Bless Your Heart

Conversations of the Rich and Famous in Coffeehouses

When I am not day drinking, smoking cigars or eating food that is bad for me, I have to hold down a full time job. Sadly Mrs. Trumpet hasn’t hit the bigtime and let me be a kept man so each day I put on my suit and head out to work. I sell those bus tickets to the tourists in Times Square *not my real job* and have to keep up with emails and ish like that on my laptop. We have an office in the Garment District but I would rather masturbate with a cheese grater than go there. No I am not being one of those surly people, it is out of my way and I never get anything accomplished when I go there.

Rather than stay in the apartment I like to get out and normally hole up at a satellite office on W45th street. Yes it is still out of my area but I can get work done and steal office supplies and get free coffee. *again not true because they have crappy coffee and shitty pens*  When my schedule requires me to stay well north of E60th Street I normally head to my favorite coffee shop on Lexington and E70th street. I get my double bull espresso and fancy NYC sparking bottled water and bang out work on the laptop at the outside tables.

The people in the UES are interesting folks. Some make more money than God and spend more in HOA fees and mortgages in a month than some people make in a year. What keeps me grounded by living up here is eavesdropping on some of their conversations.  Below are some of the better examples;

Bubbe 1- “Aren’t you worried about this latest outbreak of Legionnaires disease that they found in the water chiller in the UES?”
Bubbe 2 – “I thought that it was in Flint Michigan, we hardly use the water from our apartment for drinking or cooking.”
B 1 – “No the outbreak of Legionnaires is the disease that resembles the flu and can kill you. Not related to the water from the tap.”
B 2 – “You will have to excuse me, I am all verklempt about this Trump thing. My maid is worried she is going to be deported.” *stop laughing this was a true conversation*

Guy 1 – “I swear I am going to murder my wife, you will not believe what she did yesterday.”
Guy 2 – “What did your sweet wife of 40 years do? She didn’t find out that you got that cigar locker at Club Macanudo did she?”
G 1 – “No that is from my discretionary fund, she purchased another pair of those expensive ass shoes that won’t fit because of her orthotics so she will wear them once they will damn near cripple her and will throw them out. I told her not to do that.”
G 2 – “Could be worse, she could have found out that you have 4 cigar lockers all over the city.”

Wife – “What time are we leaving for the summer cottage?”
Husband – “I told you that the car is picking us up this afternoon at 3 so we can be at the Wall Street Heliport by 3:30.”
Wife – “Can we go a little later, I have a hair appointment and this will rush me.”
Husband – “If we don’t leave then we will get stuck in air traffic for all those people heading to the Hamptons.” *Not sure where they have their house but I am figuring it is somewhere in Connecticut*
Wife – “I guess I can hurry, I hate it when you get like this.”

So have a good weekend because my poor ass is going to probably text my work wife and see if we can come crash her beach party on Long Island and drink some cold beer.

Meet Me by the Saturday Night Live Clock in Grand Central

A while back I was going to do a joint day with one of my fellow tour bus ticket sellers. His territority is south of mine near Grand Central Station. He told me to meet him in Grand Central Station which if you have never been before it is effin huge. I get to the station a couple minutes early and he was running late. I tell him to meet me at the SNL clock in the main terminal. Below the SNL clock is an information station for tourists. While I was standing there I overheard about a dozen question exchanges by tourists. Now for someone who has lived here for some 685ish days some of these questions were hard to give directions. Here are some examples of the questions;

  • Q – “How do I get to Scarsdale?” A – “Track 16 and the train leaves in 5 minutes”
  • Q – “Can I buy my ticket on the train?” A – “Yes but you can get a cheaper ticket over at the kiosks.”
  • Q – “How do we get to JFK and the AirTrain?” A – “You would need to take the E Subway line to JFK and transfer there?”
  • Q – “How do we get to the Statue of Liberty?” A – “You would need to take the Subway to the Staten Island Ferry?”
  • Q – “Where does President Trump Live?” A – “The White House, you need to go to Union Station to ride Amtrak.”
  • Q – “Where can I get one of those cheap knock-off Fendi Purses?” A – “Canal Street or any corner in Midtown.”
  • Q – “Those guys with the large guns hanging around the front entrance, what are they here for?” A – “Bad Guys”
  • Q – “Do you know if those hotdog vendors are serving food that is safe?” A – “If you eat one everyday for a year it may kill you but you will be ok.”
  • Q – “Do you know how to get to Chik-Fil-A on 6th Avenue?” A – “Yeah but why?”

Have a good day!

 

A Warning to all Those Fathers of Daughters – The Coney Island Mermaid Parade

Happy Day after Fathers day to my 4 daddies readers out there. I hope that your day was spent enjoying cigars, a nice steak dinner and maybe even a little golf if you were lucky. I spent Sunday enjoying some MPH in the morning and finally got out and went down Home Depot for some recycling bags and I did manage to fit a cigar into my busy day.

So this past weekend the Coney Island Mermaid Parade was held on Stillwell Avenue on Coney Island. I recall last year that we missed it and I was pissed. It looked like all the makings of a great event with the premise you get to day drink and not feel guilty about it. This year Mrs. Trumpet’s school schedule wouldn’t allow her to attend so I asked my friend LZ if she would go with me since FZ was away for work. LZ was fired up and even made a crown for the event, I opted not to wear any heavy headgear since the weather was supposed to be rainy.

Now here is my warning to all you dad’s out there who have daughters. Should your daughter inform you that she is going to be in the Mermaid Parade you should require your sweet angelic baby that she is required to wear a minimum of a yard of cloth to cover herself above the waist. As LZ and I were riding the Q train out to Coney Island we shared a subway car with a couple Mermaids. One was in a bikini top and a pair of shorts that looked like her va-jay-jay was trying to eat them. Oh and she was wearing Spartacus shoes too. This child naturally was busy putting on her Purple wig and put her Spartacus shoes on which was quite comical I might add. Then there were the body paint people.

Now it was raining fairly hard on our subway ride out to Coney Island. LZ brought up a great point; here you are wearing body paint and it is raining. When the rain and that water based paint mix the paint will come off. You are not carrying much on your person because well, you are after all naked except for purple water color paint. “How you getting home? Did you think that far in advance?”  Thankfully for this daddy’s baby girl the rain stopped just before the parade. Granted we are not sure if she didn’t wake up on Sunday doing the walk of shame from Sheepshead Bay but hey a girl has to have priorities. So again for you daddies out there. Your little girl should wear clothes or at least have a body paint rain contingency plan.

IMG_1075Had to wait out the rain so we went to my favorite Bud Light Can Russian run bar.

IMG_1076Mardi Gras style floats in Brooklyn. Who would have known.

IMG_1074LZ sporting her crown and platform shoes.

IMG_1081The kid is pissed that his parents dressed him in that garb. But let’s be serious, we all know that his parents have a case of beer and or wine in the bottom of that buggy.

IMG_1087Who doesn’t love a dog in a Tu-Tu?

IMG_1090Hula Hoop Girl was getting it!

IMG_1092I must say the Brooklyn Drumlines are much different than those in Memphis.

IMG_1111We sought higher ground for the rest of the parade. Two people under 5’8″ have trouble seeing over people in a crowd.

IMG_1115Ahem Mr. 3 First Names and Asian Fireman – I think we are missing a golden opportunity here.

IMG_1123Look closely and you see a Tractor pulling the float. I don’t see a lot of Tractors here in New York.

IMG_1147D*ck in a treasure chest?

IMG_1149Seahorses

IMG_1148Lots of Nautical and Seafood Themes here.

IMG_1143Ariel from the Block!

IMG_1151Not sure what it is but at least they were properly clothed.

IMG_1130Looks like the Bo Weevils Have some competition.

And no I am not going to put any of “those” pictures on the blog. I may day drink and poke fun at a lot of things but I do have some scruples. Have a good week and again Happy Fathers Day to all you Daddies out there.

 

 

 

Tell me if you think this is odd or it is just me

A couple weeks back we went up to the Bronx for the Yankees game and then for a birthday party celebration for Gumatta Jenny. While we were waiting for dinner in Morris Park we found an Albanian bar that we grabbed a drink. As we were walking back to the car we came across a flower shop. In the windows it seemed a ‘little off’ in that the front window display were plastic flowers. Let me type that out again for you. THEY HAD FUCKING PLASTIC FLOWERS in the window. Am I missing something here?

IMG_0959Yep, something is defiantly wrong here.

IMG_0960They were more fake than the “Damn Neighbor’s” cans

I am guessing that this store is a ‘front’ for something. What do you think?

 

Random Pictures on the iFoam – Memphis Edition

Some of these are pretty good. Then again some of these are pretty bad depending on how you look at them.

IMG_0908Someone (not me) was enjoying their “Soul Burger” on the walk from home into South Bluffs

IMG_0926Had to snap a picture of my first downtown condo. Why the hell We didn’t keep that sucker is a mystery to me.

IMG_0941Me and A-Cups on the porch Sunday. We don’t have porches here in New York, we have stoops.

IMG_0934I took some major shit from the NYC boys for my “Preakness” Attire. I had to wear a jacket to Weed’s party and it was kind of warm so I broke out the shorts too. That was my first beer too!

IMG_0909Hadn’t seen this knucklehead in years. She is all grown up! We will have to add her and her sister to the CARL LIPBALM MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP list.

IMG_0940Lisa Marie and her little sister Willimena Esmerelda (she was born on Willie Nelson’s birthday) also do you not see her giving me an a Elvis pose? 

Don’t worry, that is all for the pictures from Memphis so relax.

Carbunkle Trumpet Eats Crow again

I am somewhat of a smart ass…I know that some of you can’t believe that one bit but it is true. Way back when IKEA announced they were coming to Memphis people lost their damned minds on Social Media. This announcement was before we even knew that we were going to move to New York and have our entire apartment outfitted with IKEA stuff. I made some snarky comment about the particle board furniture and how Memphians were losing their shit. My good friend TO the OJ Simpson Bronco driver took notice of my tweet.

When we moved to New York almost 2 years ago we naturally made our first trip to Red Hook’s IKEA and I was impressed. Yes we outfitted our entire apartment since we sold all of our shit before we made the 1600 mile drive. I think that I made a comment on Twitter and my friend TO was quick to remind me about the tweet and she called me out on it. I deserved it and it was funny too. Because of the location of the IKEA in Brooklyn it is somewhat hard to get there. You can take the ferry to and from but trust me when I say that schlepping your crap back in a blue bag sucks.

This past weekend Mrs. Trumpet was in the throws of schoolwork, studying and I needed to get the hell out of the house. I had a small list of stuff that I needed to get from IKEA. I figured that heading to Red Hook was a good way to get out of the house and get it done. Now the Ferry doesn’t start running from Pier 11 until 11:30 and I wanted to try to get some Cigar time with the boys so I took my chances and headed to Brooklyn on the F Train. The F Train made news last week when one of the subway trains went tits up and lost power, and air-conditioning. One of the Rhodes girls from many moons ago was stuck on that train and I could only imagine how bad that sucked. Thankfully the F Train made it to Smith Avenue and I grabbed a 5 dollar Uber drive to IKEA.

All in all it was only 45 minutes door to door and I was in and out of IKEA under an hour and was able to catch the 11:45 ferry to Wall Street. So there you go TO, feel free to bust me out again as I eat some crow. Be kind would you?

IMG_1040Waiting on the F Train. That joker has yet to be on time.

IMG_1041She would get major style points if those suckers were pink.

IMG_1043On the Ferry heading back to Manhattan

IMG_1044Governors Island

IMG_1045Doesn’t get old looking at Lower Manhattan from the water at all.

IMG_1046Looking at the buildings on Water Street and Old Slip

IMG_1047Got some more $2.99 frames to hang the Playbills and ‘cool NYC stuff’ that we have done.

IMG_1048So far we have been to 15 cool NYC things and or plays/musicals. Not bad considering we haven’t gone to Colbert or Fallon (yet)

IMG_1049More Spice Racks and spice holders. Unfortunately we have to move them since the drawers can’t come out fully now. #Robofail

IMG_1050New Up lighting for the bedroom. Why don’t New Yorkers like lighting?

Hope you had a good weekend and stayed cool. It was a hot one in the city on Sunday.

 

 

 

Happy Anniversary of Circling the Sun 50 times Weed

Editor’s note – I am fairly disciplined about divulging people’s names on this worthless dribble of a blog. If they didn’t have a nickname already I normally gave them one that doesn’t really incriminate them. That being said, the person named “Weed” is a real nickname but I promise that her name has nothing to do with Colorado’s State Flower/Plant and it would take too long to explain how she got it. 

So 2 weeks ago I headed to Memphis for some work, some play and to celebrate Weed’s surprise 50th birthday. I have to give D credit, she orchestrated this thing like a mad scientist. When the guest list got above 30 even I was wondering if the surprise could be kept quiet but she pulled it off.

Friday night we all arranged to meet up the Flying Saucer and as the Mo-Ho’s trickled in it was waterworks on each and every arrival. Many 40’s were drunk that night on 3rd Avenue and I ‘think’ I rolled into bed around 3ish. Saturday we all headed up to Midtown for brunch, beers and the surprise. Bless OTB (Old Tired & Bitter) and Ziggy for hosting, it went off without a hitch. Afterwards things went ugly as we headed to Beale for the stalking of Barbara Blue and Gnome attacking.

Happy Birthday Weed, we have known you the longest and we love ya. Even if you were “a couple grades behind us.”

IMG_0884That poor boy spent a little too long down at the BBQ Fest. (not anyone we know)

IMG_0886The birthday girl and D aka the Mad Scientist of Planning (venue not disclosed)

IMG_0903This is when you could say that “it went off the rails”

IMG_0895Play that Funky Music White Girl aka Baby Fine Hair!

IMG_0905My Missouri Legal Counsel

IMG_0907We miss ya Raiford!

IMG_0911Snot did come out of my nose when I saw some of these pics. Oh and A-Cups, yes I am going to forever be haunted by the image of grandma’s hoo-hoo.

IMG_0914The Unofficial Queen of Beale Street – Ms. Barbara Blue

IMG_0916A view over Nate’s shoulder

IMG_0919Here is where it went off the rails on Saturday night!

IMG_0922If never hear Lucinda William’s “Drunken Angel” ever again I am probably good with that!

IMG_0928Sunset over Monroe Avenue as I was heading into Bardog.

 

Happy Birthday Weed! It was great to see everyone and play with the MoHo’s too!

 

The “Don’t be that Guy/Gal” Guide to The World Championship Barbeque Cooking Contest

I post this every year. Yet someone ‘drinks his lunch’ at BBQ fest and they ‘pull a smoothie’ and isn’t heard from for almost a full day. The list from last year is right Here and if you plan on heading down there please read them. Now for this year I am going to change it up a tad. You see, I celebrate the fact that I am not on a team. It isn’t that I don’t like comradery and some good ball busting (I do that at the Cigar Inn enough) but I don’t like the idea of burning a week of vacation to work my ass off. Then there is always a chance I could lose a friendship over something silly and worrying if the team is going to remain in the black isn’t for me.

The dichotomy of a BBQ Team is a very fragile one. You have some people who want nothing to do with the cooking contest except for drinking for a solid week. You have some who are serious in the competition. Those are the ones who are traveling across the region each weekend and normally are not there so much for the party but for the competition. Normally in a given week there will be a blow up in the tent. I saw them numerous times when I worked for MIM some 7 years ago. My parents were original member of “Boss Pit” one of the first double decker rigs down there and a drunken argument lead to them leaving the team. Sadly I have seen teams disband because of the things that go on down on the banks of the river.

Oh don’t worry, the only thing that disbands are the members. The team name probably will go on but members move from team to team. My parents left BBQ Fest and moved it over to Italian Fest at Holy Rosary and it was a smaller contest. That being said, here is the list for those who are visiting BBQ Fest so that you don’t become “That Guy/Girl”;

  1. Don’t be a dick and try to BS your way into a booth if you are not invited. There are 250 teams, if you want to learn or see the interior of a booth I suggest visiting during the day either Thursday or Friday when it isn’t busy. When the sun goes down is not the time to get BBQ 101.
  2. If you see a tip jar for the team throw a couple bucks in the damn thing. Those Bud lights didn’t grow in Tom Lee Park and someone picked them fresh that morning. This also applies to the bartender who may get a split of the jar and heckles people to give money. When Shobo went one year, she carried her own wine in the park and got heckled for getting a cup of ice because she put a 5 in the tip jar.
  3. Don’t be an ass. It happens every year. The Germantown housewife who puts on her push up bra to bring the cans together gets silly on moonshine. She flirts with someone in the booth and they think that the “Awkward Touch” sign has been turned on in a booth. Next thing happens someone gets hauled out of the booth by an off duty cop and people are pissed.
  4. Friends of Friends don’t invite their own friends – This one just slays me to no end. There are 250 cocktail parties going on at the same time in Tom Lee Park. While you are walking to the tent that you are invited to you hear someone yell your name. This is a friend of yours who you haven’t seen in years but “We keep up on Facebook” and they are in a booth that you don’t know. Don’t be that “guy/gal” and ask them if they can get you in the invited party. It makes it weird for everyone.
  5. If you do happen to over indulge in refreshing drink – Don’t drive, wait it out for the 3 hours to get an Uber or cab. Then again I hear that T.O.D.D. is in town and he has a suite at the South’s Grand Hotel.

 

10384819_10152441353909170_1252489496298450880_nGoes without saying

Have fun and of course remember the password “Joe said he needs me to go get charcoal”

Apple be Racist – Fun times on the Q Train to Times Square

I must have had the Jackass magnet on when I left the apartment Monday morning. I knew it was going to be a ‘special’ day when I walked out of the building and one of the little fuckers sweet children in the building rolled over my foot on his Razor. I did feel better when accidently ‘hip checked’ him into the planter. That aught to teach him a lesson.

But I digress. I made my way to the Q platform at E72nd street and got to the middle of the platform. For some reason the Q was packed yesterday morning. I shoehorned my ass on the train and found a spot next to one of the center poles. As the doors were shutting, I heard the sound that all New Yorkers groan. “Excuse me everybody, I apologize but I…..” as an older African American male went into his story of how he hit on hard times. Normally the speech and the time to walk through the subway car to get any change given by passengers is about the same time it takes to get to the next stop.

Unfortunately for us, we had a delay heading to the E63rd & Lexington station. So skillet was still in our subway car and then it happened. I was minding my own business listening to some Ludacris and I hear the gentlemen go into a rant yelling at the top of his lungs. “You Mudda Effers are all a bunch of Racists. You stand there judging me with your white earbuds in your hears. You all are a racists and Jesus won’t help you on judgement day.”

I really don’t know how to come back with that zinger other than “Bless your heart”

IMG_0794Here I am in my “Racist” earbuds but I am rocking my black suit and black tie ala Reservoir Dogs

Go forth and have a good day folks.

 

Spring has sprung in NYC

Happy Easter Spud! No I am not going to divulge the meaning or circumstances of that statement on this blog. No doubt that Mr. Flowered Man Bag is cleaning off of his laptop because he spewed coffee all over it. Another time folks.  We have officially kicked Old Man Winter to the curb here in Manhattan. Goodbye Puffy Coat, hello Blue and White Seersucker suit and white bucks.

For those of you Memphians who have already reapplied Gold Bond a dozen times and or had the boys from Conway Services work on your air conditioner allow me to bring you up to speed. Here in New York we don’t really say that it is spring until it is after Easter and they take down the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Plaza. This past Sunday was Easter if you didn’t see the dozen “He has Risen” (I thought everybody was making soufflés for Easter Dinner) posts on Facebook and today they melt the ice in the plaza to make way for alfresco dining.

What does that mean to this former Memphian who is considering becoming a fan of the Brooklyn Nets because they already have low expectations you ask? This means that we dodged another Winter Death Bullet that the Northeast typically gets. I recall 3 years back when I was drinking Ice Cold Bud Light Iced Tea at BBQ Fest with the Asian Fireman and he was telling me about the 25+ days of below freezing weather they had that winter. I mean, I bitch when it is 40 and the wind is blowing. Can you imagine me when it is below freezing for more than 3 days? One of the docs that I smoke cigars sums it up perfectly with when he told us why he takes so many vacations in the winter. “I have everything I need up here; I have a Penthouse apartment in the city, I have a summer house on the shore but the weather up here is lousy. That is why I shag ass below the 16th latitude.” By the way, we made Doc pay for our cigars that day……what an asshole.

So to my fellow Memphians, enjoy spring and the spring festivals. To my Belizean buddies, enjoy some quiet time after the Easter parties and get read for Lobster fest. And to you Nova and KLC Man, enjoy that frozen snow till July 4th when you have 2 weeks of your summer!

IMG_0691Couples Skate is over kids!

IMG_0685No I didn’t steal this from LZ, I went to mass on Easter Sunday with EGP. If you don’t believe me ask her.

IMG_0653Good Friday I stepped up my Game with a bowtie. I think I may shake some shit up here this summer. First I need a Brooks Brothers Boating Straw hat.

IMG_0692Maya was very happy when I told her that there wouldn’t be anymore winter and she would have to scrape ass over the snow.

FullSizeRenderBB (Baltimore Bjorksu) told me that she was disappointed that her new city didn’t embrace pastels on Easter. I told her that next year she should bring her butt up here. New York makes a spectacle out of everything. Behold the Easter Bonnet Parade up 5th Ave. *photo borrowed from ahealthysliceofpai*

I may be ok with Gold Bond Usage till mid May folks. In other words, don’t buy long on the Gold Bond Stock.