CBT issues a F-Bomb

Carbunkle Trumpet’s Friendly Suggestions for Tourists Visiting Gotham This Winter

Please note that I am trying to clean up my act because there is enough ugliness on Twitter right now. I mean would you have really clicked on this worthless dribble if the title were “You will probably get called an Asshole by a New Yorker if you do this.”  Do you recall way back to the first Holiday Season when I posted about some ladies who stopped short in Times Square? Sadly I have turned into more of a bitter New Yorker and Marathon Sunday was the tipping point. 

Marathon Sunday we were to venture up to Woodlawn in the Bronx for Wee Fi’s “Wizard of Oz” Seventh birthday. In order for us to get Metro North we have to get to Grand Central so we have to jump on a 4 Train at Nevins Station. Normally that isn’t a big deal but on this Sunday the 4 Train was packed tighter than a pair of pants at an all you can eat buffet. The train is full of Marathon Spectators who are in deep need of reading this list. Rather than have a full on Fucking-Come-Apart on a jackass who thinks that wearing a packed backpack doesn’t bother anyone else…..so I chose to come up with this list. 

Below is the short list of suggestions that I would like to extend to anyone who is thinking of visiting New York. AKA – Don’t be this Asshole or you may get yelled at.

  1. Walking on our City Streets, Subway Stairways,  and Common Area Walkways  – please remember these Two Fucking Rules; NEVER EVER stop in the middle of the above mentioned while in New York. I assure you will get run the hell over by a New Yorker who is walking at top speed. Second, and this goes without saying; LEAVE YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN YOUR POCKET! You don’t text and drive in your hometown, why do you you think you can text and walk up here? Too many people get yelled at on the streets for updating their Facebook updates. Step to the side if you have to text your cousin that you just saw someone famous. 
  2. While in cramped spaces (Subway, Elevator, walking into the Garden) take that backpack off of your back and just hold it in your hand. I promise that it may seem foreign reading this in Memphis or other parts of the US but it is a major No-No here in New York. Especially on the Subway! You will get yelled at. 
  3. While walking on our streets do us other people don’t walk side to side if you are a family of four. Want to really piss off some folks on the streets? Walk hand and hand. Oh and if you have strollers, you can only do that in Park Slope not in Manhattan during holiday season. 
  4. Asking Directions – Again this is going to seem foreign but try to know where you are going before you step out onto our streets. It isn’t so much about addresses it is the cross street and what direction is this sucker on the dividing line aka 5th Avenue. In other words know the lingo; East = East side of 5th Avenue. West = do we really have to do this? Uptown = North of 60th street. SoHo = South of Houston Street. Also Google Maps is your friend when trying to negotiate the subway. Trust me.
  5. Be a Boy Scout – aka – be ready to act. This applies to when swiping your Metro Card at the Subway Turnstile. You don’t want to be digging in your pocket while at the turnstile. Ordering a bagel at a bodega….let me tell you that you will get a Soup Nazi comment from the deli worker or a “Can you hurry the Fuck up” from someone standing on line behind you. 

 

Getting Around The City on Marathon Sunday Can Be Difficult
See The Disdain on the Face of The Woman Exiting The Subway? She is About To Break Bitch on These Picture Taking Tourists. Its a Fucking Coffee shop!
This Makes My Ass Twitch Every time I see it! I Want To Play Red Rover/Red Rover Send Carbunkle Right Over! 

Trust me when I say that It isn’t that New Yorkers are Rude, we are just in a Hurry. Hope that you had a good laugh and please don’t be “That Guy/Gal”!

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Pictures of the Week – Mid Day Friday Post

Apologies to my 15 readers. I now realize that I gave you 5 posts in a row last week and nothing till today. We were kind of busy last week but here are some pictures from last weekend and now.

IMG_4535Our “Tony Award Winning Cousin” lives here now a days. Got to spend some time with her last week. She is a good bean.

IMG_4530Went down to Sutton Square Park on 58th Street. Nice view from the park if you ask me

IMG_4529Sutton Place/Square has their own private entrance. I don’t even want to inquire about the cost of living here. *We lived at 71st/1st and this joint is 58th/Sutton (name change from York)* This is truly bougie UES living

IMG_4527Vivian, Landlord, Mr. 3 First Names, Mary Louise and I may have eaten these last Sunday. The Radish on a BBQ Nacho kind of bugs me

IMG_4524What can I say folks…Being around Robo make one Shine!

Have a good weekend folks. Please don’t get butt-hurt if we don’t post a lot next week either. We are supposed to have a Nor’Easter this weekend.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Northeast.

Living The Rock Star Lifestyle Here

Clubs, 3 Michelin Star Restaurants, Partying till 4AM on a Tuesday Night/Morning what a week I have had this week….wait who am I kidding here? My ass starts wants to head to bed by 10:30PM each night. We had a busy week given it was a snow day on a Wednesday. On Friday night I met up with UWS Holly, Mrs. Trumpet and a school friend for some wine before they went to musical. UWS was heading to New Jersey and I was heading to the UES to do laundry. Yep Friday night and who do I have a date with? Tide Pods, Bounce dryer sheets and a good stiff Tito’s and Soda. I made that laundry my bitch by the way!

Saturday morning we got our Fresh Direct order so I was up early. After giving a shout out to “April the pregnant Crab in Baltimore” on the Book of Face I decided to do a little spring cleaning. Mind you it was a ball shrinking 30 degrees Saturday morning so any outdoor activity would require a lot of clothing and lets be honest – I AM FUCKING OVER THIS COLD WEATHER! I mean it is the friggin 12th of March, could we at least have mid 50’s for a high?

I took the dogs out, fed them, shaved my balls & back, I fixed breakfast for Mrs. Trumpet, then I decided it was time to clean out some closets. One of the great benefits of this 535 square foot apartment is that we have killer closets. It isn’t the walk in beauty that RJ and Mallory now have at 595 in Memphis but we are very lucky. Anyway I decided to tackle the entry hall closet, Shobo’s purse closet and then the attic (you wondering what the hell I am talking about) storage area. Yep it was a busy Saturday.

One would think that if you have already downsized one wouldn’t have to do it again for at least 5 years. Well nope, my goofy ass filled a suitcase that would cost over 200 bucks to fly domestic and I haven’t’ even tackled my own personal closet.

IMG_2808Wine Flights for 12 bucks at happy hour? Now I wonder why Mrs. Trumpet picked this place.

IMG_2812Pay no attention to the “Maintenance Wine” or my fancy La Croix bubbly water?

IMG_2813The Purse/Sweatshirt closet

IMG_2816The Attic/Back Room where we store all of our $hit. Yes those are gallons of water in the top right. We have to use distilled water for our humidifier (THAT WE STILL FUCKING HAVE TO USE IN MID MARCH!)

IMG_2817Since we just got rid of our larger suitcase we are now down to 2 carry on pieces of luggage.

IMG_2818The Office/Guest Luggage Storage/Beach Chair Storage Area/Monkey Head Bedroom

Bored yet? Yep, that was our Friday and Saturday. RELAX Folks, next weekend is the Super bowl of drunken drinking or as the Irish call it – St. Patrick’s Day. I have already spoken to my St. Patrick’s Day date and she is ready to drink with guys who have swords with me. This year is a bonus since this St Patrick’s Day falls on a weekend so Mrs.. Trumpet can join us this year for the whole drunken episode.

Sorry Folks, That is life in our Rock star lifestyle.

 

Pictures of the Week – Happy Fish Friday Folks!

Shout out to my favorite Pseudo Catholic R A B – She does loves Lent more than Brown Water Season.

So last weekend I was down in the count with a sinus infection and I guess because I live in the petri dish of society (aka New York) I am not any better. I was coughing up a storm this evening sitting next to Golden T (see what I did there TG) at dinner and she was concerned. I assured her that it was self induced and I would be back to my cigar smoking self soon. Regardless here are this week’s (it has been a short week) pics of the week. And I apologize if you are stalkers of mine on Instagram because you may see some repeats.

IMG_2739This is the equivalent of Krystal’s up north. And they ship them in a friggin box of 30!

IMG_2740So those two guys in the middle of the picture…yep they are twins and they just celebrated 45 trips around the sun. Oh but one of them is going to Memphis for Memphis in May BBQ Fest. So Staten Island S Squared (see did what I did there again) you want to be my date that weekend? I got “A Guy”!

IMG_2741Sunday we ate well on some Sunday Sauce

IMG_2751Not sure what is more frightening. The Tribble (Star Trek reference) on LJZ’s purse or the carpet at the Downtown Marriott.

IMG_2753So if I may bust some chops now. I had no idea that the A**** F****** was on tour. Photo Credit to Air Traffic Jenna

Have a good weekend folks. It’s been a wild week for us. I am looking forward to having a Sunday Funday one of these days.

 

Fun during a Memphis Snow Storm

“Hey Kid, you are from Memphis right?”
“How in the hell can 3 inches of snow shut down a city?”

Yeah I took some serious heat for the Memphis Snowstorm last week.

IMG_2588All the kids in Memphis can thank Uncle Carbunkle for keeping the tradition alive!

IMG_2585PJ’s inside out, slept with a spoon under my pillow and poured ice in the toilet each night! Worked like a charm!

IMG_2546And the kids still went to school the next day up here in Manhattan!

IMG_2527It was cold last week. I am not a fan of this at all.

 

Theo and some others better be singing my praise. Of course their parents are hating Uncle Robo!

 

14 days can make one two week…..

I know I should keep my day job because of that groan’r. No it isn’t Lent just yet as my yearly Lenten tradition of providing you with corny kid jokes on The Book of Face. For 14 days (hopefully ending today) in a row we have had below freezing temps in Gotham. This past weekend it was BSC (Ball Shrinking Cold) as with the wind chill from the East River temps were below freezing and were -1 to -15 degrees.

Yes I know that Memphis had some cold weather and there are some who have to pay a plumber and even some of my San Pedro folks were bitching but give me a break. When you have to put more layers than an onion to take the dogs out you know it is cold. Hopefully today (Tuesday) the temps get above freezing and we break the streak. We had snow last Thursday and for all of you who think that the snow in New York is so pretty have obviously never been here a couple of days after it snows. The snow turns into New York Snow aka dirty and smelly.

IMG_2532You know it is going to be bad when they send out alerts because of weather.

IMG_2519What the Hell are These Things Used For?

IMG_2524Thanks to UWS Holly for this Gem of information. Get you a cheap pair of snow goggles during a Cyclone Bomb. Blowing Snow into your eyes sucks but wearing these helps.

IMG_2523Oh look how pretty 1st Avenue is. Yeah it sucks!

53677705979__45D17950-2FF6-4AF6-B990-81795E5E223FSnow on our window.

IMG_2537Afterwards the sidewalks are shoveled but normally you lose a couple feet to the piles of snow. This makes for lots of bottlenecks during rush hour. Especially at the corners which aren’t plowed.

IMG_2546It can be a mess if you are parked on the right side of the street. That’s where the plows push the snow. Aka your car will get blocked in! Recall that shovel in the earlier picture?

IMG_2535This dog loved the snow. Our dogs…not so much!

IMG_2538Here is what sucks about plowed streets. I can’t jaywalk as easy unless I want to mountain goat up and over the ice mountain.

IMG_2520Best Part of Thursday during the snow storm!

Hope you had a good one!

 

Come on Lightbulb – Pics of the Week from Isla Mujeres y Manhattan

Merry/Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukah/Chanukah or Happy Holidays to you and to  my readers(all 14 of you!) If I have learned anything by living up here is that you always appreciate understanding someone’s heritage and or traditions. It is no lie that I grab my fair share of cabs but trust me when I say that I love asking the back of the head who is driving my cab; “So Boss Man….Tell me about your country.” If you come to NYC I implore you to please do this. Seriously please do it and you will find all kinds of country/family pride.

So I am going to get to the pics because I have had a helluva week and you guys (all 14 of you) hate my diatribe.

 IMG_2300Had a small fire on E70th a couple weeks ago.

IMG_2302Hey Guys is the Asian Fireman or @AB670 on board….yeah I know the answer.

IMG_2347RJ & Mal-O-Rie – So if we get this joint can you please promise not to procreate in the pool? #askingforafriend

IMG_2357I was warm here. I didn’t have to wear a bunch of cold weather gear.

IMG_2389Hey Staten Island S – Can you get us a bottle of this?

IMG_2394Tastes like Sambuca but its pretty good!

IMG_2411Maya is pissed and let me tell you how upset I was considering I was wearing shorts 2 says ago!

IMG_2412Maddy was not happy either!

IMG_24016 days in Mexico and I was offended that my beard was coming in grey. Pay no attention to the hairs on my head mind you! Hashbrown – at least I have hair!

IMG_2434Don’t blame me Maya….Blame the other one who put you in this outfit!

IMG_2440It screamed that I should come in and have a drink but it was 9AM and I had service issues. I will see you next week Village Tavern!

Seasoned Greetings to all my readers. All 14 of you!

If it is on the Internet then it must be true

I have had a couple of my readers call me out and say I was full of shit regarding the Cross Dressing Jogger from my SWINGING POST earlier this week. First of all, I am not full of shit (stop laughing), I am always sincere (I said stop laughing) when I post things on the worthless dribble of a blog. (I will wait for you to go clean up your screen on your monitor or tablet b/c you blew coffee all over the screen.) Yesterday when Mrs. Trumpet and I were returning from having a drink going to church I asked Bobby the Doorman if the cross dressing jogger had been by yet. He said no but it was very close in the hour for him to jog by in his boudoir attire and running shoes. And you wonder why the doormen in our building love it when I come walking up, you don’t know what you are going to get.

We were speaking with one of the other doormen (Bobby’s English is so-so) and Freddy was telling us the cross dressing jogger’s story. “Elegant” Elliot Offen was a regular on the Howard Stern show till he got banned from the Sirius building in 2006 for punching a hole in the wall. He lives up in the Upper East Side and prefers to jog in attire that is traditionally not associated with road races. He has been known to be somewhat abrasive and has yelled at people while jogging. This sadly has also led to a couple of altercations with people and naturally the media calls it a hate crime. Freddy also told me that he speaks to Elliot from time to time and he is a stand up guy. Granted Freddy and I do admit that that Elliot’s outfit are on the racy for a reason. Hey everybody has got to work out don’t they?

IMG_1350You go Elegant Elliot! You go on with your bad self in your red satin nightie, green gloves, black elbow sleeves and eye black. Its a jungle out there on the streets of the Upper East Side.

Now before anyone starts dialing me up saying that I am casting aspersions on cross dressing or anything like that let me stop you right now. I love that I live in a city that if you want to put on an outfit like Elliot and it doesn’t break any laws or civil codes then by all means have at it. As long as he or anyone for that matter goes about their day and isn’t vulgar or offensive to young children then go get you some. Personally I have to give Elegant Elliot props;

  1. He is jogging in the worst part of the day when there are all kinds of heat advisories going on.
  2. The long hair in this humidity, I would be wearing that shit in a pony tail if I were in his Nikes.
  3. His choice of clothing may be considered strange but I bet he will be singing a different tune if he is wearing the associated crotch-less undergarments with that red teddy. Talk about some swamp ass!

I hope you have a good day and have a good weekend.

You mean Pink Flamingo’s signal what?

I admit it openly, I am pretty naïve when it comes to a lot of stuff. Moving up here we have seen things that you quickly learn goes unfazed to a lot of New Yorkers. Case in point the cross dressing jogger of First Avenue. At first, it raised an eyebrow when Mrs. Trumpet and I were heading to our local drinking establishment. Now we worry if we don’t see her jogging in their slinky black dress and running shoes each day. You think that I am bullshitting you? Google First Avenue Cross Dressing Jogger! But don’t do it on your work computer. We need you still employed on Thursday.

A couple of weeks back some of our friends were vacationing in the Redneck Riviera well before our arrival. They posted a picture of some pink flamingos that they put into the sand to mark their beach chairs. Naturally since we had a large group heading with us, I visited Amazon and purchased a set (alcohol may or may not have been involved) for our trip. I posted the picture on Instagram and sent a pic on the group thread that a couple of us were on. Then it happened;

“All Signs Point to Yes” shot me a text on the group thread that his daughter informed them that a pink flamingo was the tale tail sign of swingers and we should watch out. Naturally I called crap and decided to GTS that to confirm. I mean Google is the official Non Fake News outlook of 47 year old men who have been married for 20 years. Sure enough there it was in black and white on my iFoam. “You may be a swinger if you have Flamingos in your front yard, white rocks around your mailbox, a black band on your right hand and some other things.” I passed it off and we kept on putting up the lawn art each morning so that our niece and nephews could find our beach chairs and we didn’t have any incidents. Sorry to disappoint our readers but we didn’t get propositioned but we did get some strange looks. You ever seen a beached whale under a beach umbrella chain smoking cigars? You get my drift.

IMG_1309I mean does this look like the face of a Swinger? Hell I just got enough money to afford those extra chins.

IMG_1277Can’t believe that someone put a Bud Light by our beach chair. The nerve of people!

IMG_1293Day 2 and from my vantage point under the umbrella all was good.

flamingoI promise that a bead of sweat rolled down my face when I started typing in “Are Flamingo’s the sign of a swinger?”

gnomeBut you know what also showed up as the sign of a swinger? Garden Gnomes! Be careful you swingers in Memphis. Exposure to RJ may result in pregnancy. AS – now feel free to judge me!

Keep it light folks and I hope you enjoyed the laugh!

Meet Me by the Saturday Night Live Clock in Grand Central

A while back I was going to do a joint day with one of my fellow tour bus ticket sellers. His territority is south of mine near Grand Central Station. He told me to meet him in Grand Central Station which if you have never been before it is effin huge. I get to the station a couple minutes early and he was running late. I tell him to meet me at the SNL clock in the main terminal. Below the SNL clock is an information station for tourists. While I was standing there I overheard about a dozen question exchanges by tourists. Now for someone who has lived here for some 685ish days some of these questions were hard to give directions. Here are some examples of the questions;

  • Q – “How do I get to Scarsdale?” A – “Track 16 and the train leaves in 5 minutes”
  • Q – “Can I buy my ticket on the train?” A – “Yes but you can get a cheaper ticket over at the kiosks.”
  • Q – “How do we get to JFK and the AirTrain?” A – “You would need to take the E Subway line to JFK and transfer there?”
  • Q – “How do we get to the Statue of Liberty?” A – “You would need to take the Subway to the Staten Island Ferry?”
  • Q – “Where does President Trump Live?” A – “The White House, you need to go to Union Station to ride Amtrak.”
  • Q – “Where can I get one of those cheap knock-off Fendi Purses?” A – “Canal Street or any corner in Midtown.”
  • Q – “Those guys with the large guns hanging around the front entrance, what are they here for?” A – “Bad Guys”
  • Q – “Do you know if those hotdog vendors are serving food that is safe?” A – “If you eat one everyday for a year it may kill you but you will be ok.”
  • Q – “Do you know how to get to Chik-Fil-A on 6th Avenue?” A – “Yeah but why?”

Have a good day!