TAGGED PICTURE” OPTION ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. There is always “that guy/girl” who takes a less than flattering picture. And if they still do, you may want to rethink your life choices and friends.
- In general, leave the phone/camera at home. How many pics of a hot ginger female with nice boobs do you really need? Shout out to Missy!
- Eat a sandwich every 4 hours. They say that 90% of alcoholics die of malnutrition. Of course not my big ass. I eat another slice of pizza from my boys on 67th I may need a new zipcode.
- If you get into trouble during the parade, just tell them you know The Memphis Fire Chief Benjie and that should do the trick.