CBT issues a F-Bomb

If it is on the Internet then it must be true

I have had a couple of my readers call me out and say I was full of shit regarding the Cross Dressing Jogger from my SWINGING POST earlier this week. First of all, I am not full of shit (stop laughing), I am always sincere (I said stop laughing) when I post things on the worthless dribble of a blog. (I will wait for you to go clean up your screen on your monitor or tablet b/c you blew coffee all over the screen.) Yesterday when Mrs. Trumpet and I were returning from having a drink going to church I asked Bobby the Doorman if the cross dressing jogger had been by yet. He said no but it was very close in the hour for him to jog by in his boudoir attire and running shoes. And you wonder why the doormen in our building love it when I come walking up, you don’t know what you are going to get.

We were speaking with one of the other doormen (Bobby’s English is so-so) and Freddy was telling us the cross dressing jogger’s story. “Elegant” Elliot Offen was a regular on the Howard Stern show till he got banned from the Sirius building in 2006 for punching a hole in the wall. He lives up in the Upper East Side and prefers to jog in attire that is traditionally not associated with road races. He has been known to be somewhat abrasive and has yelled at people while jogging. This sadly has also led to a couple of altercations with people and naturally the media calls it a hate crime. Freddy also told me that he speaks to Elliot from time to time and he is a stand up guy. Granted Freddy and I do admit that that Elliot’s outfit are on the racy for a reason. Hey everybody has got to work out don’t they?

IMG_1350You go Elegant Elliot! You go on with your bad self in your red satin nightie, green gloves, black elbow sleeves and eye black. Its a jungle out there on the streets of the Upper East Side.

Now before anyone starts dialing me up saying that I am casting aspersions on cross dressing or anything like that let me stop you right now. I love that I live in a city that if you want to put on an outfit like Elliot and it doesn’t break any laws or civil codes then by all means have at it. As long as he or anyone for that matter goes about their day and isn’t vulgar or offensive to young children then go get you some. Personally I have to give Elegant Elliot props;

  1. He is jogging in the worst part of the day when there are all kinds of heat advisories going on.
  2. The long hair in this humidity, I would be wearing that shit in a pony tail if I were in his Nikes.
  3. His choice of clothing may be considered strange but I bet he will be singing a different tune if he is wearing the associated crotch-less undergarments with that red teddy. Talk about some swamp ass!

I hope you have a good day and have a good weekend.

You mean Pink Flamingo’s signal what?

I admit it openly, I am pretty naïve when it comes to a lot of stuff. Moving up here we have seen things that you quickly learn goes unfazed to a lot of New Yorkers. Case in point the cross dressing jogger of First Avenue. At first, it raised an eyebrow when Mrs. Trumpet and I were heading to our local drinking establishment. Now we worry if we don’t see her jogging in their slinky black dress and running shoes each day. You think that I am bullshitting you? Google First Avenue Cross Dressing Jogger! But don’t do it on your work computer. We need you still employed on Thursday.

A couple of weeks back some of our friends were vacationing in the Redneck Riviera well before our arrival. They posted a picture of some pink flamingos that they put into the sand to mark their beach chairs. Naturally since we had a large group heading with us, I visited Amazon and purchased a set (alcohol may or may not have been involved) for our trip. I posted the picture on Instagram and sent a pic on the group thread that a couple of us were on. Then it happened;

“All Signs Point to Yes” shot me a text on the group thread that his daughter informed them that a pink flamingo was the tale tail sign of swingers and we should watch out. Naturally I called crap and decided to GTS that to confirm. I mean Google is the official Non Fake News outlook of 47 year old men who have been married for 20 years. Sure enough there it was in black and white on my iFoam. “You may be a swinger if you have Flamingos in your front yard, white rocks around your mailbox, a black band on your right hand and some other things.” I passed it off and we kept on putting up the lawn art each morning so that our niece and nephews could find our beach chairs and we didn’t have any incidents. Sorry to disappoint our readers but we didn’t get propositioned but we did get some strange looks. You ever seen a beached whale under a beach umbrella chain smoking cigars? You get my drift.

IMG_1309I mean does this look like the face of a Swinger? Hell I just got enough money to afford those extra chins.

IMG_1277Can’t believe that someone put a Bud Light by our beach chair. The nerve of people!

IMG_1293Day 2 and from my vantage point under the umbrella all was good.

flamingoI promise that a bead of sweat rolled down my face when I started typing in “Are Flamingo’s the sign of a swinger?”

gnomeBut you know what also showed up as the sign of a swinger? Garden Gnomes! Be careful you swingers in Memphis. Exposure to RJ may result in pregnancy. AS – now feel free to judge me!

Keep it light folks and I hope you enjoyed the laugh!

Meet Me by the Saturday Night Live Clock in Grand Central

A while back I was going to do a joint day with one of my fellow tour bus ticket sellers. His territority is south of mine near Grand Central Station. He told me to meet him in Grand Central Station which if you have never been before it is effin huge. I get to the station a couple minutes early and he was running late. I tell him to meet me at the SNL clock in the main terminal. Below the SNL clock is an information station for tourists. While I was standing there I overheard about a dozen question exchanges by tourists. Now for someone who has lived here for some 685ish days some of these questions were hard to give directions. Here are some examples of the questions;

  • Q – “How do I get to Scarsdale?” A – “Track 16 and the train leaves in 5 minutes”
  • Q – “Can I buy my ticket on the train?” A – “Yes but you can get a cheaper ticket over at the kiosks.”
  • Q – “How do we get to JFK and the AirTrain?” A – “You would need to take the E Subway line to JFK and transfer there?”
  • Q – “How do we get to the Statue of Liberty?” A – “You would need to take the Subway to the Staten Island Ferry?”
  • Q – “Where does President Trump Live?” A – “The White House, you need to go to Union Station to ride Amtrak.”
  • Q – “Where can I get one of those cheap knock-off Fendi Purses?” A – “Canal Street or any corner in Midtown.”
  • Q – “Those guys with the large guns hanging around the front entrance, what are they here for?” A – “Bad Guys”
  • Q – “Do you know if those hotdog vendors are serving food that is safe?” A – “If you eat one everyday for a year it may kill you but you will be ok.”
  • Q – “Do you know how to get to Chik-Fil-A on 6th Avenue?” A – “Yeah but why?”

Have a good day!

 

Random Pictures on the iFoam – Memphis Edition

Some of these are pretty good. Then again some of these are pretty bad depending on how you look at them.

IMG_0908Someone (not me) was enjoying their “Soul Burger” on the walk from home into South Bluffs

IMG_0926Had to snap a picture of my first downtown condo. Why the hell We didn’t keep that sucker is a mystery to me.

IMG_0941Me and A-Cups on the porch Sunday. We don’t have porches here in New York, we have stoops.

IMG_0934I took some major shit from the NYC boys for my “Preakness” Attire. I had to wear a jacket to Weed’s party and it was kind of warm so I broke out the shorts too. That was my first beer too!

IMG_0909Hadn’t seen this knucklehead in years. She is all grown up! We will have to add her and her sister to the CARL LIPBALM MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP list.

IMG_0940Lisa Marie and her little sister Willimena Esmerelda (she was born on Willie Nelson’s birthday) also do you not see her giving me an a Elvis pose? 

Don’t worry, that is all for the pictures from Memphis so relax.

Weber, My Shit be Broke!

Sorry for the vulgarity this early in the morning, I had to quote former All American “Big” Freddie Childress.

Welp it was bound to happen. 47 year old feet supporting a svelte 175 pound frame that is averaging about 5 miles a day walking in Manhattan and something has to give. I started having some ‘heel’ pain about a month ago and was hoping that it was just plantar fasciitis and not something worse like a stress fracture. I limp around the UES for a couple days until the pain was so great that I had to find a podiatrists who specialized in sports medicine. That is the great thing about New York, there are more podiatrists in Manhattan than there are Irish bars and I now understand why.

When we moved from Memphis to Gotham our mileage went from 0 to about 4 miles a day and there was little to no ‘ease in’ period. If you aren’t wearing shoes that are designed for walking then you are asking for trouble. When BD & SD were in town B was telling me how he wore a pair of leather soled shoes to make sales calls on a trip up here. The next morning he awoke with shin splints. Anyway after almost 2 years of living up here my right foot finally gave out and the tire went flat.

I meet with Doc B and he is one of the podiatrists who is on staff for the NY Knicks. Apparently basketball players have this ailment all the time. Doc looks at me and tells me that rest (yeah like that can happen) is the best treatment but I will have to undergo Physical Therapy. Pretty much that is Ultrasound, deep tissue massage, exercises and a tape job. He fits me for some orthotics and sends me on my way. Now for you Memphians who are wondering what the big deal is having plantar fasciitis is for a guy who walks instead of driving to make sales calls. Try driving your car with 4 fucking flat tires. This shit hurts!

ds00508_im00939_r7_fasciitisthu_jpg

Here is what happens when you suffer with this ailment. AKA This shit hurts each and every step.

 

IMG_1018Waiting for my time in the chair!

IMG_1020Don’t worry this won’t hurt me one bit

IMG_1019The Bad Wheel, it would cost too much to cut it off according to the doc

IMG_1021It only cost me a small fortune for these things and they make my feet feel worse till they get broke it.

IMG_1023Tape Job while I am walking around the city. It helps but still this stuff hurts

Have a good weekend. I still have a bunch of posts that I need to work on over the weekend. I will do better.

Happy Anniversary of Circling the Sun 50 times Weed

Editor’s note – I am fairly disciplined about divulging people’s names on this worthless dribble of a blog. If they didn’t have a nickname already I normally gave them one that doesn’t really incriminate them. That being said, the person named “Weed” is a real nickname but I promise that her name has nothing to do with Colorado’s State Flower/Plant and it would take too long to explain how she got it. 

So 2 weeks ago I headed to Memphis for some work, some play and to celebrate Weed’s surprise 50th birthday. I have to give D credit, she orchestrated this thing like a mad scientist. When the guest list got above 30 even I was wondering if the surprise could be kept quiet but she pulled it off.

Friday night we all arranged to meet up the Flying Saucer and as the Mo-Ho’s trickled in it was waterworks on each and every arrival. Many 40’s were drunk that night on 3rd Avenue and I ‘think’ I rolled into bed around 3ish. Saturday we all headed up to Midtown for brunch, beers and the surprise. Bless OTB (Old Tired & Bitter) and Ziggy for hosting, it went off without a hitch. Afterwards things went ugly as we headed to Beale for the stalking of Barbara Blue and Gnome attacking.

Happy Birthday Weed, we have known you the longest and we love ya. Even if you were “a couple grades behind us.”

IMG_0884That poor boy spent a little too long down at the BBQ Fest. (not anyone we know)

IMG_0886The birthday girl and D aka the Mad Scientist of Planning (venue not disclosed)

IMG_0903This is when you could say that “it went off the rails”

IMG_0895Play that Funky Music White Girl aka Baby Fine Hair!

IMG_0905My Missouri Legal Counsel

IMG_0907We miss ya Raiford!

IMG_0911Snot did come out of my nose when I saw some of these pics. Oh and A-Cups, yes I am going to forever be haunted by the image of grandma’s hoo-hoo.

IMG_0914The Unofficial Queen of Beale Street – Ms. Barbara Blue

IMG_0916A view over Nate’s shoulder

IMG_0919Here is where it went off the rails on Saturday night!

IMG_0922If never hear Lucinda William’s “Drunken Angel” ever again I am probably good with that!

IMG_0928Sunset over Monroe Avenue as I was heading into Bardog.

 

Happy Birthday Weed! It was great to see everyone and play with the MoHo’s too!

 

Apple be Racist – Fun times on the Q Train to Times Square

I must have had the Jackass magnet on when I left the apartment Monday morning. I knew it was going to be a ‘special’ day when I walked out of the building and one of the little fuckers sweet children in the building rolled over my foot on his Razor. I did feel better when accidently ‘hip checked’ him into the planter. That aught to teach him a lesson.

But I digress. I made my way to the Q platform at E72nd street and got to the middle of the platform. For some reason the Q was packed yesterday morning. I shoehorned my ass on the train and found a spot next to one of the center poles. As the doors were shutting, I heard the sound that all New Yorkers groan. “Excuse me everybody, I apologize but I…..” as an older African American male went into his story of how he hit on hard times. Normally the speech and the time to walk through the subway car to get any change given by passengers is about the same time it takes to get to the next stop.

Unfortunately for us, we had a delay heading to the E63rd & Lexington station. So skillet was still in our subway car and then it happened. I was minding my own business listening to some Ludacris and I hear the gentlemen go into a rant yelling at the top of his lungs. “You Mudda Effers are all a bunch of Racists. You stand there judging me with your white earbuds in your hears. You all are a racists and Jesus won’t help you on judgement day.”

I really don’t know how to come back with that zinger other than “Bless your heart”

IMG_0794Here I am in my “Racist” earbuds but I am rocking my black suit and black tie ala Reservoir Dogs

Go forth and have a good day folks.

 

I have to come clean to my Memphis Readers

*Fade in to a large room with people sitting on folding chairs in a circle*
“Hello, my name is Carbunkle Trumpet and I am now a New York Rangers Hockey Fan.”
“Hello Carbunkle Trumpet!”

I guess I am going to have to call my mother and father and break the news to them that their first born has officially turned. I hope my dad takes it gently. I know that he had high hopes for me. My Mother, she will be devastated. For you 9 readers, this is what happens to Memphis Grizzlies fans when they get bounced from the first round of the playoffs.

Lets go back to when the Hockey bug started in me. It was back two January’s ago when I attended my first Hockey Game in MSG and it was AMAZING! Then I started to watch the games periodically when I was hanging with the boys at the Cigar Inn. This winter, I would find myself at the Cigar joint when the Rangers were on and I started to watch it out of the corner of my eye. Doc would sit in front of the big screen and would add commentary and I would pick up a couple of pointers. 

Then I started following @NYRangers on Twitter and picked up more useless information. Next thing I knew what icing was (I thought it was the stuff on a cake) and even recognized offsides. When the Grizzlies were playing the Spurs we noticed that when the Grizz were on the same night as the Rangers they both won. I even had the boys put the Grizz game on one of the smaller TV’s (if the Mets or Yankees were off) and started getting some traction on my claim of double wins.

The Grizz were eliminated and Tuesday night I was sitting at the Cigar Inn and started to realize that I was into it. I really was starting to recognize shots on goals, line changes, dirty plays and even power plays. It came to me last night when I was sitting there and even knew what time the game started,  who the Rangers were playing and who was leading the series. When Oscar Lindberg scored the second goal in the second period I yelled out in jubilation. My friend Alex was quick to bust my chops;
“Oh you are a Rangers fan now? I don’t know if I can stomach someone with a Southern accent cheering for a New York team. Knock that shit off!”

So there you go. The series is tied up and we head back to Ottawa (don’t ask me where the F that is) for Game 5. I may paint my chest this Saturday. Just make sure someone checks on my folks. They are probably grieving that their son has turned to the dark side.

IMG_0706Getting ready for Game 3

Anne-Burrell-Attending-the-New-York-Rangers-Game--03-300x420I can’t believe that I am cheering for the same team as she is. I am sure that Grainbin Girl is spitting her coffee out right now.

5rJUyyNz_400x400How sweet will it be when I text Pucci asking her “Who has the Cup?” when the Blue Shirts win Lord Stanley’s Cup but I fear that “Costa Reaper” may disown me for not cheering for his Left Coast Team.

IMG_0765I even have Fecking Gear now! This won’t bode well with my Memphis Buddies…..at all!

Memphis Parents, start paying attention to what your kids are watching. There may still be hope for them.

In the Meantime – LETS GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!

 

That is cute and everything but when is this shit going melt?

First and foremost, My hats off to KLC Man, Nova, Farmer Ted and anyone who lives in the ‘snow belt’. I now know what you go now through from October to June. Remember back last year when New York got the 30 Inches of Snow. What you didn’t know was that right after the snowstorm my ass headed to Memphis for 2 weeks so I didn’t have to deal with the aftermath. Do you know how much of a bitch it is to move around the city with snow that is piled up on the sidewalks? Trust me, it is a pain in the ass. And you are talking about someone who only has had to endure roughly 2 major snow storms since living up here.

Tuesday we got Snowstorm ‘Stella’ and it was supposed to be a snowstorm and a Nor’easter at the same time. The city prepared for it by cancelling school on Monday, announcing that exposed subway lines would be closed and the 3 airports cancelled flights like it was nobody’s business. Monday night the snow was to start and as we were walking the dogs on their evening Pee/Poop I kept telling them “enjoy that sidewalk, the shit is about to get real’ tomorrow. Thankfully Manhattan didn’t get the 18 inches it was supposed to get but we did get 9 inches of snow and ice. Hats off to NY Sanitation because with a travel ban they were able to get the main streets cleared and New York was able to get out of ‘limp’ mode fairly quickly. By the way ‘limp’ mode in New York would have been ‘Full Fucking Stop’ in Memphis or anywhere in the south.

Now if you are reading this in Memphis or parts south of the Mason Dixon line this may not be a big deal to you but when a plow pushes snow to the side of the street it piles up. Sadly there isn’t a ‘snow fairy’ who comes in and waves its magic wand and makes it go away. This stuff packs in and is harder than a high school oil boy at a Hawaiian Tropic Swimsuit competition. You see what I am getting to here? Eventually someone with a tractor makes ‘curb cuts’ to allow pedestrians to make their way across the street. The passageway are maybe 2 feet wide if that and with all the people walking around, you get the picture. It is a pain in the ass.

I am going to show the pictures to give you an idea of what I am talking about. I assure you that this southern boy is ready for spring and summer because trudging in this crap sucks. Maria, I am now bitching about the snow and weather do I get the next New Yorker badge? I guess you need to take me to your favorite Pizza place next. Enjoy the pictures. 

IMG_0503This was on Tuesday Morning when I came down to bring the dogs out to Pee. Pay no attention to Paul’s arm on the left side of the picture. He is laughing at me because I was saying to myself “At least it isn’t rain, at least it isn’t rain!”

IMG_0504Traffic was light on First Avenue on Tuesday Morning to say the least. Notice the street, they already plowed it earlier in the morning.

IMG_0505See the path on the sidewalk? That was Manny on the John Deere Tractor/snow plow who made that to push some sidewalk snow onto the street.

IMG_0506Hard to tell but the snow by the curb is about a foot deep. This was taken about 9AM on Tuesday and we had a full 8 hours of snow and sleet after that!

IMG_0501Here is my little snow bunny about to head to work on Tuesday. She is giving me ‘the look’ because my ass was in pajama pants and was checking to see what time the cigar joint opened that afternoon.

IMG_0509This poor Bastard got stuck on the shore during the storm on Tuesday. He getting rained on and the wind was a bitch. I bet that he was late to a staff meeting so they gave him this duty.

IMG_0510Wednesday they were digging out cars and this is reason number one that I am glad that we don’t own a car here. E72nd @ 2nd Ave

IMG_0511Call the ACPCA on my ass, I don’t care. If I had to put booties on the Monkey Heads they would bite me and it would be more trouble than what it is worth. Here this is the norm with dogs.

IMG_0512Taken on E73rd as I was…..wait for it….coming back from the Cigar joint.

IMG_0514Imagine 40 people coming and going trying to walk past in this little ass path in under 15 seconds.

IMG_0513This is a great way to make sure your bike doesn’t get stolen. Bury it in snow.

IMG_0515No curb cut? This is why we wear hiking boots in New York during snow days.

IMG_0520I see one of my work cohorts on Wednesday in a shared building and he takes one look at me and says “You going to work at Texas D Brazil?” I am fine with losing cool points, at least my feet are warm compared to your frozen toes.

IMG_0522Makes it damn near impossible to Jay Walk when we have snow piles.

IMG_0524Clearing the snow on 5th Avenue. They happen to have a little parade today and the Asian Fireman, Mr. 3 First Names, AB, and Skippy don’t want snow tickling their balls as they walk up the street in their kilts.

IMG_0525Yeah your ass ain’t getting your smart car out anytime soon bud.

IMG_0499As seen on Monday when I was making 19 calls to offset being home on Tuesday. I should have asked these guys on Monday if they needed anyone to sell Tour Bus Tickets on the Beach instead of Manhattan.

I will probably post some pics this weekend from the weekend’s festivities. Happy St. Patrick’s day folks. We are going to The Yonkers St. Patrick’s Parade on Saturday with Zsquared, Enimily the International Charleston Belle, Mel the IU Fan, and DC.

 

 

Hey Kid…..

Bonus post today considering that it is Super Bowl Sunday. Ahh yes the only day of year where eating your face off on wings, pizza, and cheese dip is perfectly acceptable while downing a gallon of beer. Since I really don’t have a NFL team that I call my own. I mean I do pull for the Jets over the Giants because they are the Cubs of the NFL. But what I do care for on Super Bowl Sunday is the score was because I got money on a couple of football boards.

Football boards are as American as Apple Pie and Facebook debates on if the president is doing a great job or not. When I was in Memphis pretty much every bar that I would frequent would have one for the ‘big game’ and pay in was typically a buck to 20 dollars depending on the establishment. I remember back in the day when Rocky would have the 100.00 board and you thought of that as big money. They would have payouts at the end of each quarter but still the chance to win 2K was always fun.

Moving up here betting is on steroids. Not only do they have 5 dollar boards they also have hundred dollar, thousand dollar, two thousand dollar and yep even a ten thousand dollar board. There is a rumor that one of the big investment banking firms downtown has a million dollar board but I haven’t confirmed this. The cigar joint that I frequent has a couple of them and rather than pay out after each quarter they pay out at the end. Talk about a nice day at the track, who wouldn’t want to win 10K on a stupid football game? (psst – don’t tell Mrs. Trumpet but I am in on that board and even splitting another square with a buddy of mine)

Even my boss gets in on the action. Now gambling is frowned upon at the tour bus company but she was getting in on some action for her son’s baseball team for a fund raiser called 50-50. She wasn’t too sure where to pick her square so I told her that she should either go 4 across and 3 down for her birthday (same as mine I might add) or go X across and 10 down because she is hitting a big birthday this year. Both squares were already taken so I suggested she put her anniversary date.

So for me, I really don’t give 2 shits on who wins the game, well yes I do. I want the Falcons to win just because everybody up here hates the Patriots. But all I want is for the final score to be with the last numbers to be Falcons 3 and the Patriots 9. That way we will be getting paid at Baker Street. Also I hope that Jo’s numbers come in too because she went BIG BALLS and is playing the 2K buy in at the pub across the street from Baker Street.  Me I get a text from AS who works at SP and he asked me if I wanted in on a 1K board. Thankfully the squares were sold out before I could talk Justin in half with me. ?

0409501001484255879_filepickerDid you know that there is more money wagered on the Coin toss than the whole game?

img_0262-1 5K payout if we win! Hell to the yes!

Have a good day and don’t be a P word and call in sick tomorrow. Nobody likes a quitter!