CBT you are so full of Shit

Memphis and MiniBar

So Memphis got Minibar Booze Delivery Service, if I may please issue a word of caution to my 10 readers from the Bluff City.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not a professional on delivery services. I still drop off and fetch my dry cleaning. I still do my own washing of clothes in the communal washing room (stop yelling LZ). I still go down to the corner produce stand and pick out my tomatoes but the rest…I let ‘my guy’ handle the heavy lifting. Here are the top 10 rules for Booze and Food Delivery in my humble opinion;

  1. If you are ordering for a booze/beer delivery to a pool party you may want to re-think this. Fireball, the comment “Hey Y’all watch this” and deep water don’t always mix.
  2. Uber Eats is a great service but do you really need someone to bring you 30 dollars of Taco Bell?
  3. If you only order a 6 pack of Bud Light and a slim Jim then we can’t be friends. No seriously, get the fuck off this page. We are done.
  4. Yes the prices are going to be higher than what Josh at Busters or Dan at Arthurs can offer you but you have someone bringing your hooch to your front door. Get your lazy ass up if you are just going to bitch about it. We (not so much me but the knuckle heads at the Cigar Inn) order high end bottles of scotch and bourbon all the time while we are enjoying a cigar. The rule is simple – If you have to ask the price then you can’t afford it.
  5. Tip the Dude and if he knows your house number by your order then you may have a problem.
  6. Seriously if you have your booze/food delivery guy’s cell number programed in your phone you may want to get out a little bit more and stretch your legs.
  7. Don’t bitch if it is raining or there is an event downtown (for my downtown readers) and dude is late. Don’t be that guy.
  8. For you females/soccer moms – If you have more than 2 Rose deliveries to a ‘house party’ in one day then you may want to get a case.
  9. Same goes for Sangria and Chips & Salsa.
  10. Enjoy your newest additional service in your quest to never leave the house. But it wouldn’t hurt to get out every once in a while and get some exercise or off the couch.

And no I am not looking at you Grainbin Girl, Theo’s Momma or even you Bender. Well yes I am going to judge you RAB if you can’t stumble down the alley to get your brown water.

#CarbunkleCares

Q – What Does 2 years ago CBT and “The Mooch” have in common?

Editors Note – Yes, I am delving into the political genre. You know that it violates my code of discussing the Taboo 5 topics (Religion, Politics, Current Events, Gun Control, & Birth Control) but this is too good not to pass up. 

The answer you ask? 2 years ago Carbunkle Trumpet was without a job much like The Mooch but hell, At least the Mooch has a car to drive around town! I know cheap shot but hey you have to laugh to keep from crying. One of the things that I actually enjoy on Facebook is the tab “On this day” as I like to look back on stuff that I either posted or people posted on my page. Two years ago yesterday I was reminded that I left my position at HW/AMF and promptly after leaving Tully Street I turned in my Jeep so not only was I jobless I didn’t’ even have a damn car to drive. Talk about taking a plunge!

I plan on posting later this week a look back being that this Saturday will mark 2 years of living here in Gotham. This time 2 years ago I think that I was trying to hide my fears of walking close to the edge by having one last “Board Meeting” with RJ, Mal-O-Rie, Lisa Marie, Double Birds, KS, and some others. Again I want to thank Ernie Mellor the owner and head Pitmaster and his wife Lynn for the opportunity to work with a bunch of great people at Hog Wild/A Moveable Fest Catering Company. That is a class organization and I am a better person for working with such an eclectic staff. Love you guys!

Back to Normal Banter – This past weekend we celebrated the start of Restaurant Week/Month. We had dinner at Boulud Sud with the Murphranks and enjoyed many drinks afterwards at our Per Se drinking establishment. Dinner was killer on Friday night so Saturday we kept pretty quiet and hung out at the house considering it was overcast and dreary. Sunday we met up with the old Neighbor and her husband and ended up having dinner at Hearth with Maria and Bad Back Bill. 

Mrs. Trumpet got to mark down that she saw another celebrity. Walking back from drinks with the Neighbor and Husband we strolled down Madison Avenue and saw Rod Stewart having lunch with his wife Penny Lancaster on the street at Nello. We walked by and I had to point him out to Mrs. Trumpet but she now can say she has seen Al Roker, Larry David and now Rod Stewart. Not too shabby on a Sunday if you ask me.

IMG_1390What am I? I am a Christmas Tree because I am lit! Well not so much lit but tired from 2 days of seeing bands at CitiField.

IMG_1384You know me, I don’t like to take pictures of plated food. I think that JAM Foodie was snapping pics of plates so go peruse her Instagram account.

rod_stewart_2015Didn’t want to be “That Guy” and take a pic of Rod having lunch because that is tacky. That and the big ass bodyguard who was standing right by the table made us think twice.

IMG_1385Anybody need any Hay for a Wedding Prop? There was some on E86th Street.

Have a good day and try to stay cool!

 

If it is on the Internet then it must be true

I have had a couple of my readers call me out and say I was full of shit regarding the Cross Dressing Jogger from my SWINGING POST earlier this week. First of all, I am not full of shit (stop laughing), I am always sincere (I said stop laughing) when I post things on the worthless dribble of a blog. (I will wait for you to go clean up your screen on your monitor or tablet b/c you blew coffee all over the screen.) Yesterday when Mrs. Trumpet and I were returning from having a drink going to church I asked Bobby the Doorman if the cross dressing jogger had been by yet. He said no but it was very close in the hour for him to jog by in his boudoir attire and running shoes. And you wonder why the doormen in our building love it when I come walking up, you don’t know what you are going to get.

We were speaking with one of the other doormen (Bobby’s English is so-so) and Freddy was telling us the cross dressing jogger’s story. “Elegant” Elliot Offen was a regular on the Howard Stern show till he got banned from the Sirius building in 2006 for punching a hole in the wall. He lives up in the Upper East Side and prefers to jog in attire that is traditionally not associated with road races. He has been known to be somewhat abrasive and has yelled at people while jogging. This sadly has also led to a couple of altercations with people and naturally the media calls it a hate crime. Freddy also told me that he speaks to Elliot from time to time and he is a stand up guy. Granted Freddy and I do admit that that Elliot’s outfit are on the racy for a reason. Hey everybody has got to work out don’t they?

IMG_1350You go Elegant Elliot! You go on with your bad self in your red satin nightie, green gloves, black elbow sleeves and eye black. Its a jungle out there on the streets of the Upper East Side.

Now before anyone starts dialing me up saying that I am casting aspersions on cross dressing or anything like that let me stop you right now. I love that I live in a city that if you want to put on an outfit like Elliot and it doesn’t break any laws or civil codes then by all means have at it. As long as he or anyone for that matter goes about their day and isn’t vulgar or offensive to young children then go get you some. Personally I have to give Elegant Elliot props;

  1. He is jogging in the worst part of the day when there are all kinds of heat advisories going on.
  2. The long hair in this humidity, I would be wearing that shit in a pony tail if I were in his Nikes.
  3. His choice of clothing may be considered strange but I bet he will be singing a different tune if he is wearing the associated crotch-less undergarments with that red teddy. Talk about some swamp ass!

I hope you have a good day and have a good weekend.

You mean Pink Flamingo’s signal what?

I admit it openly, I am pretty naïve when it comes to a lot of stuff. Moving up here we have seen things that you quickly learn goes unfazed to a lot of New Yorkers. Case in point the cross dressing jogger of First Avenue. At first, it raised an eyebrow when Mrs. Trumpet and I were heading to our local drinking establishment. Now we worry if we don’t see her jogging in their slinky black dress and running shoes each day. You think that I am bullshitting you? Google First Avenue Cross Dressing Jogger! But don’t do it on your work computer. We need you still employed on Thursday.

A couple of weeks back some of our friends were vacationing in the Redneck Riviera well before our arrival. They posted a picture of some pink flamingos that they put into the sand to mark their beach chairs. Naturally since we had a large group heading with us, I visited Amazon and purchased a set (alcohol may or may not have been involved) for our trip. I posted the picture on Instagram and sent a pic on the group thread that a couple of us were on. Then it happened;

“All Signs Point to Yes” shot me a text on the group thread that his daughter informed them that a pink flamingo was the tale tail sign of swingers and we should watch out. Naturally I called crap and decided to GTS that to confirm. I mean Google is the official Non Fake News outlook of 47 year old men who have been married for 20 years. Sure enough there it was in black and white on my iFoam. “You may be a swinger if you have Flamingos in your front yard, white rocks around your mailbox, a black band on your right hand and some other things.” I passed it off and we kept on putting up the lawn art each morning so that our niece and nephews could find our beach chairs and we didn’t have any incidents. Sorry to disappoint our readers but we didn’t get propositioned but we did get some strange looks. You ever seen a beached whale under a beach umbrella chain smoking cigars? You get my drift.

IMG_1309I mean does this look like the face of a Swinger? Hell I just got enough money to afford those extra chins.

IMG_1277Can’t believe that someone put a Bud Light by our beach chair. The nerve of people!

IMG_1293Day 2 and from my vantage point under the umbrella all was good.

flamingoI promise that a bead of sweat rolled down my face when I started typing in “Are Flamingo’s the sign of a swinger?”

gnomeBut you know what also showed up as the sign of a swinger? Garden Gnomes! Be careful you swingers in Memphis. Exposure to RJ may result in pregnancy. AS – now feel free to judge me!

Keep it light folks and I hope you enjoyed the laugh!

Pictures of the Week

Had some fun over the past weekend. Here are some that were on my iFoam.

IMG_1219One will ever know if these bike locks will be claimed

IMG_1218I mean those are two sexy words – Bar and Bacon! RAB this is in Hells Kitchen on 9th Avenue

IMG_1217Twas a Brave Man who first ate the First Oyster!

IMG_1216Was it Grey Shirt Day for Sunday Funday? I think so.

IMG_1215Yes J-bob Niketown is still here

IMG_1171I am going to shit in your shoes so hard – Monkey Head Maya

IMG_1160Snuck down to my Boys on Bleaker Street on Wednesday

As seen at the Cigar Joint on 2nd Ave

Have a good weekend.

 

 

Pictures of the Week – New York Edition

I have way too many good pictures on my iFoam not to share with the class.

IMG_1022Wait till I buy everyone on the NY East team their very own Seersucker suit. Yep even you MLP & work wife.

IMG_1026I understand this is one of the most Instagram’d exhibits next to the “fearless girl” in Lower Manhattan

IMG_0961We broke down and bought a car. We can put it in the closet of apartment when we aren’t using it.

IMG_0957Cubs win the world series last year and now the Yankees are atop the division. Albeit it is the American League but still they are rolling along.

IMG_1015Shout out to my Work Wife, LZ, MLP, UWS Girl, and any anyone else who drinks that crap blush wine. #CarbunkleCares

IMG_0976Got to love the views from the buildings near Central Park

IMG_1005Yeah try to explain this one to me please.

IMG_0996A street fair right outside our apartment door! How Cool is that!

IMG_0981Katie and Bean moved from next door to Brooklyn. Bean (springer spaniel) would come over to get a treat from us and to terrorize Maddy and Maya. They left this for us. They were good people and we will miss them. 

IMG_1032Werk is hard

IMG_1006Wee Fiona made the shopping list for Daddy. Sad thing about it is I bet 10 people on the river during BBQfest wouldn’t have caught it. 

Have a good weekend!

 

Happy Anniversary of Circling the Sun 50 times Weed

Editor’s note – I am fairly disciplined about divulging people’s names on this worthless dribble of a blog. If they didn’t have a nickname already I normally gave them one that doesn’t really incriminate them. That being said, the person named “Weed” is a real nickname but I promise that her name has nothing to do with Colorado’s State Flower/Plant and it would take too long to explain how she got it. 

So 2 weeks ago I headed to Memphis for some work, some play and to celebrate Weed’s surprise 50th birthday. I have to give D credit, she orchestrated this thing like a mad scientist. When the guest list got above 30 even I was wondering if the surprise could be kept quiet but she pulled it off.

Friday night we all arranged to meet up the Flying Saucer and as the Mo-Ho’s trickled in it was waterworks on each and every arrival. Many 40’s were drunk that night on 3rd Avenue and I ‘think’ I rolled into bed around 3ish. Saturday we all headed up to Midtown for brunch, beers and the surprise. Bless OTB (Old Tired & Bitter) and Ziggy for hosting, it went off without a hitch. Afterwards things went ugly as we headed to Beale for the stalking of Barbara Blue and Gnome attacking.

Happy Birthday Weed, we have known you the longest and we love ya. Even if you were “a couple grades behind us.”

IMG_0884That poor boy spent a little too long down at the BBQ Fest. (not anyone we know)

IMG_0886The birthday girl and D aka the Mad Scientist of Planning (venue not disclosed)

IMG_0903This is when you could say that “it went off the rails”

IMG_0895Play that Funky Music White Girl aka Baby Fine Hair!

IMG_0905My Missouri Legal Counsel

IMG_0907We miss ya Raiford!

IMG_0911Snot did come out of my nose when I saw some of these pics. Oh and A-Cups, yes I am going to forever be haunted by the image of grandma’s hoo-hoo.

IMG_0914The Unofficial Queen of Beale Street – Ms. Barbara Blue

IMG_0916A view over Nate’s shoulder

IMG_0919Here is where it went off the rails on Saturday night!

IMG_0922If never hear Lucinda William’s “Drunken Angel” ever again I am probably good with that!

IMG_0928Sunset over Monroe Avenue as I was heading into Bardog.

 

Happy Birthday Weed! It was great to see everyone and play with the MoHo’s too!

 

Memphians – Be careful what you wish for! #carbunkletrumpetcares

This post is for all of you who would bitch on Social Media about how Memphis should bury their electric lines underground rather than put on telephone poles. Shout out to a couple of you who asked if I was really dead because I hadn’t penned anything in a while. Ironic that my first post back from my 2 week hiatus is about something that could make me ‘join the choir invisible.”  Do you recall when I talked about the FIVE THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN NYC well I seemed to have forgotten about one. What in the hell am I talking about here you wonder…….the ole NYC exploding Manhole cover. For those of you who do have power in Memphis let me explain what makes manhole covers explode in the summer.

New York is famous for putting everything underground; subway, electric, gas, fiber optics, dead bodies and sewer. As you can imagine with the street vibration both above and if you are lucky to live under the 4-5-6 line below will jostle things loose. Add rats chewing on electric lines, the salt and brine from the winter snow storms and you have some exposed power lines. Now that it is getting warmer in the city people are starting to use Gold Bond air conditioning more and the power demand is starting to spike and those cables below ground are starting to get warm. If you are one of those lucky tourists whom have ever gathered at the Times Square subway station you may have gotten a whiff of that wonderful NYC aroma. EDITORS NOTE – It is always funny to listen to tourists try to describe the smell they encounter at a subway station. Nobody has the heart to tell them that it is probably urine or poop.

So you have a brine soaked, overworked and frayed electric line below ground, you also have all kinds of gasses that are accumulating below ground and then there is a spark of electricity and BOOM! Thankfully the infrastructure below ground is pretty solid so at some point there has to be a relief valve or escape for this explosion. Hey is that a 90 pound manhole cover? Lets see how high we can blow that fucker into the air!! From what I understand there are some warning signs that New Yorker’s pay attention to. One is a manhole cover that is unusually warm or ‘hissing’. Yeah you want to stay the hell away from that joker, she can blow at anytime. Next is the manhole cover who is smoking like it spent Sunday at the Cigar Inn. You want to avoid that one at all cost because as they say, where there is smoke there is fire.

So last week I was heading over to pick up my dry cleaning and I notice one of those evil Bilco doors that was “catawampus” so I naturally took a picture of it and posted it on Instagram. As I head home I see the Engine 39 and Ladder 16 FDNY boys at the corner of 72nd and 1st Ave. I ask Pete what is up and he tells me that a Manhole cover exploded when an SUV was driving over it.  Naturally my first question was that everyone was ok and then asked if a pair of shorts was needed because the driver soiled his shorts.

IMG_1004That shiny building on the right. Yep that is Casa de Carbunkle! I texted Mr. 3 first names and the Asian Fireman to see if they were nearby. The answer was negative but as one of them told me “you should see when a manhole cover blows 30 feet in the air”

exploding-manhole-boomThis scares me that they actually have a graphic for this.

IMG_0972Con Ed Guys cutting out all the burned wire from the wiring harness. Smells like crap too!

IMG_0971No we are not electing a new pope this is to relieve the heat and pressure below

Taxi-Manhole-Explosion-NYCIt is all fun and games till a manhole cover blows and takes out a yellow cab.

 

Hope you have a good Monday and for those of you still without power at your home hang in there. I guess my readers who say that Memphis “should bury all their power lines” now may be rethinking that comments.

 

 

Stuff we ‘used’ to think was odd -19 months living here

Yesterday marked 1 year and 7 months living here on this island called Manhattan. We celebrated it by having our favorite Russian from the UES over for Brunch and then Momma studied for her midterm this week. The time really has flown by and I would say that we are slowly becoming New Yorkers. No, my accent is still in tact and people still ask what part of Texas I am from. Mrs. Trumpet on the other hand threw out a “Are you Fucking Kidding me?” to me when I drank all of her Tea before I left for the Cigar Inn. As we look back on these 19 months I guess some things that we at first seem foreign are staring to seem normal. Now for those Memphians who have never visited up here you may have that ‘hamster wheel is spinning but nobody is home’ look as you read this list.

  1. Stoops – Forget about sitting on the front porch like you do in the south, here you are lucky if you have an outdoor space. Remember when I was jealous as crap of the Murphrank’s Roof Deck? Well sadly unless you plunk down 10+M for a UES brownstone that you still will have to renovate you have a stoop instead. Oh and forget about being protected from the rain like the porch at 595. Here you get your ass wet.
  2. Kids Playing outside – If it isn’t raining or sleeting in the winter you will always find kids playing in neighborhood playgrounds or even on city streets. I remember when I was younger and if it was below a certain temperature then Recess was held inside, not here. You will see kids playing their hearts out with rosy cheeks and frozen snot on their faces. Hey you got to tire those fuckers out because it won’t work in a less than 1K square foot apartment.
  3. Comfortable Shoes – Forget those leather soled Johnston & Murphy’s lace ups. Get you a pair of good rubber soled shoes and prepare to rotate them out. I walk roughly 10K to 15K steps a day for work. I have 3 pair of black shoes that I have in my rotation and a pair of brown for some suits that I wear. My international counterpart ‘wife’ normally is rocking a pair of flats or some pair of low heel shoes as we make our way about the city. Anything higher than 3 inches and you are crazy. *EGP – when you come for Easter, leave those 9 inch F-Me Pumps at college. Don’t worry you will turn heads w/o wearing those barbaric things.
  4. Shoe Repair Store – You got to have a great Shoe Shine/Repair “guy” in New York! I think that there may be 2 repair guys in Memphis and that was when Mr.Galtelli still had his shop on Union. Shoe shine guys in Memphis? Only one I knew about was in the lobby of the Peabody. In Gotham they are all over the place and you have to have a good one. Case in point this past Saturday. Momma’s boots were looking like crap and she needed them to get cleaned up and poste haste. I go see my buddy on 2nd Ave at Artistic Shoe Services and ‘David’ (he is Pakistani so it is easier for him to introduce himself as David) gets them shined, repaired and back to me in 2 hours. I see David each week on my way home from work on Friday’s to get my shoes cleaned up. You got to look good when you are walking the streets.
  5. Random Ish on the side of the Street – Pretty much you can furnish a house with the crap that you find on the streets of New York. Someone moves out of an apartment chances are you will find some of their furniture on the street. Let me tell you, people will fight over the good stuff. I saw a couch get dumped on W23rd street and before I could finish the Instagram post it was already nabbed.
  6. Coffee is King – Before I moved to New York I only drank coffee if it has booze it. You do some crazy hours here and need a pick me up. At first it was a diet coke or Red Bull but that really wasn’t good for me. Then I started having a double espresso after a meal. Now I am hooked on that ish! I love it Hard, Strong and Black – and that is just how I take my coffee! Maria gave me an espresso pot for my birthday and that sucker is in use all the time. Who would have thought that CBT is now a fan of the Java.
  7. How Deep Are We Going Here? – Go ahead and say it – That’s What She Said…… No I am not going there, I am referring to the depth of some of the Subway platforms. Our new Q line is pretty deep. I think at E72nd station it is 11 stories below the surface. Getting down there can be a challenge for those who don’t like heights. Mrs. Trumpet hates the escalator so we always are using the elevators which are nicer than some buildings. Just close your eyes and enjoy the ride and try not to think that there is rushing water coming down the tube instead of a train.
  8. Do you Deliver – If you think that I am going to schlep a case of wine sparkling water down the street you are crazy as hell. Yep, thank God for Fresh Direct Grocery service and Astor’s Wine and Spirits. It is a lifesaver!
  9. Wind-chill sucks – 20 degrees as a high in Manhattan? If there is no wind then it is cold but manageable. But you add the wind and then it pretty much sucks balls. Recall when I survived that Noreaster? I sure as hell do. Put it this way, when the wind starts blowing down those streets thanks to the tall ass buildings…you get the picture.
  10. Not having a car really doesn’t bug us – Nope, we don’t miss driving and messing with a car at all. Crazy huh?

stoopsSure Sarah Jessica Parker hung out on her stoop but she also drank for free b/c she put out.

img_0450Yep here in the UES we block streets so the kids can play outside. First base is the Volvo and 3rd base is the Bentley.

img_0460When they are balder than Telly Savalas then it is time to throw them out!

shoe-shineHey Guys, anybody see that naked girl run down the street? Guess not! And you don’t fool us, we know you are looking at Carbunkle’s Corny Joke of the Day on Facebook.

img_0457It did have a ‘slight’ odor from 5 feet away.

cooffeeI may have a problem with my Java intake.

img_0451Pay no attention to the Jason D. Williams portrait above the escalator down to hell!

fresh-direct-billDo you really think I am going to schlep 2 cases of drinks down the street? Yeah me too!

img_0458When you get this text message you know that it is going to be a bitch outside.

Hope that you had a good weekend and enjoyed reading. We return you to your regularly scheduled show.

 

Not much into words this week

I have been busy with all kinds of stuff going on. Here are some pictures that I have had in my iFoam.

img_0175S/O to my favorite AZ Barrister and St. Jude Mad Scientist! I told them that I knew you but they didn’t let me inside to pee.

img_0177Momma has been craving Taco Bell late night. I found this one way way up in the Upper East Side/Harlem.

img_0180Note to those who dine at the fancy joints in the Time Warner Building on Columbus Circle. This joint has ice cold Bud Lights that are cheaper than the meal that you just spent on.

img_0190I never really paid much attention to this multi use building on 3rd and 71st street before. They have been doing a ton of remodeling to it. Looks pretty cool at night.

img_0191This is what happens when you have an OCD person who lives in 535 Square Feet. Now all of our book bags have a home.

img_0204They always say that you should never venture onto the tracks to get lost items. Some poor bastard lost his iFoam.

img_0205Marley Spoon’s Version of Cabbage Soup with Pork. This was good. I added enough hot sauce to it to make my head sweat and my butt burn the next day.

img_0202Why are you bringing down the suitcases? Who has us this weekend? Is it Caroline’s boyfriend? Tater Chip Chelle? Carla or Alyssa? Damnit Man!

I am going to be home this weekend so I will have some stuff to work on.