Monkey head Maya

Now is the Time to Listen

So at the young age of 50 I have decided to go back to school. No, I am not going to follow in the footsteps of Geranium and get my MBA from NYU. I am going way back to the 7th grade. You see I found a really good teacher and he teaches me history every morning.

Some of you have been asking me why I am not posting this week and have even abandoned Cindy with the jokes. I don’t really have much material as we are a week away from our move and nobody wants to see boxes. We have postponed our trips to see Brendan at the Commissioner in an effort to stay safe and right now isn’t the time to be venturing out.

The reason I have stopped with FB is that the toxicity on this is over the top there. When exactly did a platform that we were originally playing Farmville/Mob Wars and poking people turn into the largest misinformation vehicle? Anyway I gave it up the other day and found that my mental health improved greatly. Tic Tock is where it is at now.

So let me tell you about my new History Teacher. 6’9″ IV teaches at one of the schools in Memphis. He must have been doing this thing where he would on his zoom calls give historical information about the current date and then go through the famous birthdays to end with his student’s birthdays. School ended last week in Memphis so since he is still quarantining at home with his wife and two boys he moved this daily practice over to Instagram.

I caught the first of June “Day in history” and what 6’9″ IV said touched me deeply. He spoke about what was going on in the world with Racial Injustice and he mentioned his most favorite quote from Harper Lee’s “To Kill A Mockingbird”

That is some pretty power stuff right there folks. You don’t know until you are in that person’s shoes.

6’9″ IV then mentioned that right now is the time to stop & listen and put ourselves in other peoples shoes. We are all quick to give our opinion but we should stop, listen and educate ourselves. I don’t have the answers nor do I think that anyone has, but I am willing to listen. I am willing to try to comprehend what someone else is going through and together try to figure out how to make it better.

Not going to lie one bit – There are some deep scars forming here in New York but we can start the healing while things are still smoldering. The first thing starts with using those two ears more than that one mouth and being kind to someone else.

So now each day when 6’9″ IV posts a new Day in History/Birthday’s he is also going to post resources that you can read, watch or listen to learn more. This is to help people understand the experiences that African Americans and this country. That is what I am going to start doing. Till then you will see me on Instagram.

LJZ and Tay-Tay told me that they were going to file charges with ASPCA. I got her an appointment to get her nails done (getting really long) and “Not Yolanda” had a cancelation so she got prettied. The before/after is hilarious!
She hated Geranium’s Spa Treatments!
This was probably the longest her hair was. God I miss that White Dog

So that’s it folks.

And thank you to Will for allowing me to post what you are doing. Sorry to put you on the spot but you are a fantastic teacher. Those current and past students are so lucky to have you. And by the way I hated History with a passion!

To my dozen readers of this dribble – If you would like to know 6’9″ IV’s Instagram address message me and I can give it to you. It’s some good stuff.

Lets Take One of The Worst Things Imaginable – Moving! But Let’s Do That Shit in NYC During A Pandemic

Yeah, talk about some crazy stuff but hey, we have already paddled out on the surfboard some 4 3/4 years ago when we moved here. Why not keep the dream alive.

Back Story – When we got the offer and made the decision to move up here almost 5 years ago we sought council from The Murphranks. They both told us that we needed to prioritize the following items;

  • Be as Close to Public Transportation (Subway, Bus, Regional Lite Rail)
  • Avoid at all costs any type of a Pre-War Walk Up
  • I am sure there are more but I those two have burned some good Brain Cells in the short time we have been living here.

First Apartment on First Avenue was a dream now looking back. It was part of the Hospital so we didn’t have to hunt for a place to live and it was another stress item we didn’t have to worry about. It was perfect except for the fact that I had to walk about 15 minutes to and from each day to get the 6 Train at 68/Lexington. I did this for about 17 months and let me tell you it sucked. That all changed when the Q Train opened up on January 1, 2017. Ironically we ran into ole Andrew that morning but I digress.

First Apartment had the following things that we were growing accustomed to and it because a priority;

  • Doorman Building – Not so much to open your door but to know that if the front door didn’t shut behind another resident meant it was a safety/security issue.
  • Package Room – This is a HUGE problem when people BC (Before Covid-19) would have to have signatures on deliveries. People in the Package Room would sign for our shit
  • Elevator Banks that would accommodate the number of residents.
  • Closeness to a Grocery Store – Right Across the Street
  • Closeness to bars – This isn’t so much of a good thing.
  • Laundry in Building – Who wants to schlep stuff

So when Geranium and I decided to move from the UES place we looked at a couple of places or more areas. We decided on Downtown Brooklyn for a couple of reasons as once again our priorities were changing. She was going to be on the road more so I needed more amenities to keep my sanity. I mean we looked at Fidi (No Grocery Store), Battery Park City (bitch of a walk to one subway line) and Murray Hill (I wasn’t a fan for some reason)

What our new priorities were included;

  • Ability to have someone swing by and get keys from the front desk to walk the Monkey Heads and leave keys for our cousin.
  • Subway Options – I had over 16 different lines I could choose from to get into the city.
  • Needed an Outdoor space or place for me to go work in the building.
  • Exercise and Possible instructed classes that we could join.
  • Washer/Dryer in Unit – Well that is now a bonus
  • Roof Terrace and Grilling Pavilions
  • Closeness to Murphranks (yeah we kind of like drinking with you)
  • Ease of getting to all 3 airports for Geranium. She can actually get to EWR, JFK, LGA in about an hour from our location.
  • Bomb Dot Com View of Manhattan – Full disclosure – I signed the lease on this joint before Geranium did because it had a killer view of the Empire State and Manhattan.
  • Then COVID-19 Hit in early March.

So our lease is up in July and the leasing company wanted to know if we wanted to sign a 1 year or 2 year lease. Of course with a nice little additional percentage on the lease. I am not one to shit on people but they wouldn’t let us go month to month so we are off like a Prom Dress. Just so we are clear – the Front Desk and Maintenance Staff – we love each and everyone of you. But the management/ownership company not so much.

So what are our new Priorities and what priority is now been relegated to the bottom of the list you ask? God Bless Geranium because she found us a place on West 39th Between 9/10 Avenues I think in 2 days. The location is considered Midtown West/Hudson Yards as it is nestled north of Chelsea, South of Hells Kitchen and West of The Garment District.

So here are our New COVID-19 priorities now and what doesn’t really matter so much now;

  • Outdoor space – No, it is not so that I can smoke cigars, I don’t think they are allowed on balconies anyway. We need to air out and get sun.
  • Smaller Building/Less Floors/Footprint – They only allow 2 people in our elevator now. We have 3 elevators dedicated to floors 30 – 55 and you do the math. Oh and there are times when the door opens I can see the fear in people’s eyes when I want to enter with Maya. Current wait time is about 10 minutes during peak times. And on the day I am writing this elevator #3 is down….again.
  • Neighborhood Residential Density Footprint – Where we are in Downtown Brooklyn we have tiny sidewalks. We also have tons of residential high rises and the Brownstones from Boerum Hill. Sadly we have to give up the sidewalks to the kids. Where we are going according to Mr. 3 First Names is very quiet.
  • Washer/Dryer in Suite – Absolutely now!
  • Grocery Store/Pharmacy Nearby – We live above the same grocery store I visit once a week 4 blocks away. Haven’t figured out where the CVS is but I am happy about the closness of my grocery store. Having it across the street in the UES was paramount.

Not a Priority at this Time (For obvious reasons)

  • Closeness to the Subways – That’s a big ole nope. The friggin NYSE told their members that they would not be allowed to take public transportation if they were going to be on the floor until a vaccine is created. The New York Stock Exchange folks…..
  • Amenities/Common Space – Yeah why am I going to pay 3% more at our current place to not use it?
  • Nearby Bars/Restaurants – We ain’t going anywhere for a while folks. And any New Yorker is stupid to think we are going back to what it was before. At least till we get some type of handle on this virus.
  • Commute to the office – I am actually now the only rep for the Double Decker Bus Company who lives closest to our office at 37 and 7th Avenue. I ain’t going there….
  • Close to stuff – We are not too far from Penn Station and Madison Square Garden now. Like we will there anytime soon.

I know I rambled but actually I have some folks who are also in the same boat as us and I wanted to verbalize how priorities have shifted for us. We are very excited for this new place. So is Maya, she is so over having to pee at 16 Sycamore Park. Also her boyfriend George is gone because our current building did her mom dirty too..

Back to the isle of Manhattan!

Layout of the new place. Trust me when I say that we have already figured out how to maximize space
Rule Number One – Never buy for the new place but I got my eye on you there Boo!
Never in a million years….
Already head of the game getting boxes.
Now in the top 5 important items.
When we saw him at the Second Avenue Subway opening.
I like the job that Andrew is doing in response to COVID-19 and being the father figure that we need.
I do love that his own brother called him out with that “Double Barrel Shotgun Mounted on the front of his face!” We need to laugh folks.

More to come, more to come.

Where is Maya? We Want More Pictures of Maya!

We don’t really care too much about you or Geranium. Hell the damn fluff ball is even amazing me with her cuteness.

You guys got fired didn’t you? You never leave this place.
I am helping on the Call with the EU. I am French afterall!
Well this is new.
Otter’s Shirt!
Don’t Play with me Hooman!
Let me give you a little attitude
Nap Time is the best time
I am getting Fluffy
When are you going to take me to Midtown West

Happy Birthday LJZ!

Would You Walk a Mile For A Camel?

Or better yet would you stand your ass out in a driving rainstorm with Monsoon/Nor Easter winds?

But First let me post a picture of Maya.

I get scolded if I don’t post a picture of Maya on each blog post.

So where we live in Downtown Brooklyn/Boerum Hill it has a Heavy Density of Residential homes and high rise apartments. Of those residents we have tons of kids and small children. The Playgrounds are closed for obvious reasons so parents are taking kids to parks and let them burn off some steam. They also let their kids run/ride scooters on the side walks.

Oh and the idiot Mayor we have what does he do to help alleviate this? His ass hasn’t closed off any of the streets but that is another subject at a later time. EDIT – he announced on Friday he is going to do this. With this and given the tightness of our sidewalks it prevents us from going outside much. I think I have said it a bunch of times but I can count on one hand the number of times I have visited a store/market/pharmacy in 30 days. I try to go on off times, not the weekends of course, but when it is say early morning or mid day.

So on Thursday after I took a conference call I was feeling a bit weepy. Oh come on admit it that we all have fears about this shit. It was raining and I just needed to get outside so I thought of a great idea. It has been 50 days since I was having a cigar at the Cigar Inn on 2nd Avenue. I figured that now during a driving rainstorm was the perfect time to go smoke a stick. I mean the kids won’t be out in this shit.

So I put on my Memphis in May Rain Gear, Got my fancy Umbrella, clipped off a Perdomo Torpedo and away I went downstairs. Trevor our building Concierge looked at me like I was crazy for going outside during all of this. Hell maybe I am crazy, maybe you are crazy too. I stood over by the closed 16 Sycamore Playground as there is a indention and I can stand without obstructing anyone walking by and braved the wind and rain.

Had a good Ash going till the Winds kicked up.
And don’t send me any cigars, I have a humidor full of them from when I went to Mexico in early February. (God that seems like forever ago!)

But First let’s take a selfie when it wasn’t raining.
It was good chatting with Tay-Tay while I was getting pummeled.
Trevor wanted to take a picture of me while I was standing out there but you couldn’t see me from where he was working.
But of course we have a Wind Advisory while some jackass is smoking a cigar.

So what are you doing differently in the middle of a Global Pandemic? Smoking a cigar in the middle of the rainstorm wasn’t on my list.

Pictures of the Week 2.0 – Yes I am kind of an overachiever

What can I say, I have extra material here folks. That and I can’t leave you with an inch long ear hair going into the weekend. That is just rude. And yes by my featured picture we have broken out the fancy toilet paper. I mean I will judge the Fuck out of you if you prefer one ply.

I didn’t post a pic of Maya in the other Pic Of The Week Post.
Some of you aren’t on FB – This is the kind of stuff that I wear on Friday’s with Otterlum.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Let this be a lesson – When you get a House Party call from the Asian Fireman it probably is his daughter.

Best was I hear him walk by and ask his daughter “Is that Robo?” and he walks off like nothing. So funny and FYI – Fee is tough on those games.
If you want to be added to this list of ridiculous text messages let me know.
Are you listening to me LJZ?
And Happy Birthday to this little stinker! I can’t wait to hug and kiss on her for hours!

Ok, now everyone have a good weekend!

Do Not Mock What You Have Not Experienced Firsthand

So when I posted a couple weeks ago (was it March or was it that long time in April, hell I can’t recall) about my ironing and starching of my bedding linen I got some looks. Not trying to call anyone out, Mrs. Otteralum, but I told this person that until you have slept on this then you can’t snicker at my secret pandemic behavior. Oh she is going to throat punch me when this is over. LULTU#1

Ty Middelton was correct, this is great therapy and it keeps me from drinking at 9AM on a Saturday.

So here is a brief tutorial on how to properly iron and starch your bed linens. Enjoy and smile because you are about to read a blog from a guy who blogged about ironing his bed linens. Oh and this is the Third time I have referenced ironing bed linens.

After washing and drying slide the pillow case in between your ironing board.
Align the seam on one side of the board. This is your reference point.
Hit the shit out of that steam button as you press this.
When Done pull it out (TWSS) and get the top and re-iron each side.
You got to get that stuff stiff (that is what she said)
You have to spray a lot of this shit on the linens.
Get the whole side done and then repeat.
Flip it over and get the other side.
Fold that sucker up and press it like you do Hankerchiefs
Folded and ready to go.
Ok so I don’t really get the fitted sheet ironed. I mean I can barely fold it.

Let me know when you do this. I promise you will love it. Thanks Mrs. Otteralum for playing along.

Our Co-Worker is Pissed At Us And Yes I posted this from the Bedroom

Ladies, I get that you are not wearing bras.

Guys, I get that you aren’t wearing pants.

But what I want to know is, what your shower/wash yo ass schedule is like?

I mean – I am showering daily, shaving every day, and my hands have never been cleaner.

Geranium is a every other day shower’r. She doesn’t stink so we are ok with this.

Maya on the other hand. Her ass is getting ripe!

I mean she is starting to resemble Pig Pen from those Peanuts cartoons.

So on Sunday she got herself a trip to the spa!

She still isn’t speaking to me or Geranium.

What in the Cornbread Fuck!
You like to sleep naked don’t you? I am going to get you back!
I will get you back too woman!
Fuck Both of you!
I stink but you put your shoes on the faux Mink throw? Where is the Justice?
Oh you are right, you will give me cheese!
I am eyeing my spot where I am going to shit in your closet.

Hope you had a laugh today and yes LJZ I gave you an “All Maya Post”

Again follow her on Instagram at @Maya_in_NYC for updates.

Pictures of the Week – It is a good thing I love you

Reader Number 12 chirped in to me yesterday informing me that there are not enough pictures of Monkey Head Maya on this Worthless Dribble. She and I were complaining about our co-workers because hers is getting mouthy about the meals they are eating over there in Times Square/Theater District. I was commiserating with her because my co-worker drank the last of the coffee today and the bitch didn’t make a fresh pot. I may have to call HR on her. I defiantly am going to sexually harass her this weekend.

Anyway here you go LJZ – #RoboCares

You can bet your ass I am not walking her in this get up
She Likes Break Time
Loving my Monkey that we found last weekend under the bed
Ole George The Cat
Tormenting San Pedro Scoop in the middle of a Pandemic
One of my Peers had a baby boy (well his wife did all the heavy lifting) the other day. Wait till he gets the envelope where Tio Robo & Tia Geranium sent him an Elvis Onesie.
The Recycling Folks are loving this!
I played along with my dinner buddy Katie Mac with First & Current Car
Yo Fat Kids – we Broke Down and ordered Chick-Fil-A. Put the count back to Zero

Z(squared) we may send Maya over there for a weekend so you can get your dog fill.

Welp the Fridge is Clean

We have some major breaking news as shit is going down over here in Brooklyn.

I asked Geranium if she was going to tackle the freezer but she informed me that she wanted to save that for another day. Smart because we probably are going to be here till May.

She cleaned it with some vigor. Notice the Maintenance Wine on the bottom shelf along with my Fancy Beer
I was tasked with finding Bib Lettuce. Shopping here is getting similar to shopping in Belize. Not all stores may have what you need so you make due with what you can find.
The Vegetables I scored on Friday
The Cheese Section
Kinda makes you wonder how much food 2 people need
Z(Squared) may have a Meat Section but Me and Geranium have a cheese shelf.
I am now eating like a 5 year old so anytime I make a PB&J Maya wants some too
She and I are going to have to study for our blood tests
Sunday Beers!

Hope you stayed in today. This shit is going to get ugly soon.

Sunday Funday – Talk amongst yourselves.

We took the day off yesterday. It was a tad heavy so we started day drinking and played Farkle. Sadly we couldn’t go see Brendan at The Commissioner or hang with the Murphranks either. We spoke with RDD for about an hour and we needed that. I suspect she needed it too. We are actually going to roll out a self improvement part of this blog together. I guess you guys are getting tired of my home improvement stuff.

Featured Picture Back Story – NYP is the hospital that Geranium worked at and is now tending for all the COVID-19 patients. May God Bless everyone who works in the Hospital/Medical Field these days.

#FullDisclosure – I am about to go Samuel L “Fucking” Jackson on some of you very soon.

I really wish I were a dog during all of this.
Maya loves big ducks and she can not lie!
And she now expects to be fed at any time she damn well pleases. Here Geranium is explaining to her that we run this house.

Seriously folks – Stay The F Home.