Bar 595

How Do You Reheat A Pizza?

Recall the post when I was bitching about cooking for one person? Well Geranium did it to me again…..she ordered another Marley Spoon on her way to Seattle. By the way L.J.Z. – I have supported your ass now for 3 years….. When are you going to send “Banker Man” to one of my eye-talian suit guys? *If you are wondering what I am talking about. There is an un-written rule for us fellow sales reps that sell tickets on the double decker buses. You always support your own*

Anyway I informed Jackie, our evening desk person, that I would be cooking for her because I had 3 meals to either cook or trash. She was excited and didn’t bring dinner last night. The order that you have to cook proteins for Marley Spoons are in this order; Seafood, Meat/Pork and Vegetarian. ****Imagine that, the food that the cow’s shit on can last longer****

Last night I made the grilled salmon and grilled vegetables with a red pepper pesto sauce. I cooked it to the recipe directions (ish) by using a cast iron skillet plate that I have had for years. If you are not sure what I am talking about it. This is a cast iron rectangle plate that has a flat side and on the other side is ribbed for her pleasure. TRANSLATION – This gives you the open flame grill marks if you are not cooking outside on a Weber charcoal grill. I made the dish to the directions and grilled the Broccoli, Squash, Red Onion and Salmon in the apartment using the plate. I take it down to Jackie and fellow peer and they are freaking out on the grill marks.

  • “Did you go down to the 3rd floor and use one of the outside grills? (By the way those fuckers are electric) I inform them I made it in the apartment and used a plate.
  • “Oh, you made this on a special plate that I will never need unless I have to cook inside, I will be fine ordering from Seamless or Uber Eats.”

I look at Jacky and ask her if she has never cooked on an open flame before. *She is originally from Barbados* and she says that she has. I told her that if I didn’t have a plate I could have made due with a bakers cookie cooling rack and my stove. It was right then that I lost the poor girl and realized that the millennial generation needs to step it up. Seriously you fuckers may starve to death if the microwave gives out or Uber Eats can’t deliver.

*Back History – I grew up in the time when there wasn’t a food network. There wasn’t a cooking demonstration at William Sonoma. There certainly wasn’t a cooking show on TV. I mean I pretty much learned how to cook watching my mother/father or the maid. However in this case, I learned how to cook at the ripe age of 23 years old from the chefs at the 4-star Chez Philippe Restaurant in the Peabody Hotel Meanwhile I while living in the Shrine Building in downtown Memphis.*

I have said many times that I am little shit. No seriously, I admit it openly. Poor Geranium, while we were dating, grew tired of eating all the Heavy Cream dishes that I would make each weekend. To my defense, I would watch the guys on the line make these dishes nightly. I would think “I could do this!” Actually, I am surprised I didn’t kill her because I later realized that the chefs would par-cook the proteins and I just watched the finishing moment. In other words, my shitwas half cooked.

Cutting to the case – Bourdain would always preach that one should learn how to made an omelet.

“The way you make an omelet reveals your character.”

He was referring to if you bring a person home for the night you at least owe him/her a decent meal before they are about to do the “walk of shame.” Millennials you need to start paying attention. You need to go buy you some items to put in the kitchen before you buy that Cross Fit membership. Then you should start playing around with cooking by watching You Tube or a cooking show. Try your dishes on your friends or that roommate that you always hate. This way when you are ready to cook for someone special you will be ready and not burning an a simple omelet for that one-night stand. Seriously folks, eggs are sold by the dozen. I even taught the Lady Killer how to break an egg without breaking shell. I mean, you need to do this and do it with grace. Wait till his mother, *who is the author for the title of this worthless dribble* finds out I have made the lady killer more marketable.

Changing the Subject yet again – My nephew when he was 12 fucking years old made Philly Cheese Steaks for Geranium and I. He was self-taught and figured it out from watching YouTube. *Of course Geranium was right behind him but he wanted to cook and by GOD he made dinner with little to no help…..And it was good too!* People, this is not brain surgery. Go forth and learn how to feed yourself! I am not asking you to field dress a deer, I am asking you to cook a decent burger and then serve it to someone.

So, in no consequential order this is the list of items that one should have in their kitchen. Jose Andres goes big baller with a Juicer but I say do this in baby steps. So here is what I say you need;

$4.00 Bakers wire Rack and you have a grill. Yes it is going to get dirty but whats the point of cooking if you aren’t going to get dirty. Oh by the way I see this get up all the time in the Korean Joints in Manhattan. Anyone Can Grill indoors.
This was the plate I used for cooking dinner tonight. If you don’t have one, it is fine.
The racks that are soaking in the sink. – I am cutting to my chase guys I promise
I did get some good grill marks tonight!
Get a Decent Knife and sharpen it every time. Yes I am an asshole and have all kinds of knives but I assure you they are sharp and ready to go.
Buy you a decent saute and and skillet pan.
BTW – Those pots and pans are 20 years old. Yes they are expensive but when you pay top dollar for stuff you will treat it differently.
The beauty of quality is that it will last forever.
Whatever you have that is your own I assure that you treat it with dignity and respect. Yes I acknowledge that I am anal retentive
You may lose a finger tip but get a Mandolin.
Always buy spices and seasonings. Try them all the time. Worse Case is that you have to order take out pizza!
Case in point, I found this recipe for Grilling Salt on Garden & Gun. Tried it one time and called my grilling concierge and told him I am sending him some goodness. He loved it and gave some to RJ
These baking pans are over 22 years old. We got them when we got married. Don’t ask for money. Ask for good cooking equipment!
Not the first item you have to get – I still don’t know how to use this fucking thing.
I know that Geranium loves it so it has a shelf to it’s own. Carbunkle Trumpet Says to master a knife, a Saute Pan and a stock pan then when you want to burn money get one of these.
#RoboCares
Gathered Dust Since we got it!

Bottom Line is Try Different Stuff.

Try to cook something other than your normal drunk food.

And if you have a new Kitchen Toy or recipe please don’t be bashful. I love things that are different.

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Bar 595 and Having Fun With Telemarketers

You probably have heard of Bar 595 if you live in Memphis. You probably have drank a beer out of one of the Coozies. You probably have seen a Bald Guy from England post pictures of the coozie all over the world. Still don’t know what I am talking about? Do a search for Bar 595 on Facebook and you can figure it out. 

It is rare that my personal foam rings. Normally when it does it is either a doctors office confirming my upcoming appointment or a telemarketer. Since I keep the 901 area code phone it is pretty easy to tell who is a real call or who is a telemarketer. I have to give them credit, they mask the number to make it look like it was my number missing a digit or something like that. 

So the other day when the phone rang I answered with my traditional “Go for Carbunkle Trumpet” and the caller was asking for the owner of Bar 595. For whatever reason I decided I would play along instead of saying that I was busy and to remove my number from your fucking list. I said that I was but I was kinda busy and to hurry it up. They were telling me about their credit card solutions and if we were interested in changing vendors.  I said I was all for it and have a rep come by tomorrow after my lunch rush. 

I bet that the staff at HW/AMF miss me and my mad Telemarketer messing with Skills
I got him back from when he gave me a shout out on the airplane to Vegas, to Belize and last years return trip to Memphis at Christmas. “They are going to be more lit than the Christmas Tree!”

English Mike I may give them your number next time. 

Pictures of the Week

Well we made it to Friday guys! The schools are out for the summer up here so it is officially summer in the North East. This weekend we are excited in the fact that we really don’t have much planned other than a show on Saturday night/Early Sunday morning. Mary Louise told me that she wants to sleep in tomorrow as her ass has been getting up early heading to Penn to catch early trains into New Jersey.

Anyway here are some pictures from the past weeks;

IMG_3495Such a mean woman. Looking out for my best interest so I don’t get my ass fired.

IMG_3480Since we have grills on the 3rd floor I took advantage of them. Honey Ginger Teriyaki marinated Pork Tenderloin that Ernie Mellor of A Moveable Feast/Hog Wild Catering makes.

IMG_3481Hog Wild’s BBQ Shrimp on the grill (they ask that we cook on the foil) very strange if you ask me.

IMG_0428What in the Actual Fuck? Anyone who wears shorts with a suit aka Eddie Munster should have their throat punched. Do you hear me?

IMG_3419Coming up on the 3 year anniversary of us living up here.

IMG_3421When in Times Square

IMG_3423Someone buy my mothers house won’t you? We are jumping the gun and putting her in the Retirement Home with an open Bar. (I am kidding, she is moving near my sister in East Memphis)

IMG_3498A Midtown Uniform Sighting. It was in the mid 80’s that day but douche nozzle felt the need to wear a vest to keep him warm.

IMG_3501I still don’t understand the Pickleback thing

IMG_3500Took her 4 years to finally understand that when I tell her something alcohol related just accept it and don’t ask questions.

IMG_3499If it was only in my size…

Have a good weekend

 

Man Time Flies

One of the only redeeming qualities of Facebook these days is the “On this date” part where you can see what you posted on this day for up to 10 years. On the 5th year of this past week we were across the pond for our good Friend’s wedding. Yep Papua New Guinea Mike and Claire were married 5 years ago this past week. Naturally we wished him congratulations and a text thread started with a couple of the boys. I didn’t want to remind anyone but in the past 5 years the following have occurred;

  • RJ & Mallory sell the Flophouse to Jenna
  • We sell 595 to RJ & Mallory
  • We then move to New York to drink with the Asian Fireman & Mr. 3 First Names and be an hour from Pepe.
  • RJ & Mallory go to +2
  • The Asian Fireman and the Real Estate Tycoon can’t be outdone and go to +3
  • Pepe and D3 go to +1
  • PNG Mike – MAKE SURE THAT CLAIRE DOESN’T DRINK THE WATER!!!!! Mrs. Trumpet has been drinking bottled water for the past 5 years.

734287_10151619122299928_599437964_nKegs and Eggs with the Lads. See all those Dark Liquid Glasses that are in front of everyone. That is English Coffee.

IMG_2766Right after that the Bar decided it was “Last Orders” because the Americans were swinging an invisible jump rope.

482274_10151634510739928_890101125_nIf you see this man and he says “Lets do a shot” you run like hell!

554896_10151634511129928_1783965562_nOh Look PNG Mike “Iced” down some beer for us.

526799_10151634511054928_1136011644_nMike and Clarie’s English Garden – We will put in an outdoor bar at the fenceline!

555064_10151634511259928_589787889_nI am only posting this so that the Asian Fireman and his wife can save it and we can torment Wee Fiona when she gets older and starts to date.

10554965_10152729330539928_1140361562_nBack when all 3 of these boys weren’t procreating.

I think that we need a return trip to Big Smoke soon. Anyone up for a field trip?

 

 

Dude, where have you been? Pics on a Humpday!

It is either Feast or Famine. I am ‘En Fuego” or I ‘Suck Cock’ according to A4532 (I am kind of excited I have hate/fan mail from the same person) Shout out to you A4532! Anyway here are some mid week pictures for you. And naturally thanks for reading this worthless dribble.

IMG_1763So we sell a 3 pack of 2X5’s here up here. Why didn’t I realize this sooner?

IMG_1767Yo Chef! How about some love when we try to get a table at your joint on W51st street? *Mrs. Trumpet was very happy about this picture in that this was the first time she saw Eric Ripert in the UES*

IMG_1725A ‘Southern Grocery? Tell me more son.

IMG_1724It may not work up here. I get beat up all the time when I say these phrases. Good Luck buddy!

IMG_1730See the red border pic? We now have 2 portraits behind the bars of fine establishments now.

IMG_1742Is that Mother Fucker wearing Tennis Shoes on his morning commute? F you dude!

IMG_1780This was the 3rd train that I stood online waiting to ‘try’ to get onboard. And this was a Tuesday. #CBTwaslatetowork #Andfuckingpissed #Twitterwasablaze

IMG_1789Shout out to LZ for making me ‘drink on the street’ this past Friday. If you look up in the middle of this pic you can see a half ball to the right of the building. That is the New Years Eve Ball for 2018. And Just think we only have 3 more years till Trump is gone!

Oh and “A4532: do me a favor….Go Fuck Yourself! Don’t make me Michael Rapaport ‘Shame” you…..You Dumb Motherfucker!

Happy Wednesday!

 

 

The Trumpets return to Memphis for a Wedding

Remember in the wedding scene from the Godfather where Luca Brasi is rehearsing his speech for Don Vito Corleone? Yeah that never happened this past weekend but since this wedding was the daughter of my good friend Guido, I had to throw it out there. The groom isn’t even Eye-Talian but that is ok. I am relieved to know that Dr. KD-B will never have to worry about changing a light bulb in the overhead light for the rest of her life. <inside joke>

The wedding was downtown in the South Mail district and for me to try to recap the wedding vows, the first kiss as Mr. & Mrs. B, or the father – daughter dance…..I just can’t do it justice. We have known the bride and her parents for many years. Heck Dr. KD-B was one of our first dog babysitters when she was high school. To see her graduate from High School, University, achieve her Doctorate, and now get married to a great guy is very satisfying to Mrs. Trumpet and I. We wish the bride and the groom much happiness and hey Dr. KD-B; remember Uncle Robo’s response when people ask “when are you going to have kids?”

img_0414The Father of the Bride

img_0417Guido and his sister T

img_0411Damnit, even in Memphis I can’t get away from those M’effin Bagpipes!

img_0413The Emerald Society of Memphis and The guy who lives 100 miles from me but we only see each other 1000 miles of our respective homes.

img_0416“If you know the past you can predict the future” – Where’s Pepe?

img_0418A Memphis Balanced Meal, Ribs, BBQ Nachos, Beans and a Salad (I have to be healthy you know…..)

img_0419Rule 1 for the Groom – If Momma Ain’t Happy then ain’t Nobody happy.

Rule 2 for the Groom – She may be shorter than you but she shoots better than you

Rule 3 for the Groom – Laugh each day and always kiss each other goodbye & good night.

img_0420One of the best Father Daughter Dances that I have every witnessed. Kuddos to Guido

17021903_10211601482729642_6133357989102027931_nSouth Main Residents – Past and Present

img_0426We wish you much happiness Dr. KD-B!

17022515_10208381408794694_283883146838028227_nThe Father of the Bride made this Steam Punk Contraption. And after hearing his advice it made perfectly sense.

img_0390Hey BD – You remember Rule 1? When Dr. KD-B starts asking at Labor Day for the Christmas Tree to be set up feel free to pop this song into your iPod. The Bride loves this song! #TrustRobo

Congratulations to K&B. We love you both and we wish you many years of happiness.

Pictures of the Week – It has been a wild one!

I know that I have been slacking lately but give me a break. Here are some snippets of the past week and weekend. We had the lady killer in town last weekend. Oh and he has a twitter account….but I won’t post it just yet. He better get me that Vince Carter Jersey that I want for Christmas. #justsaying

img_2553J-Bob – Why do I have to stand here?
Me – Shut Up Kid, Cousin AL may go to school here.
J-Bob – But I want to go visit NikeTown…..

fullsizerenderGo Visit the USS Intrepid on the West Side of Manhattan. And you get to see the Enterprise too!

img_2550Yo K-Man!!! (Seinfeld comment)

Side Note – It was mid 50’s that morning…..

img_2552Guess we must be getting near the Marathon. The mailbox locks are in place.

img_2558Early Morning Prior to the Marathon – First Ave

img_2555These dudes were flying by!

img_2568Made it to Hunts Point this week! Hunts Point < South Memphis

img_2565I had to laugh and cry at the same time. This was by 87th and Park near one of the high rises.just wjem

img_2573Just when New York State went Blue on Election night I get this text message from my father.

img_2584Smoked Pastrami and Sausage – I kind of like Long Island City! S/O to Meg C

fullsizerenderI can predict that it will be congested for the next 4 years around 5th & 56th

Have a good weekend. I promise to do better!

 

CBT’s Top 10 list for Memphians doing WCBCC this weekend

I do this every year for my fellow Memphians. This year because I am a resident of the Empire State I am happy to report that I can finally give my 9 readers the Unabashed top ten survival and suggestion guide for WCBCC. Before I get moving along I can already see the blank space on 4 faces of my New York readers so let me explain what The World Championship Barbeque Cooking Contest or WCBCC is about…. Think of these New York events; St Patrick’s Day Parade, San Gennaro Festival, Puerto Rican Day Parade, Halloween in the West Village, Mermaid Parade at Coney Island, Santacon in Manhattan, New Year’s Eve, The West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn and my favorite, the 7 Train at midnight on Saturday night on Payday. Now you roll all of those drunk ‘shit shows’ and you have Thursday night at WCBCC but with 85 degree heat And ‘swamp ass’ humidity. You get the picture? And people wonder why I didn’t go down this year…..
Anyway without further adieu, here are Carbunkle Trumpet’s suggestions and survival guide to WCBCC. Please note, if I find out that you break rules 6, 4, and number 2 consider yourself banned and unfriended from me. Here folks is the list;

10. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I say it each and every year, you see my lips moving but you never listen to Uncle Carbunkle Trumpet.

9G. Fashion for the Ladies – If you have to say “Does this XXX make…” the answer is YES and go put on more clothes. Same applies for high heel shoes in the park. Don’t get me wrong, I love a woman wearing high heels. I see it every day but the banks of the Mississippi is not the place to wear a yard of cloth and hooker heels. And don’t wear flip flops, closed toe shoes ladies.

9B. Fashion for the Boys – Boys, if you stand naked in the shower and cannot see your feet (I get it is cold in the bathroom) you should not be wearing a tank top that reads “Suns Out, Guns Out!”! Trust me, nobody wants to see that shit.

8. Get a Tetanus shot prior to heading down to Tom Lee Park – Believe it or not, you can get a nasty infection from an ice luge that isn’t properly disinfected.

7. While we are on the subject of booze, I would advise against drinking anything out of a mason jar. Everyone has cousin who lives in Kentucky and makes their own mash.

6. You will have ugly babies with 11 fingers if you have sex in a port-a-potie. Why? Is the smell of Jello shots, hickory smoke and blue water an aphrodisiac? You will get caught and I hope someone puts that shit on Instagram too! *DISLAIMER – I have heard of one couple getting caught each year since I was on staff with MIM. Whisky Tango Foxtrot people!

5. Speaking of bad behavior, I get it that you used to go down to BBQ fest when you were in college (hello, the majority of my readers are in their 40’s) but a lot of you are parents and have children who want to go down there. Don’t let them. I say this as I can already see you in the carpool line getting called out at (INSERT PRIVATE SCHOOL NAME HERE) carpool line by someone saying “Hi Mrs. X, I heard you let someone drink beer out of your cleavage last night.” *DISCLAIMER #2 – I know of 2 moms who will never look me in the eye still to this day.

4. Eat a friggin salad at lunch and drink 1 gallon of water each morning. There is not sufficient medical service in Tom Lee Park.

3. Speaking of service and I know this from firsthand knowledge. I don’t’ care how much you beg, the people driving the golf carts are not allowed to take on riders. If you have an elderly patron or someone with a broken leg you could have loaded them in the park on Wednesday so why should MIM have to worry about it?

2. If you get a DUI with the amount of Uber’s, Taxi’s, Lyft and places to crash downtown then you should never be allowed to drive again. Seriously (I am not kidding) you are a fucktard and should not be allowed to breathe my air. I have ZERO patience with this during big festivals in Memphis because people are not in their right mind anyway.

1. Ok, I am off my soapbox. For those of you who Social Media panhandle invites to BBQ teams booths let me let you in the park secret. Tell the doorman at the team you want to come in and freeload that “I saw Robo last night and he told I am invited.” #Robocares

Never knew where that woman ended up after that night. Pay no attention to Teddy Graham waiting till she sniffed the roofie. #cometoNYCAllisonandwhipmyass 
It is about the pork afterall ! 
Enjoy WCBBC

Start Spreading The News!

Well, I am back! I  survived the intensive training for Tourist Bus Tour ticket sellers and I am ready to go. *editor’s note – No that is not my true profession, I do have gainful employment but I choose to keep some shit private. If it bothers you that much then “Bless your heart!”* The training was good and I met some of my fellow tour bus ticket sellers and we compared notes. The training was in my old home town so it was kind of strange being back in town but because this was a ‘work’ trip and I couldn’t act a damn fool like some of my cohorts did. I was able to get out a tad on the weekend and it was good seeing some old friends. I am still disappointed that my favorite bat wielding bartender wouldn’t put the Rangers game on for me when the Tigers and the Grizzlies were playing on Saturday night, but I digress.
While we were nearing the end of the training one of my classmates asked me if I was ready to get back to the island called Manhattan. I looked at him and with a struggled look on my face I said that sadly I was, and I kind of felt bad about it. He said that he understood what I was referring to as he is originally from Vietnam but calls Southern California home. My cohort went back to the motherland at Christmas and said that he also enjoyed his visit but he was ready to be back on the Left Coast. Below are some of the things that I was missing from the city so famous they named it twice.

  • The fast and hurried pace on the streets, talk about some slow walkers in M-Town – Got Dayem!
  • The foul smells from the subway – did he really just say that? Who is this fecker and what did he do to our friend Carbunkle.
  • The constant beeping of car horns while driving down the road. I do apologize to that carload of nuns who I cut off and told that they were Number 1 on Central.
  • The Traffic – I got caught up in 240/Poplar at rush hour traffic the other day, it reminded me of home.
  • The different accents and dialects that you hear from people speaking on the streets. Sorry but Ebonics doesn’t count.
  • My beer drinking buddy, Mrs. Trumpet. She informed me that she felt like a single mom taking care of the monkey heads for 2 weeks.
  • My 535 Square foot apartment. I think the bathroom at my hotel was bigger than my kitchen, bathroom and closet.
  • Not having a car – It was rather strange having a car again and I noticed that I fell into that old habit of “Oh I can just whip over there to get this/that.”

 IMG_0277Had to walk 8 blocks in the friggin snow for that woman. And did I even get to see her? Hell NO! Don’ worry Rhonda, I will make sure that I get you some fresh ones. I still can’t believe that your ‘partner’ wouldn’t save you one.

IMG_0305That is a damned good bagel

IMG_0291Always a pleasure to see my Bethlehem Buddy and the woman who introduced me to kcoffee cups

IMG_0287What you didn’t expect me not to get some of this crack? I heard that Andrew Zimmern did a show on Pancho’s cheese dip.

So don’t worry folks, I will be back to normal scheduling soon and I am glad to be back home.

The Week in Pictures

EWR>MEM & MEM>EWR

Have a good one!