CBT you are so full of Shit

Bar 595 and Having Fun With Telemarketers

You probably have heard of Bar 595 if you live in Memphis. You probably have drank a beer out of one of the Coozies. You probably have seen a Bald Guy from England post pictures of the coozie all over the world. Still don’t know what I am talking about? Do a search for Bar 595 on Facebook and you can figure it out. 

It is rare that my personal foam rings. Normally when it does it is either a doctors office confirming my upcoming appointment or a telemarketer. Since I keep the 901 area code phone it is pretty easy to tell who is a real call or who is a telemarketer. I have to give them credit, they mask the number to make it look like it was my number missing a digit or something like that. 

So the other day when the phone rang I answered with my traditional “Go for Carbunkle Trumpet” and the caller was asking for the owner of Bar 595. For whatever reason I decided I would play along instead of saying that I was busy and to remove my number from your fucking list. I said that I was but I was kinda busy and to hurry it up. They were telling me about their credit card solutions and if we were interested in changing vendors.  I said I was all for it and have a rep come by tomorrow after my lunch rush. 

I bet that the staff at HW/AMF miss me and my mad Telemarketer messing with Skills
I got him back from when he gave me a shout out on the airplane to Vegas, to Belize and last years return trip to Memphis at Christmas. “They are going to be more lit than the Christmas Tree!”

English Mike I may give them your number next time. 

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When You Get That Feeling That Your Wife Is Going To Japan Too Much For Work

She is asleep right now so when she does see this post I have a feeling that she will probably punch me in the Dick or Throat. Happy Sunday Folks! 

The Little Bastid and The 25# Turkey in the Mirowave

Those of you who know that Mary Louise and I have a child always love to hear stories of his antics. The Little Bastid was up to no good the other day while he is in reform school upstate. Those of you who also have kids have probably been pranked by your children with the “How to cook a 25# Turkey in the Microwave” prank that is going around. The little bastid (he isn’t that smart) tried to get me….or was it the other way around. 


Happy Thanksgiving Week! 

LVD This One is For You – “THAT IS A HARD NO, SIR.”

Last week while I was at work I met up with my brother from another mother, S(Squared) to go over some work stuff. To my fellow Times Square Double Decker Tour Bus Ticket Sales Reps that is not code for bar. We were actually in a FDX Office so LAY TF OFF! Walking to our next destination (now it was bar time) we encountered a fellow heading south on Ave of Americas.  S(Squared) and I noticed that ‘skillet’ was wearing a rather tight pair of pants with his suit jacket. When I say tight, well let us just say that the Mother Fucker was wearing Jeggings and a suit jacket.

Trust me that there was a conversation being held about skillet by S(Squared) and I while we walked down the street. Let me put it this way, if anyone ever came to S(Squared)’s door trying to court one of his daughters while wearing that get up…..that shit that isn’t going to happen.

Fast forward to yesterday. I am on the packed 4 Train and I see a tweet by LVD about fashion. I always have considered LVD a fashionista and accidentally included her on numerous texts when I would text Z(Squared). I inquired to LVD about ‘skillet’s’ attire from last week and in her words….”Hard No”.

The Point of this worthless dribble – It keeps me grounded that I get confirmation from both a Staten Island & Bluff City Resident when some jackleg plays the game of “let’s see if I can get away with this crap today”!

IMG_4460This is the exact picture of said “Skillet” and his get-up while walking on 6th Ave. Big Spoon – I bet you wear this every day don’t you?

IMG_4508The first tweet exchange

IMG_4509Oh good I am not going crazy and still have normal fashion morals.

 

What can I say. It was a slow week last week and I am trying to keep up. Have a good Thursday folks!

 

 

 

 

Where do you come up with these names?

Sorry for the delay in posting. I was busy last week because we had a long weekend to the Midwest for a wedding and I am getting back into the swing of things. Oh that and Mary Louise is +13 hours ahead of me in Japan so I am running this household all by myself. What pisses me off is that Mary Louise won’t tell me the Final Jeopardy answers since she is a day ahead of me. I hate to tell RJ but I think that she has found a new Sushi Buddy.

While we were in the Midwest this past weekend I had a couple of my readers of this worthless dribble ask me; “Where do you come up with the names of the people you interact with?” Naturally I “change the names to protect the innocent or non-sober” but some of the Mo-Ho’s were asking me how I created their names. Let me give you some insight into some of the players you read on this worthless dribble;

  • Mary Louis/Mrs. Trumpet – Thanks To Vivian Longstreet, she penned this because it is her soap opera name. She is also a perfume designer.
  • Maria – She keeps her name because she is my trusted consigliere and quite frankly she knows where all the bodies are buried. Seriously, has anyone seen Trucker Jim or Box of Rocks lately? I rest my case.
  • The Work Wife, The International One – Well she is a work friend and that is what she does
  • The Work Wife, The Domestic One – Currently Vacant
  • The Work Wife, The Managing One – See “Work Wife, The Domestic One” because she got a promotion.
  • The Asian Fireman – Well his last name is Lee so you do the math here.
  • Mr. 3 First Names – What can I say, this Staten Island resident has 3 first names in his first and last names.
  • Lady Barrister/Landlord – It is what she does and she is the landlord to Mr 3 first names
  • Z Squared – Couples name for 2 people whose last names start with Z (this isn’t rocket science folks)
  • UWS Holly – Someone names Holly who may live in the Upper West Side?
  • Baby Fine Hair (Haven’t spoken about her lately) but this person uses a shampoo that is specifically for people with Baby Fine hair. Hey it is better than me calling her “Person with a Mongoloid Foot Tattoo”!

Now this past weekend at this wedding we attended a new nickname was created. No it wasn’t from my (So in need of therapy) brain. It was from her own Flesh and Blood…..

With that, and I will do a proper blog post on the wedding and weekend. Congrats to Baby Fine Hair and Kristina on their wedding this past weekend!!!!

IMG_4270Hey don’t blame me Kiki (what I used to call Kristina before this weekend) blame your brother! Congrats and we were so happy to share with you your special day!

For those of you who weren’t in St. Louis the Celebrant (the bride on the left’s brother) when announcing the names of the newly married instead of saying K—n inserted his own wife’s name, Kristina, by mistake. Me I am going to roll with it!

Pictures of the Week

Well we made it to Friday guys! The schools are out for the summer up here so it is officially summer in the North East. This weekend we are excited in the fact that we really don’t have much planned other than a show on Saturday night/Early Sunday morning. Mary Louise told me that she wants to sleep in tomorrow as her ass has been getting up early heading to Penn to catch early trains into New Jersey.

Anyway here are some pictures from the past weeks;

IMG_3495Such a mean woman. Looking out for my best interest so I don’t get my ass fired.

IMG_3480Since we have grills on the 3rd floor I took advantage of them. Honey Ginger Teriyaki marinated Pork Tenderloin that Ernie Mellor of A Moveable Feast/Hog Wild Catering makes.

IMG_3481Hog Wild’s BBQ Shrimp on the grill (they ask that we cook on the foil) very strange if you ask me.

IMG_0428What in the Actual Fuck? Anyone who wears shorts with a suit aka Eddie Munster should have their throat punched. Do you hear me?

IMG_3419Coming up on the 3 year anniversary of us living up here.

IMG_3421When in Times Square

IMG_3423Someone buy my mothers house won’t you? We are jumping the gun and putting her in the Retirement Home with an open Bar. (I am kidding, she is moving near my sister in East Memphis)

IMG_3498A Midtown Uniform Sighting. It was in the mid 80’s that day but douche nozzle felt the need to wear a vest to keep him warm.

IMG_3501I still don’t understand the Pickleback thing

IMG_3500Took her 4 years to finally understand that when I tell her something alcohol related just accept it and don’t ask questions.

IMG_3499If it was only in my size…

Have a good weekend

 

Do we live in Downtown Brooklyn or Boerum Hill? Another Seinfeld Episode Comes To Life

If I have said it once, I have said it a dozen times. Until you move to New York you don’t really appreciate the subtleness of Seinfeld episodes. I realize this post may go over the heads of some of my Memphis readers but here is a good analogy for you. How many times do you get defensive when the media says that there was a shooting in Downtown Memphis when it was actually in North or South Memphis?

Remember the Seinfeld “The Pothole” episode when Elaine was trying to order a specific Chinese dish but was outside of the delivery zone? Even though she was on the other side of the street they still wouldn’t deliver it. Welcome to our life folks. When we were moving in our new dog walker came up to us and was doing her best sell job. When she was walking off she said “You will love living in Boerum Hill it is so different than living anywhere else.” I didn’t really give it much thought but later I started thinking; “I thought we lived in Downtown Brooklyn.” I asked Maria about it and she said that the other side of the street is considered the Boerum Hill neighborhood.

When we lived in the Upper East Side we had a similar situation because how you looked at it we could have lived in the; Upper East Side, Lenox Hill Neighborhood, or even  Yorkville. Not that it is a big deal but I have had to explain a couple of times where we live to native New Yorkers as they can’t identify the area. Normally when I say that we aren’t too far from Juniors Cheesecake they know exactly where we live.

The past week we have done some walking around Downtown Brooklyn and it is all good. We have the Fulton Street Mall (think Main Street Mall in Downtown Memphis) where we can get us a late night Papaya Dog and also shop for a new wig. We have the DeKalb (You don’t pronounce it like the owner of The Vault) Food Court and Mall where we can visit Target, Century 21, Trader Joes and have all kinds of food choices. And let’s don’t forget Smith Street where it is a cross between Overton Square with a Cooper Young Neighborhood feel and Brownstones. Oh did I mention that we have Liquor Store in our building, a stones throw from a Fresh Market and are one subway stop from killer bagels.

More on this later.

where we liveSo the Red Shaded Area is Boerum Hill and the Crude X is our building. Oh and for those wondering Cobble Hill is where the Gnome Lover lives. Wait till he gets back from BBQ Fest and then we start doing some drinking.

IMG_3151Look for the Birdsnest atop the tall ass building and that is our building.

IMG_3157Kind of refreshing to know that there isn’t a CVS or Duane Reade on every corner here. Shop Local!

IMG_3128Not Photo shopped folks, I took this last weekend on my way to….wait for it….a bar!

IMG_3108LVD when should we anticipate your arrival? Oh by the way Lauren 2.0 is heading your way this weekend for WCBCC.

IMG_3159Cannonball!

IMG_3158Smith Street on my way to get a bagel

IMG_310937:03 – that is the time it takes me to get from the UES (more specifically The Cigar Inn) to our new joint. Sadly cigar smoking parlors is frowned upon in Brooklyn. They don’t have any joints like they do in Manhattan.

IMG_3130First Sunday Funday we went to this establishment thanks to Mr. 3 First Names

IMG_3129I have to stay close to my Budlight roots, I do enjoy a good craft beer but when you are going to drink a ton of something it helps having something familiar.

I have about 3 blog entries just about dive bars still in the que.

 

Spring Like Weather and Then Hurricane Tucker

Hope you guys had a fun weekend. I am sure that there a some of you in Memphis who didn’t heed my warning on Twitter and blew it out hard at Rajun Cajun yesterday. Here is to hoping that your hands aren’t shaking too bad as you read this. Finally the weather broke on Friday and Saturday till 5PM. It actually was ‘bead of sweat’ warm on Friday as I joked with the doormen that people will probably be bitching about the heat. Saturday didn’t disappoint until the front moved in and it got chilly on our ride home from Brooklyn.

Friday I got home and we had our Midwestern friend Tucker heading in from New Jersey. She was across the Hudson for work training and decided to spend an evening with us and fly out Saturday. This was just fine with us as we knew we were in for a full fun night. Since she was rolling into town I was able to find 3 tickets to Losers Lounge Friday night as they were giving tribute to “The Last Waltz.” We met up at the apartment and then had dinner at a Geoffrey Zakarian joint in Midtown East.

If you have been paying attention you will know that I have been doing some juice cleansing and clean eating. Well that shit came to a tumbling halt on Friday as I switched over from green grass and tree bark drinks to Potato based liquid and what the hell. I got me a GZ burger and added bacon to it too! The show didn’t disappoint and the post show drinks were good (?) and before Tucker’s hair could deflate she was headed to LGA.

Saturday we went over to Downtown Brooklyn to check out apartments and had drinks with lady barrister since Mr. 3 First Names was out of town.  Walking into The Commissioner was warm and sunny and temps in the 70’s. Walking out the bottom dropped out of the bottom and it was around 50 with a good wind. Thankfully we had some jet fuel in us but that walk to the subway was brutal!

IMG_2970Sadly I never saw the movie and the second act didn’t dissapoint

IMG_2968Yep all the favorite were preforming tonight

IMG_2965But first lets take a selfie!

IMG_2980Yep he did a Van Morrison song and for those of you wondering that is the same person who sang George Micheal

national-gallery-images-7The interior of GZ’s National – Nice dinner

untitledPretty much it starts out nice here then goes downhill very soon afterwards!

IMG_2986More on this later but we went to Downtown Brooklyn on Saturday

 

Thanks for a fun weekend Tucker and hope everyone behaved this weekend. Its going to be a shitty couple of days up here weather wise.

What do you do when you circle the Sun 48 times?

You celebrate it just like you came into this world: Naked, Confused, and Hungry.

One of the positive things about Facebook is that Facebook Birthdays ARE FRIGGIN AWESOME! I have been having a love/hate with this social media platform as of late but to all those who sent me a message (even some of inappropriate ones) I appreciate you and them!

So for this birthday I decided to cash in on one of my personal days and I am really glad I did because the weather sucked balls. I started the day off by heading over to the West Side for some work shoe shopping. Following that I decided to pamper myself and got myself a “Royale Shave” from my barber Mark. I figure that I started shaving around 14ish so 34 years is about time to have someone else give you a decent shave and hold a straight razor at your neck. For those of you who are wondering what all this is, it is pretty much a facial but with a shave. Any my face feels fabulous!

When you have a 48 year old face that feels like a baby’s butt after a shave what do you do then? Why you get a cheeseburger at Finnegan’s Wake! I have heard ramblings that this Irish UES joint in addition to serving a proper pint of Guinness also has a great burger. It didn’t disappoint.

To finish out the afternoon I headed up to Adult Daycare on E73rd street where I was welcomed by some of the boys while we watched the Yankees Home Opener. I smoked a $30 dollar stick, drank a Nespresso and busted balls with the best of them.

I assure you that a Royale Shave, Burger from Finnegan’s Wake and fancy cigar and all of your shout outs was the best damn birthday I have ever had! Thank you!

Oh and I have 2 more years on the warranty until I have to start to find a General Practice doc who has the smallest hands in Manhattan! Anyone got the number of “The ASSMAN”?

MW40_40ZC_03_COLE_HAAN_BROWN_SETI got to be hip is what they told my old ass today at the shoe store. They look funny and my former boss is laughing at me right now!

best-world-wide-barber-Old-School-Barbershop-tattoo-ink-Gdynia-PolandLie back and have a hot towel on your face while you DGAF > a good day at work

5887911559_7c6b1da84b_o.0We drank here one time and for some reason it didn’t click. Granted half of the patrons are old(er) than us but they serve some good food here.

IMG_2912Disclaimer – I attempted to get a full Pastrami sandwich but I forgot that it was RAB’s holiday!

IMG_2914Cigar Inn on a cold rainy afternoon with the boys watching the Yankees Game while smoking a $30 stick and (allegedly Embargoed) cigar from a country that is 90 miles from our border KICKS THE ASS OF YOUR DAY!

IMG_2907I miss my favorite Mixologist who is older than me by 1 day. This was the greatest!

Again Thank You for all the E-Mails, Texts, Calls and Obscene videos!

Happy Easter Spud! CBT, Mrs. CBT, EGP & Cali-SAB went to Easter Service.

Some of you are expecting an off the cuff comment but let me stop you right now. We went to Catholic Mass on Easter Sunday. Let me say it again for those of you who are in disbelief….. Carbunkle Trumpet Esquire attended High Catholic Mass on Easter Sunday.

What I have failed to mention to you for those of you who are still reading and not in complete disbelief please follow along… We attended church at The Church of St. John Nepomucene down the street from where we live. Were you not raised Roman Catholic or have Brother Joel McGraw for class let me help you again. John Neopomucene was the patron of Czechoslovakia, where he is invoked against floods and against slander.

No big deal right? Well make sure you don’t slurp your morning coffee for this next paragraph. The High Mass that EGP, Cali-SAB, Mrs. Trumpet and I attended was said in the Slavic language. Yes for an hour and a half we sat in full Catholic Mass not knowing a spoken word that was being said. Put it this way, EGP leans over in my direction and mouth whispers; Whisky Tango Foxtrot!  Regardless of the fact that we didn’t know any of the responses or were too petrified we did find out that we were in the company of the Arch Bishop who led this service.

Yep we had the Big Brass for the Slovakian Mass. What did you do on Easter Sunday?

197A5221-Version-3Here is the Church on First Avenue at 66th Street. Didn’t THIS BLOG POST back when we were on our way to the bar and ran into The Pope. This happens to be the church we stood by when he rolled by.

HOLYWEEKNote the Easter Sunday, April 1st service and see the 10:15 offering…Yep Full Slovak Mass I guess we should have paid attention to that.

IMG_9072But we saw The Pope almost 2.5 years ago from this church and walked by it a million times to go see Andi, Jo and Ryan at Baker Street and never did we think to take a look at the mass times….

 

Happy Easter!