On the road with CT

Would the Alumni Members of the Ambergris Caye Message Board Please Stand Up (if they can)

I have to start out by giving mad props to Otteralum (I know that is a rather strange code name but he gave it to himself) because that magnificent bastard just pulled off one helluva ACMB Reunion. Pugwash quit swearing at the laptop, your time will come….

So, we just returned from a trip to Belize, but let me go back in time for some of you younger stalkers of this worthless dribble. Before Tic Toc, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, even Myspace and Friendster there was a thing called a “Message Board” Here people could come to it and ask questions about a vacation place or rant about their favorite sporting team. In this case the Message Board was for Ambergris Caye down in Belize.

For those of us who had visited the island a number of times we would chat on either threads or in mini chat. Like I said, Social Media hadn’t launched yet and there was not a lot going on. As with any group of child like adults (much like on social media) you had some ball busting, some fights, some got kicked off and so on.

I met the bulk of the ACMB (Ambergris Caye Message Board) on one of the Boogie’s in February. I want to recall it was a poker run that TacoGirl put together and IsleNutt made bracelets with everyone’s name. Needless to say it was a great trip and then Myspace moved to Facebook so sadly the message board lost steam.

So about 2 and a half years ago Otteralum put out a “Save the Date” for his 50th birthday in Facebook. I saw it was in early November and went to put it on the calendar. But something wasn’t kosher. First of all I thought that he and I were closer in age. Then I noticed that the dates didn’t coordinate with the days of the week. Did he start drinking early and forget his birthday? Nope he sent out the invite 2 and a half years in advance. Talk about an over-achiever.

Anyway a total of 42 folks came down from the US and a good number of them were from the ACMB. It was good to see some faces that I haven’t seen in a couple years. Even as Pugwash and I spoke at breakfast about todays agenda he remarked that it was probably the first time we ever were civil to each other. I told him it was because we were both still sober but Tim knows I don’t have a beef with him. He is just a big ole hairy Teddy Bear. But with a funnier accent other than mine. Love ya Pug and Jane!

I must have been in the bathroom when they took this picture. Pretty much the whole gang!
Me and Reaper (who technically doesn’t live in the States but in Costa Rica)
Me and Tia Chocolate – (the nose above picture is a staple Carbunkle Trumpet Selfie method) Nobody wants to see my whole face.
Me and Travel Queen
Me and Muppets Go Wild
The Birthday Boy aka Otteralum (his handle is a mix of his college and that he is an alum)
Fucking Spurs and Mr Spurs! – This picture automatically put a smile on my face when I saw it. It was so great to spend time with you and Bobby. Love ya Kid!
Yep even he was amongst us too.
For those of you wondering that is a shark vertebrae anklet and it was worn by KC Jayhawk. It was gifted to me by his wife because we lost Colin 4 years ago. Oh and we all still miss the big goof he was one in a million. I am not crying, you are crying.
I got you Bro!
Travel Queen and Dita
Two Former Memphians sit at the same table on a Sunday night. What are the chances.
For those of you who don’t know this is Elbert Greer and he owns the White Sands Dive Shop. Every morning he posts the weather report for San Pedro. It keeps my sanity when we are having Cold Ass Nor’easters.
She wasn’t on the island but as I am having my last beer I notice the picture of SweetJane with Jet. We got to throw her into the mix!
Love these two! Isla this summer?
Who has two thumbs and has two beautiful women by his side as we are heading in?
This Guy!

Like I said, This was a magical trip and I am so thankful that Otter invited Geranium and I to this event. Between this group of malcontents along with Otter and Mrs. Otter’s group of friends it was one helluva party. To those who couldn’t make it, you were missed.

A Trip To Charleston With The ChoHo’s

A while back the Fab 5 (Baby Fine Hair, OTB, Dance With Me, Geranium and Not B) were talking about doing a trip to Charleston. They invited Weed (even though she was in a much younger class) and at some point and time the Fab 5 + Weed decided that spouses would be welcome also. Since Geranium was on a work trip once again I flew solo to Charleston. We rented an Air BnB downtown and flew in on Friday night.

I won’t bore you with details (Pretty much all we did was drink and eat) but I have to be honest. I really enjoyed Charleston. If you have a chance get there. They have tons of bars and neat food joints.

Always take a picture of your room number in a hotel or in this case your address. You need to take care of Drunk Person
I like the Crap/Better Beer Descriptions
God Bless Bloody Mary and the appetizers you get.
That is some great hair there Not B
Private Chef Made Dinner. We ran close to running out of butter
I posted this picture so that you know that Geranium attended because this is the only picture I have of her this weekend.
Baby Fine Hair fiddling with the Music
The Chef Made some good food! *Disclaimer – I actually remember eating it and it was good. Some of the group….not so much.
We Didn’t drink any beer this weekend
Hush Puppies (God I love the South)
Oysters on the half shell
Fried Chicken That was as good as Gus’ Fried in Memphis
As Compared to Shitty Chicken
Last Pic before I took my ass to the airport

Like I said, it was a good trip and we had some fun down there. I later found out that Charleston was the town that Bourdain ate at the Waffle House.

Back in the Saddle

Sorry for no posts last week. It was a tough week for us. We had to get the Little Bastid off to School and being off for a couple days put us behind. Not much I can really report from the Dale Hollow trip. That sucker was full of Non Disclosure agreements and “don’t post this on Social Media” comments. But lets be honest. If weren’t there you probably wouldn’t think that shit was that funny anyway.

I will be back at my normal self this week. Oh and welcome to my newer readers. More on that.

First Day of 5th Grade 3.0
I hear that Alabama will rebuild.
Happy 7th Birthday to this fluff ball! Hopefully you can take it easy today.

And if your football team didn’t win this weekend I hope your beer was at least cold.

Pictures of the Week on a Thursday? What Gives

What can I say, I am giving you paid subscribers a little Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon bonus. You remember that Labor Day tradition? Anyway we are going to be out of town for a couple of days.

It is going to be a Circus this weekend! #FCharlie
Miss all 3 of these Knuckle Heads!
Found this recipe in one of Jean-George’s Cook Books

Have a good weekend!

Moving to The Big Apple…. another perspective

Seems like I have been speaking to a bunch of our Double Decker Tour Bus Sales reps from other markets. Naturally these folks are a “tad” younger than I am but because I am here in the middle of Times Square I guess they think I have found the answers. I am also a ‘big brother’ to one of our up and comer Tour Bus selling reps and she just moved to Manhattan. Seriously, she has been her almost a month and thankfully hasn’t gotten squashed by that cross town bus either.

Honestly, how do you explain the New York Experience until you are in the middle of it? How does one properly describe the wonderful aroma from the 2/3 train tracks in Times Square station and not tell the tourists they are smelling pee/poop? I still to this day don’t know how to explain The Coney Island Mermaid Festival and I have been 3 fucking years in a row!!!

To put this in a Memphis perspective – how do you explain the Wine Race to someone from New York. What about Festival Season? Better yet try to explain Prince Mongo or Memphis politics.

To put this in a Belizean Perspective – how do you explain Halloween or Lobsterfest to someone who has never visited? Care to tell someone how bad Middle Street was during rainy season when it wasn’t paved. How about the road north when there was the hand drawn barge? Let’s not forget when Reaper would fill the skies with parachutes each spring.

You get my drift? You feel me? This shit ain’t easy!

So here are my David Letterman Top 10 “Things to Consider when choosing to move to New York” *disclaimer – please seek other council as well. I have been known to be full of shit.

  1. Location from your residence to a Subway Platform is Paramount. What does that mean to you? When we lived at 71St and First Avenue the closest subway before they opened the 2nd Avenue Subway was at 68th & Lex which was .5 Miles away. To put that in a Memphis scale. Walk from the South Bluffs Apartments to Max’s Sports Bar which is also .5 Miles away. Oh and that is just one way. Do that twice a day in rain, snow, cold as wind and Hot ass weather. You feel me. And get ready for delays and weekend service interruptions. We live in Downtown Brooklyn so I can pick from 16 different lines and walk 75 feet to get to the first one. Geranium wants to move in May 2020. Of course she doesn’t use public transportation. I do. We will move from 333 but I have serious argument to move from this area.
  2. How much to you want to Pay to Play? Apartment on First Avenue ran us $2750.00 and that was with a “discount” but it was a full service building (take out packages, mail, laundry, let the dog walker in) and provided a security that all guests had to be announced. (Well except for Maria) Oh and that was for 535 Square Feet too. We pay comparable to that and are 2 subway stops from Manhattan. You want to have a nice house with a yard, you will spend at least an hour+ on a train or bus on your commute into the city. I know folks who travel 2+ hours one way into the city. They do it 5 days a week. Think about this…..
  3. Do you really need all that shit? We moved up here in a UHaul with clothes, kitchen stuff, art and a blow up bed. Oh and the poodles too. We bought at Ikea and made it work. Do you really need 3 couches? Oh by the way when we moved from UES to Brooklyn we threw away a lot of shit. I look around this place now and before we move again there will be a yard sale.
  4. Think you can eat/drink out on the town every night like they did in Seinfeld and Sex and the City? Trust me, when I return to Memphis I always accuse the bartender of not charging me enough. It costs a lot to eat out and have cocktails here. If you don’t know how to cook………Fucking Learn! Do you recall my Bourdain Post? Learn how make an omelet. This way you can cook a hot meal for your ‘last nights conquest’ the next morning. You may even get bonus points because you both slept on a futon that you don’t have the heart to tell them you found on the street last week.
  5. You will eventually either curse or be cursed out so get ready for it. I look back and yes I deserved to get a “GFY” for when I tried to quick walk around a lady in a walker on a crowded street. No I didn’t knock her down but I made her hesitate. And a 75 Year Old Grandmother told me to Go Fuck Myself. Still can’t get over that.
  6. You are going to see/experience/smell/hear something that you may not agree with. How are you going to react? This isn’t up for discussion.
  7. Want to learn a different a culture or religion? Just ask. I live down the block from The Sri Sri Radha Govinda Mandir Hare Krishna Center. You read that right this is a place for Hare Krishnas to assemble. Yes, the same ones from the move “Airplane” who sold the flowers in the airport. They wear the robes, have the bald heads and are as friendly as ever and I am so glad they are near by. Same thing goes for different cultures. I love getting into a cab/uber and ask my driver where they are from and then ask; “Tell me about your country?” This is the equivalent as asking someone at BBQ Fest what makes your ribs/shoulder better than everyone else? Or ask them about their college football team. Seriously, lots of Pride and I love it. Now, If you think that everyone should be American, look the same and don’t accept that then maybe you want to stay home.
  8. Don’t get Freaked Out When You see a Celebrity – All I had to do was text GrainbinGirl and my text read “I saw her, I saw him, they were tiny and didn’t cry like a little girl”. She knew that I saw Ina Garten and Jeffrey. I still laugh that my former Momma damn near knocked down Pierce Brosnan on Madison Avenue when we were walking down the street. I ‘casually’ said to him “Sorry Mr. Crown” and she didn’t believe it. So we had to hoof it down Madison Avenue for her to see for herself.
  9. What do you think about the Weather and the Homeless/Bums? It gets bad here. Winters Suck, Nor’easters suck, and the rain blows to no end. Regarding the Homeless – I will say that Geranium has ridden the subways many a night solo and never felt threatened. The people looking for money can be annoying here but you have to know how to respond to them. I still love the guy who was in front of Grey’s Papaya on 86th and was begging for food because he was hungry. A guy asked him what he wanted from the menu and he declared that he didn’t like Hot Dogs & just wanted money (Failed to mention that Grey’s Papas was the hot dog nirvana) so the man fired back. “Then don’t fucking ask for money in front of a hot dog place, maybe go to a burger place or GFY” The bums do make a lot of money up here. Just be cautious.
  10. Last Rule – Find “A Guy”. We have lived here for four years, we love it here. We have a great support system here, we are so thankful for this. And that system also knows that they can call on us. When you get home on a Friday night and are exhausted from the work week there is nothing better meeting up with friends and having a beer. We all work hard, might as well enjoy the fruits of our labor.
Our First Apartment in the UES. We look back and that was a lot of room and it was laid out perfectly for us.
Ah the Snow Storm that dumped 37 inches in the city.
What I am standing in isn’t snow that has been plowed. That is just normal snow. Hence why I am not planning on vacationing to go skiing.
Learn the Subway or You will run out of money.
Oh and you better have lots of Cash too. Lot of the places are cash only.

Have a good Day.

Pictures of the Week from the Redneck Rivera.

So we will finish the week with some final pictures from our week down in the Redneck Rivera. Like I said, we had a blast and we look forward to next years trip. I figure by then maybe Knuckleheads #1 & #2 will be able to fetch Uncle Robo and Uncle RJ some cold pops! Captain can you start teaching the kids how to make Painkillers for next year.

Returning from the day on the beach. Notice the Cigar in my left hand. That was Cigar #22 for the week.
“Mom, we are tired of posing, Uncle Robo can we act a fool?”
“Go Ahead Kids! Fly that Freak Flag!”
Thank God we ordered the Small Drinks!
Happy 4th of July!
Need a bottle of Tito’s and a Dildo? We have found the place for you!
4 Toe Heads having dinner! I miss them!
I also miss this Bushwacker too!
Maya had a good Vacation too!
Hate to tell everyone but Knucklehead #2 took Daddy to school on the tabletop games!

Next week we will return to normal NYC Shenanigans. One should always get out of the city for a couple of days. We had fun with all of these jokers.

There are 2 things that will always say the truth no matter what….. 2/2

Spandex and a 3 year old.

So when I left you I was peeing in the Gulf of Mexico with RJ. The rest of the week we pretty much stayed close to home. We did make a trip on a boat one day and that was a lot of fun. During that 3 hour boat tour some folks got White Girl White Claw Wasted and it was good to hang with our friends. Like I said before; for 2 people who don’t have children who freely want to vacation with 2 other families and their children says something. But then again these kids are pretty good and the only real tears shed that week was when we had to leave on Saturday to go back to the real world. Well that was until Expedia Fucked me.

Mallory and Elsie Hanging
Geranium and I
Captain
This was my Cartoon Watching Buddy
Beautiful Day on the water and at the beach!
Geranium preparing lunch
Knucklehead #2 enjoying String Cheese while dipping it into Rotel Cheese. (Makes me tear up just thinking about it)
Pour that shit in the sink. It isn’t even worth mixing it with Vodka!
JMH and RJ

You Are Vacationing Where? And With Whom? Part 1 of 2

Those were the two questions a couple of Thursdays ago from my non kosher eating brother from another mother and fellow Tina’s Cubano lunch eating cohorts. Yep the Trumpets were taking the show on the road and heading down to the Gulf Coast of Alabama and Florida. What was puzzling my work cohorts was that we were vacationing with 2 other families and their children…..ages 2 – 8 & a 16 year old. Now It is no secret that we celebrate the fact that our only human child is an invisible one and the other one is 4 legged. We figured that since we have been around the parents a couple of different times and on vacation that it only made sense that we could probably hang with their kids too. Still it was a gamble. No doubt that S(Squared) and D.E. were placing bets if I would come back early and send a case of cigars to my urologist for performing my vasectomy.

We rented a 5 bedroom house so that the 3 sets of adults could have their own room, we put the 16 year old in her own room and the 4 knuckleheads had the playroom. So here is the honest truth about the week. We had a blast! The kids were great. The were well behaved and listened to directions and hopefully didn’t learn all the words that Uncle Trumpet muttered as he drank his “Robo Juice”.

Morning Breakfast. She wasn’t too sure about me on Day 1
We went through a lot of chips that week. Not from usage but because each bag came back with a large amount of sand in the bag.
Corn Hole – The perfect game you can play with a beer in your hand.
Daddy Let me Bury your feet!
Don’t let the Atlanta Family Fool you – Someone is peeing in that ocean right now.
I am certain that someone in this picture of the Memphis family is peeing.
Now since we are on the subject of peeing in the ocean……
Where did we leave the kid? Oh crap we forgot to un-bury her!

More pics and hi-jinx tomorrow.

One Year Ago Tomorrow – We Lost A Great Traveler

I recall it like it was yesterday. The first text came from GrainbinGirl at like 7:AM (6:AM Memphis Time) then the next came from Pepe. “Anthony Bourdain was gone and by his own hand.” *Disclaimer – I have lost many a good friend and family member by their own hand. This post is not in any way shape or form trying to speak of this horrible disease. Sadly it takes too many good people*

Best Friends

So the loss of Antony Bourdain has bothered me for a while. Now that I have just finished up on a whirlwind tour with Shawna (yeah, I am serious when I use real names) I miss him even more.

Tunisa

For this post I plan on speaking about some of Tony’s quotes that I hold dear to my heart.  His friend Jose Andres said it best in his latest book in the tribute;

To our friend Anthony Bourdain, who spent his life planting seeds

That man put a bunch of seeds in my head and I owe it to him to make them grow and experience some of what he got to see. Let’s be honest….the Cock Sucker had the best life in the world and I am so grateful that I can try to do as much as I can!!! Enough with the chatter. Here are my favorite Bourdain Quotes in no sequential order and some notes;

  • “Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life — and travel — leaves marks on you.” – Loved my trip to a small town in Switzerland. You don’t get the same experience in the larger towns. Here I was just an American who couldn’t speak French and didn’t know I needed to bring a bag.
  • “If you’re twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel – as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them — wherever you go.”Or if you are 49 years old do this and load up on the ADVIL! I am not going to lie, the travel I did to see Shawna was tough but I look back and loved every minute of it!
  • “The journey is part of the experience — an expression of the seriousness of one’s intent. One doesn’t take the A train to Mecca.”I landed at Heathrow exhausted but figured out the Tube Schedule, walked my ass through the rain and got to the hotel. I could have wimped out and paid a King’s Ransom for a Black Car but what is the point if you aren’t going to see and experience Rush Hour into London on a Friday?
  • “I’m a big believer in winging it. I’m also a big believer that you are never going to find perfect city travel experience or the perfect meal without a constant willingness to experience a bad one. Letting the happy accident happen is what a lot of vacation itineraries miss, I think, and I’m always trying to push people to allow those things to happen rather than stick to some rigid itinerary.”This was 100% Barcelona! I only had a list from The Notorious NFG but it was going to be a total wing it. I love that town. I want to go back and I want to go back now.  
  • “Drink heavily with locals whenever possible.”No Comment
  • “You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together.” – Loved our visit with English Mike & Ellie as well as our visit with The Tour Agent and Curly Sue in Switzerland. I know that our paths will cross again and when it does. I plan on picking up from where we left off.
  • “Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”It is very well documented that I smoke cigars, drink alcohol on occasion, and need a cholesterol pill. Sure, I try to keep myself leaning towards the cleaner side of life but what’s the point of living if you can’t slide down butt naked on a sheet of ice. Yes, I ordered the damn goose liver and I loved it!
  • “I learned a long time ago that trying to micromanage the perfect vacation is always a disaster. That leads to terrible times.”I am hoping she never reads this but I so disagree with Z-Squared and her guerrilla vacation tactics. I love her to death and will be that “3AM phone call guy to come bury a body” guy but I can’t vacation with her. Let that shit roll off the back.

And will I finish with this one. I will always have the deepest respect and love for Ernie and Lynn Mellor for giving an out of work carnie a job.

  • “Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it’s a start.” – Nothing is better than standing over a hot smoker busting balls and or discussing life. I am always appreciate of the visits with the Asian Fireman in Woodlawn.

So, if you have not figured out by my already 900 words this is telling you to go out and explore. It doesn’t have to be in a different country. It can be in a different part of your home town.

All you have to do is be friendly, be respectful and always be humble.

How cool would it be if you were having a lunch on this beach?

Rest in peace Tony. I am still pissed I didn’t get to drink with you at Billy Mark but that is more for a selfish reason.

To honor you I will try to see as much of this world as you did.

It’s Friday Bitches!!!!!!! We Made It!

To my 7 out of 15 readers who are not from Memphis; there is a DJ in Memphis who would scream her battle cry “Its Friday Bitches!” on Fridays when she opened her show. Naturally “The Lady Killer’s” best buddy, Christopher Blaine Jarman would bring it down a notch and just say “It’s Friday Snitches” because he was the afternoon guy and he knew that kids were in the cars at that time. Shout out to the Jar!

I have had a couple of people ask me what the hell is going on since I have been on a Blog writing tear lately. What can I say, when Geranium is back in town the world revolves better. Thank you to all of you who commented on my Say No To The Bag/Styrofoam post because that has been on my mind for a couple of days since my return from Switzerland. Actually last night I went down to Target to get a couple of things and naturally I brought my Old Lady Cart and LL Bean bag. The cashier informed me she is required to put scanned items into a bag because it is a security issue. This is going to break TCB’s Mom’s heart but Target is a huge contributor of plastic bag waste. Even though I was putting the bagged items in my buggy the bitch still double bagged it. I counted 16 plastic bags after I got home. They got to do better!

Anyway here are some pictures that I have taken for the past 3 weeks.

Prayers for the Repose of the Soul of James “Jimmy” Farrell a classmate of mine. He was the type of a person who would give you the shirt off of his back. 49 years old is just scratching the surface and prayers to his family and also to the Class of 1988. Honestly, I am most sad that I was not able to attend our reunion last year and get to see him. To be around him was a good thing. Sadly It seems like we have been losing a classmate every 6 months.

Jimmy, I will see you on the back nine or at Buckley’s Bar on Poplar and I appreciate all that you have done for the reunions. Nobody can ever replace your spirit.

Saint John Baptist de La Salle…..Pray for us.
Recall when I said that Cooking For One Person SUCKS? I broke out some stale French bread that Geranium and I didn’t eat so I made some Catalonian Tomato Bread this week. I hate messing up the kitchen.
We are now in 2 Handkerchief carrying weather. One is for my sweaty ass and the other is always for a lady that may need one. Is this something that a 90 year old Southern Gentlemen would do? I think so.
Wait till Tay-Tay or Anna Copacabana is at The Double Decker Tourist Tour Bus Ticket Sales office and needs a napkin. #RoboCares
Not a Molatov Coctail – Vodka Soda and Tea in a Light Bulb!
Speaking of Vodka Soda or Tonic…..
Don’t give me shit about my hat…I like my Silence of the Lamb’s Hannibal Lecter Hat. Wait till I wear this thing in the UES!
Insert Chelsea Handler Nugget Food Joke here
The fiscal year ends today at midnight. Everyone has been blowing out vacation since we can’t carry it over. I haven’t done shit this week.

Have a good weekend Folks.