CBT Takes on NYC

Two Years living at 40.7672° N, 73.9560° W – We are now home.

I will get to the title of this entry in a minute. But for those of you naysayers who said “That short fucker won’t last a month up there with them Yankees” pay up bitches! First of all apologies to my now 10 readers (that’s right we have 10 readers now) for not posting anything yesterday, I have had a week from hell. It was 2 years ago today that we pulled up to 1330 First Avenue (that’s the Lat & Long in the title) in a rented U-Haul Truck and unloaded all of our stuff into a 535 square foot apartment in the Upper East Side. At the time I didn’t have no job, no idea of what we were in for, and I just moved 1600 miles away from a helluva network that I had built for 45 years.

I have spoken ad nauseum about “pulling off the Band-Aid” or how going out on a limb has been such an unbelievable experience for Mrs. Trumpet and I. Even last night as we were having drinks at our local establishment we talked how after Mrs. Trumpet kicked cancer’s ass that it woke the both of us up. Aside from moving up here, both of us now have jobs with companies that we actually enjoy working for. Both of us are working harder than we ever have and it doesn’t really bother us. This time next spring she will have finished up her MBA at NYU as she took 21 credits this past year. I mean, I bitched when I had to take 12 hours at the University but Superwoman knocked that shit out of the park.

LOOK DOWN HERE I AM FINALLY GETTING TO MY POINT – Sorry I have a bad case of having diarrhea of the mouth and like to get on my soapbox. So a couple of weeks back as I was enjoying my Murray’s Bagel (Not Toasted, mind you) I was reading Rebecca’s POST about being back in the US but how Belize was now actually home. This started to make me think; I have pretty much all of my possessions in a room that is no bigger than your standard garage and I am very content with that notion. Don’t get me wrong, I do miss that I am not there to watch my nieces and nephews grow up. I do miss listening to RJ bitch because he has 2 girls in diapers (I am kidding Mal-O-Rie) and his beer drinking is taking a hit due to it. I miss seeing my friends and family but as much as you may not like to hear this; home is now in New York.

With my job there is always discussions about “So what is your next step?” If you have been hiding under a rock you realize that I don’t actually sell tour bus tickets to the tourists in Times Square but actually the place I work for has it’s Headquarters in Memphis. I hear this a lot “So do you want to move back to Memphis?” and my normal answer is “I haven’t even figured out this job yet, why do I want to move already?” But the truth is that who really knows what will happen. I learned a very long time ago not to burn any bridges because one day you may need to use that bridge again. You will never ever see me bash Memphis like the spoiled little shit millennial blog writer did who moved to the west Coast. Sure Memphis has some issues but that is what makes it such a unique place to live. I get asked all the time up here where I am from. When I tell them they normally give me the “We have been to Nashville, is that the same?” You try not to publically laugh at them but I normally I say no but ask them if they were there for a bachelor/bachelorette party. Next steps for Mrs. Trumpet and I? Who knows, we are enjoying living on this rock right now.

IMG_8491

I am glad that day was over. Trust me, driving 1600 miles in a U-Haul that is govern’d down to 70 miles per hour will make one a tad crazy.

IMG_1403Hey Scoop – Don’t hate the player, hate the Game! I am glad to read that you are doing well up north of the bridge. We will be in Mexico around the middle of December for a couple of days.

IMG_1399Hey Fucker – Where are those Trolleys that I used to bark at?

IMG_1401Jo – “You do know that we carry 30 beers on tap and have a substantial list of New York Microbrews don’t you?”
Me – “There are starving kids in china too but I am not sending my half eaten sandwich over there. Give me a Bud Light Please.”

lady-liberty-facing-theThat view doesn’t suck you know

I see that I have gone well over my 400 words and we have to get ready for a 4 year olds birthday party in the Bronx so I will close with a corny saying that I have seen people post.

“Memphis will always be in my heart but New York City is Home.”

Thanks for reading this worthless dribble now for 2 years. Next year we really tear the roof of this sucker!

Pictures of the Week! And its Restaurant Week Too!

Hope everyone in Memphis is trying to stay cool. I am not going to lie, it felt pretty nice this week not sweating into my socks after our rainstorm earlier in the week. The Kid in the puffy coat still takes the cake, bless his heart. We are starting New York’s summer restaurant week that runs till August 18. In other words this is my Graceland or otherwise its like a fat kid eating cake!

daniel-profile-860x574Oh Grainbin Girl is going to be pissed now. Yep we are going to be dining with this man at not one but 2 of his joints for restaurant week.

IMG_1372I think it was best when Rebecca said that this person must be from Belize. It was 70 degrees out folks.

IMG_1365Shout out to Sandy and Rick our former Rowing Coaches – That is big balls rowing right there folks. That isn’t some little lake, it is the Hudson River! #Power #thatswhatshesaid

IMG_1363Need to make it over there one time. I hear it is nice

IMG_1366Now that folks is a Bar!

IMG_1360Went on a boat ride last Sunday. Nice shot of the Brooklyn Bridge and Lower Manhattan in the background.

IMG_1364Some Bitch in the Harbor! And S/O to Boris my new barber! My hair game was on point this past Sunday!

IMG_1368Well we do have the Bakers Dozen shows of Phish at MSG going on now.

IMG_1362Freedom Tower on an overcast day

I will let you know how Dinner was! #donthatetheplayerhatethegame

 

If it is on the Internet then it must be true

I have had a couple of my readers call me out and say I was full of shit regarding the Cross Dressing Jogger from my SWINGING POST earlier this week. First of all, I am not full of shit (stop laughing), I am always sincere (I said stop laughing) when I post things on the worthless dribble of a blog. (I will wait for you to go clean up your screen on your monitor or tablet b/c you blew coffee all over the screen.) Yesterday when Mrs. Trumpet and I were returning from having a drink going to church I asked Bobby the Doorman if the cross dressing jogger had been by yet. He said no but it was very close in the hour for him to jog by in his boudoir attire and running shoes. And you wonder why the doormen in our building love it when I come walking up, you don’t know what you are going to get.

We were speaking with one of the other doormen (Bobby’s English is so-so) and Freddy was telling us the cross dressing jogger’s story. “Elegant” Elliot Offen was a regular on the Howard Stern show till he got banned from the Sirius building in 2006 for punching a hole in the wall. He lives up in the Upper East Side and prefers to jog in attire that is traditionally not associated with road races. He has been known to be somewhat abrasive and has yelled at people while jogging. This sadly has also led to a couple of altercations with people and naturally the media calls it a hate crime. Freddy also told me that he speaks to Elliot from time to time and he is a stand up guy. Granted Freddy and I do admit that that Elliot’s outfit are on the racy for a reason. Hey everybody has got to work out don’t they?

IMG_1350You go Elegant Elliot! You go on with your bad self in your red satin nightie, green gloves, black elbow sleeves and eye black. Its a jungle out there on the streets of the Upper East Side.

Now before anyone starts dialing me up saying that I am casting aspersions on cross dressing or anything like that let me stop you right now. I love that I live in a city that if you want to put on an outfit like Elliot and it doesn’t break any laws or civil codes then by all means have at it. As long as he or anyone for that matter goes about their day and isn’t vulgar or offensive to young children then go get you some. Personally I have to give Elegant Elliot props;

  1. He is jogging in the worst part of the day when there are all kinds of heat advisories going on.
  2. The long hair in this humidity, I would be wearing that shit in a pony tail if I were in his Nikes.
  3. His choice of clothing may be considered strange but I bet he will be singing a different tune if he is wearing the associated crotch-less undergarments with that red teddy. Talk about some swamp ass!

I hope you have a good day and have a good weekend.

The Trumpets go to 161st street

One of the perks that Mrs. Trumpet has at work in addition to all the free office supplies she can steal is that she can get free New York Yankees tickets on occasion. This past Friday we got some tickets and invited the Asian Fireman and his family. This was the first Yankees game for Fee and C-Man and they were pumped to say the least. We headed up on the 4 train and were greeted with an hour and 45 minute rain delay. The kids were great and only cost their parents a couple hundred bucks with Yankees Swag, junk food and naturally cotton candy. The game was not much in terms of offense but the kids had a great time. We got to hang out with the Asian Fireman and Asian Fireman’s wife and catch up.

19424438_10155475772549764_179133934817604610_nNeedless to say there were some upset Philly Fans by this picture. Wee Fee also graduated from Kindergarten earlier in the day and had her first Subway ride in the day too!

IMG_1166The Tarp was still on the field but thankfully Mrs. Trumpet got our tickets out of the elements.

IMG_1170Play Ball!

19420845_10155584014923783_8798188607574298526_nHeading home. C-Man and Fee had a blast. And for those of you wondering, we are National League fans so being a Yankees fan is ok. Unless the Cubs or the Cardinals play the Yankees then it is game on!

 

 

What do you do for groceries?

You would be surprised how many times we get asked that question. I swear that some people think that just because we don’t have a car or Kroger in Midtown we are starving up here. Granted we do have a grocery store right across the street but I am not a fan of Anal Rape and don’t like paying 100 bucks for 4 items that should cost 20 bucks in the suburbs.

We do have Fresh Direct and Peapod food delivery services but they don’t carry everything so we are forced to go out to hunt and gather. The Morton Williams across the street is ok for things you need in a pinch but they cost more than Whole Foods or a bodega and I prefer Fairways Grocery. A couple of weeks back my former boss, Ernie Mellor, posted a Grilled Corn and Butter Bean summer salad that we used to enjoy. I was craving that so I decided on Sunday morning I would venture up to E86th Street to get provisions. Now the Fairways is about 18 blocks away and schlepping groceries isn’t the easiest in New York if you don’t have a buggy. I bought one a couple years ago and it is great for carrying stuff to and from.

I jump on the Q to E86th street and thankfully the store wasn’t mobbed as one would normally expect. I credit this to lots of people being out of town and that it was rather early in the morning. I get my groceries and lug my cart back to the apartment and get to work on grilling some corn and make the salad. Dinner was excellent by the way.

IMG_1172Here is the recipe for those of you New Yorkers who wish to have something different.

IMG_1179Here is my little Cart while we wait for the Sunday Subway schedule

IMG_1180Fairly Quiet on E86th Street this morning.

IMG_1181Front of the store on E86th Street

IMG_1182Prepared Fruits Section

IMG_1195I knew that the little clip I picked up at Home Depot would come in handy. I can hang my buggy on the shopping cart.

IMG_1196The Produce Section is killer here.

IMG_1197Anybody need 40 pounds of Garlic?

IMG_1198This joint has a serious Butcher and Fish Monger Station.

IMG_1199Not going to lie there are about 20 different species of fish that I am not familiar with when I come here

IMG_1200A Casino Clam?

IMG_1203Went with Crab Cakes in honor of some former Memphian’s that are now new Baltimorean residents

IMG_1202Oh Look, the Gluten Haters have their own section.  Yep, I am going to take some shit from UWS Holly for this one. I have always poked fun of Gluten Free people and or Vegetarians saying that they were the new Al Qaeda because people used it as the new diet. UWS Holly actually is gluten intolerant and can’t digest it. Personally that sucks because who doesn’t love Jiffy Cornbread? Oh yeah, I am getting a text message for this one.

IMG_1201They love some Goya Canned Vegetables up here. Would it kill you to carry the Glory Brand?

IMG_1210Joker is packed to the gills ready to head back to E71st Street.

IMG_1211Here comes the Q Train

IMG_1212Just one subway stop. There were lots of people heading to Midtown to the Pride Parade

IMG_1213Taking Stairs with this cart is a pain in the ass. Thankfully they have lots of escalators on the new Second Avenue Subway line.

IMG_1214Finished the Corn and Butter Bean Salad (used a different version of cherry tomatoes to give it a different color)

Note to self – You are a fool if you don’t use one of the grocery delivery services for having bottled water, mixers or other heavy ass items delivered to your door.

 

 

 

Conversations of the Rich and Famous in Coffeehouses

When I am not day drinking, smoking cigars or eating food that is bad for me, I have to hold down a full time job. Sadly Mrs. Trumpet hasn’t hit the bigtime and let me be a kept man so each day I put on my suit and head out to work. I sell those bus tickets to the tourists in Times Square *not my real job* and have to keep up with emails and ish like that on my laptop. We have an office in the Garment District but I would rather masturbate with a cheese grater than go there. No I am not being one of those surly people, it is out of my way and I never get anything accomplished when I go there.

Rather than stay in the apartment I like to get out and normally hole up at a satellite office on W45th street. Yes it is still out of my area but I can get work done and steal office supplies and get free coffee. *again not true because they have crappy coffee and shitty pens*  When my schedule requires me to stay well north of E60th Street I normally head to my favorite coffee shop on Lexington and E70th street. I get my double bull espresso and fancy NYC sparking bottled water and bang out work on the laptop at the outside tables.

The people in the UES are interesting folks. Some make more money than God and spend more in HOA fees and mortgages in a month than some people make in a year. What keeps me grounded by living up here is eavesdropping on some of their conversations.  Below are some of the better examples;

Bubbe 1- “Aren’t you worried about this latest outbreak of Legionnaires disease that they found in the water chiller in the UES?”
Bubbe 2 – “I thought that it was in Flint Michigan, we hardly use the water from our apartment for drinking or cooking.”
B 1 – “No the outbreak of Legionnaires is the disease that resembles the flu and can kill you. Not related to the water from the tap.”
B 2 – “You will have to excuse me, I am all verklempt about this Trump thing. My maid is worried she is going to be deported.” *stop laughing this was a true conversation*

Guy 1 – “I swear I am going to murder my wife, you will not believe what she did yesterday.”
Guy 2 – “What did your sweet wife of 40 years do? She didn’t find out that you got that cigar locker at Club Macanudo did she?”
G 1 – “No that is from my discretionary fund, she purchased another pair of those expensive ass shoes that won’t fit because of her orthotics so she will wear them once they will damn near cripple her and will throw them out. I told her not to do that.”
G 2 – “Could be worse, she could have found out that you have 4 cigar lockers all over the city.”

Wife – “What time are we leaving for the summer cottage?”
Husband – “I told you that the car is picking us up this afternoon at 3 so we can be at the Wall Street Heliport by 3:30.”
Wife – “Can we go a little later, I have a hair appointment and this will rush me.”
Husband – “If we don’t leave then we will get stuck in air traffic for all those people heading to the Hamptons.” *Not sure where they have their house but I am figuring it is somewhere in Connecticut*
Wife – “I guess I can hurry, I hate it when you get like this.”

So have a good weekend because my poor ass is going to probably text my work wife and see if we can come crash her beach party on Long Island and drink some cold beer.

Meet Me by the Saturday Night Live Clock in Grand Central

A while back I was going to do a joint day with one of my fellow tour bus ticket sellers. His territority is south of mine near Grand Central Station. He told me to meet him in Grand Central Station which if you have never been before it is effin huge. I get to the station a couple minutes early and he was running late. I tell him to meet me at the SNL clock in the main terminal. Below the SNL clock is an information station for tourists. While I was standing there I overheard about a dozen question exchanges by tourists. Now for someone who has lived here for some 685ish days some of these questions were hard to give directions. Here are some examples of the questions;

  • Q – “How do I get to Scarsdale?” A – “Track 16 and the train leaves in 5 minutes”
  • Q – “Can I buy my ticket on the train?” A – “Yes but you can get a cheaper ticket over at the kiosks.”
  • Q – “How do we get to JFK and the AirTrain?” A – “You would need to take the E Subway line to JFK and transfer there?”
  • Q – “How do we get to the Statue of Liberty?” A – “You would need to take the Subway to the Staten Island Ferry?”
  • Q – “Where does President Trump Live?” A – “The White House, you need to go to Union Station to ride Amtrak.”
  • Q – “Where can I get one of those cheap knock-off Fendi Purses?” A – “Canal Street or any corner in Midtown.”
  • Q – “Those guys with the large guns hanging around the front entrance, what are they here for?” A – “Bad Guys”
  • Q – “Do you know if those hotdog vendors are serving food that is safe?” A – “If you eat one everyday for a year it may kill you but you will be ok.”
  • Q – “Do you know how to get to Chik-Fil-A on 6th Avenue?” A – “Yeah but why?”

Have a good day!

 

Tell me if you think this is odd or it is just me

A couple weeks back we went up to the Bronx for the Yankees game and then for a birthday party celebration for Gumatta Jenny. While we were waiting for dinner in Morris Park we found an Albanian bar that we grabbed a drink. As we were walking back to the car we came across a flower shop. In the windows it seemed a ‘little off’ in that the front window display were plastic flowers. Let me type that out again for you. THEY HAD FUCKING PLASTIC FLOWERS in the window. Am I missing something here?

IMG_0959Yep, something is defiantly wrong here.

IMG_0960They were more fake than the “Damn Neighbor’s” cans

I am guessing that this store is a ‘front’ for something. What do you think?

 

Carbunkle Trumpet Eats Crow again

I am somewhat of a smart ass…I know that some of you can’t believe that one bit but it is true. Way back when IKEA announced they were coming to Memphis people lost their damned minds on Social Media. This announcement was before we even knew that we were going to move to New York and have our entire apartment outfitted with IKEA stuff. I made some snarky comment about the particle board furniture and how Memphians were losing their shit. My good friend TO the OJ Simpson Bronco driver took notice of my tweet.

When we moved to New York almost 2 years ago we naturally made our first trip to Red Hook’s IKEA and I was impressed. Yes we outfitted our entire apartment since we sold all of our shit before we made the 1600 mile drive. I think that I made a comment on Twitter and my friend TO was quick to remind me about the tweet and she called me out on it. I deserved it and it was funny too. Because of the location of the IKEA in Brooklyn it is somewhat hard to get there. You can take the ferry to and from but trust me when I say that schlepping your crap back in a blue bag sucks.

This past weekend Mrs. Trumpet was in the throws of schoolwork, studying and I needed to get the hell out of the house. I had a small list of stuff that I needed to get from IKEA. I figured that heading to Red Hook was a good way to get out of the house and get it done. Now the Ferry doesn’t start running from Pier 11 until 11:30 and I wanted to try to get some Cigar time with the boys so I took my chances and headed to Brooklyn on the F Train. The F Train made news last week when one of the subway trains went tits up and lost power, and air-conditioning. One of the Rhodes girls from many moons ago was stuck on that train and I could only imagine how bad that sucked. Thankfully the F Train made it to Smith Avenue and I grabbed a 5 dollar Uber drive to IKEA.

All in all it was only 45 minutes door to door and I was in and out of IKEA under an hour and was able to catch the 11:45 ferry to Wall Street. So there you go TO, feel free to bust me out again as I eat some crow. Be kind would you?

IMG_1040Waiting on the F Train. That joker has yet to be on time.

IMG_1041She would get major style points if those suckers were pink.

IMG_1043On the Ferry heading back to Manhattan

IMG_1044Governors Island

IMG_1045Doesn’t get old looking at Lower Manhattan from the water at all.

IMG_1046Looking at the buildings on Water Street and Old Slip

IMG_1047Got some more $2.99 frames to hang the Playbills and ‘cool NYC stuff’ that we have done.

IMG_1048So far we have been to 15 cool NYC things and or plays/musicals. Not bad considering we haven’t gone to Colbert or Fallon (yet)

IMG_1049More Spice Racks and spice holders. Unfortunately we have to move them since the drawers can’t come out fully now. #Robofail

IMG_1050New Up lighting for the bedroom. Why don’t New Yorkers like lighting?

Hope you had a good weekend and stayed cool. It was a hot one in the city on Sunday.

 

 

 

Memphians – Be careful what you wish for! #carbunkletrumpetcares

This post is for all of you who would bitch on Social Media about how Memphis should bury their electric lines underground rather than put on telephone poles. Shout out to a couple of you who asked if I was really dead because I hadn’t penned anything in a while. Ironic that my first post back from my 2 week hiatus is about something that could make me ‘join the choir invisible.”  Do you recall when I talked about the FIVE THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN NYC well I seemed to have forgotten about one. What in the hell am I talking about here you wonder…….the ole NYC exploding Manhole cover. For those of you who do have power in Memphis let me explain what makes manhole covers explode in the summer.

New York is famous for putting everything underground; subway, electric, gas, fiber optics, dead bodies and sewer. As you can imagine with the street vibration both above and if you are lucky to live under the 4-5-6 line below will jostle things loose. Add rats chewing on electric lines, the salt and brine from the winter snow storms and you have some exposed power lines. Now that it is getting warmer in the city people are starting to use Gold Bond air conditioning more and the power demand is starting to spike and those cables below ground are starting to get warm. If you are one of those lucky tourists whom have ever gathered at the Times Square subway station you may have gotten a whiff of that wonderful NYC aroma. EDITORS NOTE – It is always funny to listen to tourists try to describe the smell they encounter at a subway station. Nobody has the heart to tell them that it is probably urine or poop.

So you have a brine soaked, overworked and frayed electric line below ground, you also have all kinds of gasses that are accumulating below ground and then there is a spark of electricity and BOOM! Thankfully the infrastructure below ground is pretty solid so at some point there has to be a relief valve or escape for this explosion. Hey is that a 90 pound manhole cover? Lets see how high we can blow that fucker into the air!! From what I understand there are some warning signs that New Yorker’s pay attention to. One is a manhole cover that is unusually warm or ‘hissing’. Yeah you want to stay the hell away from that joker, she can blow at anytime. Next is the manhole cover who is smoking like it spent Sunday at the Cigar Inn. You want to avoid that one at all cost because as they say, where there is smoke there is fire.

So last week I was heading over to pick up my dry cleaning and I notice one of those evil Bilco doors that was “catawampus” so I naturally took a picture of it and posted it on Instagram. As I head home I see the Engine 39 and Ladder 16 FDNY boys at the corner of 72nd and 1st Ave. I ask Pete what is up and he tells me that a Manhole cover exploded when an SUV was driving over it.  Naturally my first question was that everyone was ok and then asked if a pair of shorts was needed because the driver soiled his shorts.

IMG_1004That shiny building on the right. Yep that is Casa de Carbunkle! I texted Mr. 3 first names and the Asian Fireman to see if they were nearby. The answer was negative but as one of them told me “you should see when a manhole cover blows 30 feet in the air”

exploding-manhole-boomThis scares me that they actually have a graphic for this.

IMG_0972Con Ed Guys cutting out all the burned wire from the wiring harness. Smells like crap too!

IMG_0971No we are not electing a new pope this is to relieve the heat and pressure below

Taxi-Manhole-Explosion-NYCIt is all fun and games till a manhole cover blows and takes out a yellow cab.

 

Hope you have a good Monday and for those of you still without power at your home hang in there. I guess my readers who say that Memphis “should bury all their power lines” now may be rethinking that comments.