Funtimes in the City

Carbunkle Trumpet’s Friendly Suggestions for Tourists Visiting Gotham This Winter

Please note that I am trying to clean up my act because there is enough ugliness on Twitter right now. I mean would you have really clicked on this worthless dribble if the title were “You will probably get called an Asshole by a New Yorker if you do this.”  Do you recall way back to the first Holiday Season when I posted about some ladies who stopped short in Times Square? Sadly I have turned into more of a bitter New Yorker and Marathon Sunday was the tipping point. 

Marathon Sunday we were to venture up to Woodlawn in the Bronx for Wee Fi’s “Wizard of Oz” Seventh birthday. In order for us to get Metro North we have to get to Grand Central so we have to jump on a 4 Train at Nevins Station. Normally that isn’t a big deal but on this Sunday the 4 Train was packed tighter than a pair of pants at an all you can eat buffet. The train is full of Marathon Spectators who are in deep need of reading this list. Rather than have a full on Fucking-Come-Apart on a jackass who thinks that wearing a packed backpack doesn’t bother anyone else…..so I chose to come up with this list. 

Below is the short list of suggestions that I would like to extend to anyone who is thinking of visiting New York. AKA – Don’t be this Asshole or you may get yelled at.

  1. Walking on our City Streets, Subway Stairways,  and Common Area Walkways  – please remember these Two Fucking Rules; NEVER EVER stop in the middle of the above mentioned while in New York. I assure you will get run the hell over by a New Yorker who is walking at top speed. Second, and this goes without saying; LEAVE YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN YOUR POCKET! You don’t text and drive in your hometown, why do you you think you can text and walk up here? Too many people get yelled at on the streets for updating their Facebook updates. Step to the side if you have to text your cousin that you just saw someone famous. 
  2. While in cramped spaces (Subway, Elevator, walking into the Garden) take that backpack off of your back and just hold it in your hand. I promise that it may seem foreign reading this in Memphis or other parts of the US but it is a major No-No here in New York. Especially on the Subway! You will get yelled at. 
  3. While walking on our streets do us other people don’t walk side to side if you are a family of four. Want to really piss off some folks on the streets? Walk hand and hand. Oh and if you have strollers, you can only do that in Park Slope not in Manhattan during holiday season. 
  4. Asking Directions – Again this is going to seem foreign but try to know where you are going before you step out onto our streets. It isn’t so much about addresses it is the cross street and what direction is this sucker on the dividing line aka 5th Avenue. In other words know the lingo; East = East side of 5th Avenue. West = do we really have to do this? Uptown = North of 60th street. SoHo = South of Houston Street. Also Google Maps is your friend when trying to negotiate the subway. Trust me.
  5. Be a Boy Scout – aka – be ready to act. This applies to when swiping your Metro Card at the Subway Turnstile. You don’t want to be digging in your pocket while at the turnstile. Ordering a bagel at a bodega….let me tell you that you will get a Soup Nazi comment from the deli worker or a “Can you hurry the Fuck up” from someone standing on line behind you. 

 

Getting Around The City on Marathon Sunday Can Be Difficult
See The Disdain on the Face of The Woman Exiting The Subway? She is About To Break Bitch on These Picture Taking Tourists. Its a Fucking Coffee shop!
This Makes My Ass Twitch Every time I see it! I Want To Play Red Rover/Red Rover Send Carbunkle Right Over! 

Trust me when I say that It isn’t that New Yorkers are Rude, we are just in a Hurry. Hope that you had a good laugh and please don’t be “That Guy/Gal”!

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The Week in Pictures – Marathon, Fi’s Birthday Party, & Dog Abuse

I have a couple of posts that I am working on so I will probably share them with you next week. Next week Mary Louise is ‘again’ leaving my ass. What does that mean for me and the dog? Couch time and farting in my BVD’s.

IMG_4573Whomever did this is my hero. This is perfect Ina and Jeffrey.

IMG_4556Hello A.S.P.C.A. I have a compliant to file

IMG_4593Good to know that we live on Mile 8 of the Marathon. We still miss living in the UES on Marathon day. Trust me when I say it is electric

IMG_4596Thunder Alley is so great. Come off of the Ed Koch Bridge where it is quiet and cold and experience Thousands lined up on 1st Ave and its loud! So much Fun!

IMG_4600Poor Lightbulb (his nickname was already in place before he was born) done burned out at the party.

IMG_4602Fi &  C-Man watching “The Wizard of Oz”

IMG_4603Not sure if this practice was taught by The Asian Fireman or the Asian Real Estate Rep.  Anyway that was a virgin Mimosa aka straight OJ.

Supposed to be cold as balls this weekend. Time to break out the Canadian Goose Coat.

When in Red Hook Brooklyn…

Actually this isn’t a BBQ post because Hometown BBQ is located in the heart of Red Hook. Nor is this an Ikea post because Red Hook is where all of Manhattan goes to get their Swedish multi density fiberboard furniture.  Nope in Red Hook is a Fairways Grocery where one can get pretty much all that you need when formulating a grocery list. Due to space and size limitations lots of grocery stores can’t carry everything on your shopping list. Take our local Brooklyn Fare grocery store 3 blocks from our apartment. Great selection but we can’t get a lot of the ‘southern’ fare items due to space restrictions. Trust me when I say that I have been searching for dried Black Eyed Peas for weeks.

For you Non-NYC readers let me give you some comparisons. Fairways Grocery in terms of Memphis grocery stores; Remember the old Seessel’s then Schnucks Grocery Stores? Well add Charlies Meat Market Butcher and then Destin Seafood for fresh seafood. That is what Fairways Red Hook is for you Non-New York folks. Anyway after an hour visit to the grocery store I loaded up my “Old Lady” cart and decided that I needed to bring back lunch to Mary Louise and crew.

You may recall my post way back when we landed here back in August of 2015. As I walked out of Fairways I remembered Defonte’s Sandwich was here back when the Asian Fireman took us there. On that Saturday we were experiencing a wonderful Nor’Easter so I was looking forward to getting me a chicken cutlet Red Hook Sandwich. Trust me when I say that this Italian Sandwich Shop didn’t disappoint at all.

56235645640__7C6025D2-F9CD-483C-A29E-B39575373CC1Success! I got me some Black Eyed Peas. Now if I can get Glory Brand…

IMG_4558“What you need a menu? You can’t read the wall?”

IMG_4560The smells coming from this steam table can’t be described.

IMG_4562Pretty Much every cast member of the Soprano’s has eaten here and left an autograph

IMG_4563Center of the pic, yep that is the cast with Christopher in the center.

IMG_4564Reminds me of the old pictures of Ronco Pasta

Sorry I have been busy with no posts last week. I was busy.

You Really Have To Love E67th Street Btw Mad & 5th During Halloween

We have finally gotten some cooler weather up here in New York. Just like in Memphis the first couple days of cooler weather make people break out heavy coats and or sweaters. I for one, am happy that we have gotten to this time of the year. I can wear a full suit and tie without sweating to death and the subway platforms aren’t “Gold Bond” hot. It really is the best time of the year. With the cooler temps we now welcome the Bodega’s selling Mums, Apples and Pumpkins. Rockefeller Center goes into ice skating mode and the airlines being Ass raping patrons for flying to Memphis at Christmas. Delta Airlines can go suck it by the way. Also with the fall we welcome Halloween.

Recall my post a couple years back about HALLOWEEN up here? Trust me when I say that New York goes all out and then some.  This week I had to visit a customer who buys my tourist trap double decker bus tickets in the ‘Bougie’ Upper East Side. *Notice how I have turned on the UES now that I live in Brooklyn?* I was walking to their location on E67th and I come across some brownstone Halloween Art. This isn’t any normal Halloween Decoration Art Folks. To my favorite Tattooed Former Bartender who now sells games; get your cute little Halloween loving arse up here for next year, this shit is on!

On 67th Street there is a Halloween show that rivals anything that I have ever seen. Between the stationary displays and the animated ones (if you we are Insta-Friends you know what I am talking about) this is so cool and probably costs a fortune. Anyway below are the pics from East 67th between Madison and 5th Avenue. *Theo’s Momma – send your friends to the blog and they can find it then* #CBTusingTheBlogforHits

IMG_4551I just long to own the marble steps that lead to this beautiful brownstone. Probably costs north of 10M

IMG_4540This Gargoyle should sit atop an entrance but for this exercise he is street level. Wing Span is over 8 feet long btw

IMG_4541These pictures don’t do it justice. This thing is full Disney Animated!

IMG_4542That “planter” is all man made. Seriously whomever made this went all out!

IMG_4549This is where an 8 foot Grim Reaper (Not the Costa Rican One) comes out of the hearse. See the faux hood? Someone paid a lot of money for this.

IMG_4550Mr. 3 First Names – Feel Free to Fire Away on this Uber Driver

IMG_4543Next Brownstone they are doing this. *Supposed to Nor’Easter Rain this weekend. I hope it doesn’t get destroyed* They did a great job on this brownstone

IMG_4544If I were a FedEx or “Other Guy” I would give a big ole Nope

IMG_4545I can see Ron (Old Next Door Neighbor when we owned 595) being the Scarecrow here. *Val-O-Rie can you please show them this post please*

IMG_4548This really is a great display. I hope it doesn’t get destroyed this weekend when we get ASS FUCKING rain!

IMG_4546Like I said, this brownstone may not have animation but they went all out!

Please trust me when I say that these pictures don’t give these exhibits justice.

More later on Halloween!

 

 

Weekends in New York can really suck ya know?

You recall when I was whining like a little bitch talking on Monday about having MPH and I was glad it was back to work? I better give you the cliff notes because if I went went blow by blow on each night then some of you may want to have an intervention. Trust me when I say that the RJ Fun-O-Meter was pegged pretty much every night.

Friday Night was the wedding and dance recital of Z(Squared) at the Boat House in Central Park. The Asian Fireman and Realtor Wife were in attendance as well as Muphranks. The Work Wife (The Managing one) was there with her Midtown Uniform wearing husband as well as a bunch of other Time Square double decker tour bus ticket sales reps. The wedding was short, to the point and everyone said yes. The food, the never emptying glasses of wine, the band, and even dancing were a great and then when the glow sticks came out……aww shit it was on like Donkey Kong!!! Many thanks to Lady Barrister for remaining awake to navigate our safe arrival to Downtown Brooklyn. I hope that Mary Louise didn’t snore too bad. Truth be told Mr. 3 First Names and I weren’t really sleeping, we were just resting our eyes. Congrats to Z(squared) on making it legal and thanks for a great party.

Hey D(squared) at AMF/HQ on Tully Street in Crime-Free New Chicago – call me this week. I saw a really cool thing at this party that you may want to consider it for your next Thanksgiving Wedding. #RoboCares

Saturday day was spent relaxing and celebrating Mary Louie’s anniversary of circling the sun. That evening we attended the Losers Lounge rendition of Barry Manilow & Bette Midler. I learned something very important about this show. Apologies to my homosexual readers but I found out that I really don’t like the music of Barry Manilow. I mean other than Copacabana his stuff is just crap. Here is where I am going to further upset you more – any rendition of Bette Midler and the movie “Beaches” really needs to Fucking Stop also.

Sunday was spent yet again with a music theme and as luck would have it we got to hang with Vivian Longstreet and Della Forte again. We saw them Saturday night and then when we arrived at the Barclays for Phil Collins they were also in the same suite we were in. Phil Collins was great and his voice is the same and even though he was recuperating from back surgery which slowed him down a bit his 17 year old son played the Drums. Great Show and we were glad that we decided to attend the show.

IMG_4467Yep, we are in Black Tie heading to the event stuck in traffic

IMG_4469I am so glad that Mr. 3 First Names, Asian Fireman and I sat down at someone else’s table because the amount of glassware full of booze is really appalling. We all drank mineral water that night.

IMG_4473You can always tell a good night out by what you purchase the next day for lunch. Work Wife (Managing One) got World Famous Halal guys on Saturday. We opted for $50 worth of greasy Mexican Food and a nap.

IMG_4477Pregame dinner and drinks before Losers Lounge

IMG_4482Anna Copacabana singing what else? Copacabana and it was great.

Image-1Yes that was Phil singing “In the Air Tonight” after the drum solo! Boom!

IMG_4500Whole Band Killing It. If you can see a show I highly encourage you to go see him.

Like I said it really was a shitty weekend in New York. I hope that we get to do it again.

Pics of the Week

Been a fun and busy week. Here are some pics that didn’t make this weeks blog posts.

IMG_4394I had to file a complaint because I didn’t see Sophie or Bryan on this aisle.

IMG_4390Here is a view of the Empire State from the West Side

IMG_4375Get off my TV Kanye. You are embarrassing yourself.

IMG_4363Maya about half way on Saturday while walking all over Dumbo.

IMG_4357Yes D(Dog) I got you and RLynn I am getting some bread products for your sorority sisters

IMG_4356That cat was really judging me on Friday

IMG_4352I guess my David Byrne Concert shirt does resemble a Circle Jerk. Still a killer show.

IMG_4301The Murphranks’ liver did a flip when I snapped this picture. I am about 50 feet from their front door. But I was heading to smoke a cigar.

WPS and Go to HELL BAMA!

Billy Joel Again? Number 102 in the Garden

No it wasn’t us muttering that sacrilege. I am not going to call out the person who said that (while drinking many glasses of wine, I might add) but this past Sunday when we got a chance to catch “The MSG House Band” we said “YES!” Now do you recall when we caught his act back in March of 2016? I can assure that you that William Martin Joel didn’t disappoint us at all for Show number 102. Think about it, the man has played 56 consecutive sell outs and he keeps saying that he will keep doing it as long as people still keep coming to the shows. Billy plays promptly at 8PM and he played for about 3 hours and didn’t disappoint at all. I do have a great video of the crowd singing “Piano Man” if you want it let me know and I can send it to you. Mary Louise is killing the rendition by the way!

Image-1

Boss Lady/Momma was very happy that he played “Only The Good” as it is one of her favorite songs. Me I am partial to “Italian Restaurant” and “New York State of Mind”.

IMG_4379He loves playing here and isn’t afraid to bust chops either. “I burned my hand with some coffee but this is New York so here I am!”

IMG_4380The band has been with him for a while. He even brought out a Guitar Tech to sing some AC/DC. Seriously how cool is it to work for someone who says “Hey, we are going to let you sing a song in the Worlds Most Famous Arena!”

IMG_4387Thankfully Kanye didn’t come out dressed as a Perrier bottle. Billy isn’t a fan of ‘that guy’

IMG_4386And all this shit was down and tucked away in 3 hours. Not bad work if you can get it.

And for those of you wondering if I am going to have another Sunday Funday concert I am not. I will be returning from a weekend trip so there won’t be any Instagram/SnapChat concerts on Sunday. Some of you are very nice and only called me a “Mother Fucker” twice.

Maya – You want to go “outside”?

I bet if Maya could read this worthless dribble she would be saying; “Nope I am good, I am looking forward to taking a nap!” What Maya didn’t realize when we asked her if she wanted to go outside that we were going to head down to Dumbo (Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass) for the day. She already had a big day by going to the UES to get groomed and then she got to get out and stretch her little legs.

To get down to Dumbo from our home you take the 2/3 Train. I guess I can never be a Supreme Court Justice because we broke the MTA law and didn’t put her in a bag or enclosure. She was tucked in Mary Louise’s arms and was very content making the 3 subway stops to Clarke Street. Once we got out we let her walk and I have to admit that I was concerned how she was going to do with crowds and lots of feet with her 9 inches off the ground. She did pretty good. She would follow me as we walked around and would hide between our legs when we stopped to look around.

IMG_4354Wait you mean I have a choice? I can stay here or go walk 6.6 miles today? Fuck You Paul and Mary Louise!

IMG_4361But First we have to take a Selfie

IMG_4362By the Brooklyn Bridge

IMG_4365The Carousel down on the waterfront. And no I am not going to insult your intelligence by saying “This is Jane’s Carousel made by the Philadelphia Toboggan Company” You can read that shit yourself.

IMG_4367Beautiful day for a wedding. These two got married by the banks of the East River.

IMG_4368Resting having a beer and glass of wine admiring the view before heading home.

IMG_4369Here is that Pizza Place they talk about. The line was long to say the least.

IMG_4370To say that Maya was worn out is an understatement.

And before you drop a line and call the ASPCA on my ass know that she stayed in on Sunday.

Don’t Rock The Boat – Losers Lounge takes to the Hudson

You have heard about our many visits to Joe’s Pub to see The Losers Lounge. During the summer the Losers traditionally take a break and don’t perform but kick back up in the fall months. The next show is next month but there was a special performance that Vivian and Stone had purchased tickets and suggested that we attend. The show was a Disco Themed and it was on the Circle Line boat.

Joe and the Losers didn’t disappoint at all! Playing all the hits and with the backdrop of Manhattan you get the picture. It was cool as crap!

IMG_4341Fun Times with the Gang!

IMG_4311Still never gets old looking at this view

IMG_4319But First Let’s take a Selfie!

IMG_4315Of Course they had Karaoke Set up!

IMG_4321Aunt Terry I can’t believe you didn’t even acknowledge us!

IMG_4332Brooklyn Bridge Shot

IMG_4331Connie and Katia

IMG_4326Great show and lots of fun!

IMG_4334Nice “Action Shot” of the Empire State Building from the West Side

Thanks to Vivian and Stone for suggesting we do this. It was lots of fun

Where do you come up with these names?

Sorry for the delay in posting. I was busy last week because we had a long weekend to the Midwest for a wedding and I am getting back into the swing of things. Oh that and Mary Louise is +13 hours ahead of me in Japan so I am running this household all by myself. What pisses me off is that Mary Louise won’t tell me the Final Jeopardy answers since she is a day ahead of me. I hate to tell RJ but I think that she has found a new Sushi Buddy.

While we were in the Midwest this past weekend I had a couple of my readers of this worthless dribble ask me; “Where do you come up with the names of the people you interact with?” Naturally I “change the names to protect the innocent or non-sober” but some of the Mo-Ho’s were asking me how I created their names. Let me give you some insight into some of the players you read on this worthless dribble;

  • Mary Louis/Mrs. Trumpet – Thanks To Vivian Longstreet, she penned this because it is her soap opera name. She is also a perfume designer.
  • Maria – She keeps her name because she is my trusted consigliere and quite frankly she knows where all the bodies are buried. Seriously, has anyone seen Trucker Jim or Box of Rocks lately? I rest my case.
  • The Work Wife, The International One – Well she is a work friend and that is what she does
  • The Work Wife, The Domestic One – Currently Vacant
  • The Work Wife, The Managing One – See “Work Wife, The Domestic One” because she got a promotion.
  • The Asian Fireman – Well his last name is Lee so you do the math here.
  • Mr. 3 First Names – What can I say, this Staten Island resident has 3 first names in his first and last names.
  • Lady Barrister/Landlord – It is what she does and she is the landlord to Mr 3 first names
  • Z Squared – Couples name for 2 people whose last names start with Z (this isn’t rocket science folks)
  • UWS Holly – Someone names Holly who may live in the Upper West Side?
  • Baby Fine Hair (Haven’t spoken about her lately) but this person uses a shampoo that is specifically for people with Baby Fine hair. Hey it is better than me calling her “Person with a Mongoloid Foot Tattoo”!

Now this past weekend at this wedding we attended a new nickname was created. No it wasn’t from my (So in need of therapy) brain. It was from her own Flesh and Blood…..

With that, and I will do a proper blog post on the wedding and weekend. Congrats to Baby Fine Hair and Kristina on their wedding this past weekend!!!!

IMG_4270Hey don’t blame me Kiki (what I used to call Kristina before this weekend) blame your brother! Congrats and we were so happy to share with you your special day!

For those of you who weren’t in St. Louis the Celebrant (the bride on the left’s brother) when announcing the names of the newly married instead of saying K—n inserted his own wife’s name, Kristina, by mistake. Me I am going to roll with it!