so going to hell for this one

Move to Brooklyn they said….

It will be fun they said!

I am kidding, now that we are one full week and two weekends into the Hipster Vibe and it isn’t that bad. I realize that I am way behind as I have trips to Memphis, Philly and this silly move as well as other things to report on this worthless dribble of a blog. I plan to report on all those doings this like old people drive; all over the fucking place! Don’t be surprised if you see multiple entries on the same day and some back dated posts. It isn’t like my advertisers are going to be pulling those million dollar ad deals.

First of all and let me be perfectly clear, if you have anyone who tells you that you that moving isn’t all that bad or they actually enjoy it you need to unfriend their ass right then and there. You don’t need to be friends with someone who is clearly out of their fucking mind. Now that we are in the new space and have made numerous trips to the trash compactor and the Goodwill donations center we get it. Moving into a studio apartment in New York is best done like you are coming into the world – Naked and screaming!

  • Rule # 1 of moving into a studio – Less Furniture is best!
  • Rule # 2 of moving into a studio – Purge, Purge, Purge and Purge to the point of a possible divorce. Who knew that my wife had a fetish for colored pencils and pens. The other side of the coin do I really need 6 pair of black lace up dress shoes?
  • Rule # 3 of moving into a studio – Having an extra C-Note in your pocket works wonders when things can go sideways. Welcome to the New York shakedown baby! So we may have had 7 more boxes and a shoe cabinet that wasn’t originally quoted (mistake on my part) rather than making a big deal about it giving someone an extra Ben Franklin makes the issues go away.
  • Rule #4  of moving into a studio – Purge, Purge, Purge and Purge to the point that your spouse is asking for divorce lawyer representation from friends. *Hint – you think that either one of us wants to go through this shit again, its cheaper to stay together*
  • Rule #5 of moving into a studio – Having friends who can help provide moral support helps. NO I didn’t say help you move, you are a fucking adult and not in college anymore. Pay someone to move your stuff. On that note a HUGE SHOUT OUT to Maria, Mr. 3 First Names and Lady Barrister. I also would like to thank the Brewmaster of Budweiser Light and Tito’s Vodka for their help in dulling the pain too.
  • Rule #6 of moving into a studio – In the heat of the moment try to take a moment of pause and think “Before we throw this out, can it really fit?” Right now we have all of our art still in the boxes and crates and it is creating a disturbance in our chi. We were able to move some stuff around this weekend and now are glad we didn’t do some serious purging.
  • Rule #7 of moving into a studio – It may hurt your pocketbook or liver but get out of the house on a daily basis. Currently we are supposed to have Internet and TV hooked up this Wednesday between 10 and 12 and working on a mobile hotspot sucks. We found that getting out of the apartment on a nightly basis helps from losing your mind. Downside to that is that we now know every bartender in a 5 block radius and boy are they going to be pissed when they find out that we don’t normally go out on a Monday – Thursday night.
  • Rule #8 of moving into a studio – Purge, Purge, Purge, Purge – did I mention that enough? Seriously we looked like we could have been on Hoarders.

38RSo here is our space. We learned that having an “open kitchen” can actually hurt you when needing space but we think we can make it work.

IMG_3120White dog (who is blind) is not happy at all! Red Dog has been very needy and is scared to death that we are going to leave her ass somewhere.

IMG_3155After a week of sleeping on the ground with the mattress on the floor we got a new bed. Thankfully we don’t need a stepladder to get into this one like the old bed in the UES.

IMG_3156Maya is happy now that she can go from floor to couch to bed without needing help.

IMG_3152Like I said, we did some “recon” on the local drinking establishments this past week.

Hope you had a laugh.

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Hey CBT, I got something for you….

That was a text message that I got from LJZ last week.

****Disclaimer, I was in a foul mood that afternoon. Seriously, I would have just as soon masturbated with a cheese grater than visit the home office during business hours that day. Regardless, I pulled up my socks, put on a fresh smile, and agreed to swing by to get “said gift.” When I arrived I found out that my boss was there…..I found out that her boss was there……I found out that her wanted-her-to-be boss was there..

Seriously, I would have just as soon sat in the backseat of an un-air conditioned station wagon between two 15 month olds kids in car seats sucking on pixie sticks of sugar than be there. Did I mention that I was on a 14 hour road trip to Florida and said kids hadn’t been out of those chairs for 7 hours? It was that bad of a day for me.

Hopefully I have given you enough imagery to tell you how pissed I was that fateful day when LJZ asked me to come to the home office for a gift she made for me.

IMG_2953This was the gift that LJZ gave me. *SECOND DISCLAIMER – No I don’t use elicit drugs, I got 99 other problems than this one. (booze, beer and cigars are still ok right?)

IMG_2962I was floored. I loved it!

The fact that LJZ cross-stitched this in the airport on a work trip makes gift so much more special. Oh what is the big deal about “Not Doing Coke in our Bathroom” you ask? (see next picture and comment)

img_0267This is the original cross-stitch that sits at a bar a couple of steps away from our soon to be former apartment and we have a funny story about it. I guess Shobo and I need to go back into the bar business.

HEY RJ – You listening…… #NextYearCoozie

For those of you who are wondering what storyline you missed please don’t read to much into this post. I appreciate this gift for a many reasons.

Thank you LJZ you really are a treat!

 

Come on Lightbulb – Pics of the Week from Isla Mujeres y Manhattan

Merry/Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukah/Chanukah or Happy Holidays to you and to  my readers(all 14 of you!) If I have learned anything by living up here is that you always appreciate understanding someone’s heritage and or traditions. It is no lie that I grab my fair share of cabs but trust me when I say that I love asking the back of the head who is driving my cab; “So Boss Man….Tell me about your country.” If you come to NYC I implore you to please do this. Seriously please do it and you will find all kinds of country/family pride.

So I am going to get to the pics because I have had a helluva week and you guys (all 14 of you) hate my diatribe.

 IMG_2300Had a small fire on E70th a couple weeks ago.

IMG_2302Hey Guys is the Asian Fireman or @AB670 on board….yeah I know the answer.

IMG_2347RJ & Mal-O-Rie – So if we get this joint can you please promise not to procreate in the pool? #askingforafriend

IMG_2357I was warm here. I didn’t have to wear a bunch of cold weather gear.

IMG_2389Hey Staten Island S – Can you get us a bottle of this?

IMG_2394Tastes like Sambuca but its pretty good!

IMG_2411Maya is pissed and let me tell you how upset I was considering I was wearing shorts 2 says ago!

IMG_2412Maddy was not happy either!

IMG_24016 days in Mexico and I was offended that my beard was coming in grey. Pay no attention to the hairs on my head mind you! Hashbrown – at least I have hair!

IMG_2434Don’t blame me Maya….Blame the other one who put you in this outfit!

IMG_2440It screamed that I should come in and have a drink but it was 9AM and I had service issues. I will see you next week Village Tavern!

Seasoned Greetings to all my readers. All 14 of you!

Pictures of the Week (oh boy)

I am actually going to break this up into 2 pics of the week because if I am going to go to hell I don’t want to be judged because I also made fun of Christmas Trees. This past week was a wild one. I ran into Elegant Elliot twice, I saw a huge violation with the MTA and a bunch of wild stuff happened too! On a personal note, I love living in this city. It is quirky, weird, has strange people living here and it has embraced me with open arms.

IMG_2291I do love the “failing” media up here. Nothing is sacred!

IMG_2280Yes that is a bucket of KFC on the Queens Bound F Train

IMG_2241Soak it in Folks, Soak it in! Technically this dog is in compliance of being in a bag or kennel

IMG_2270And Here is LZ’s customer, I should have called these guys for the aforementioned picture

IMG_2224Very Strange to me, who can leave their clothes in the laundry room for 2 weeks and not need them. I would run out of undershirts after a week.

IMG_2267I love me some of this Little Brown Woman! She and I Snapchat all the time during Sunday Fundays

IMG_2290You know how wonderful it feels to have to purchase Suntan Lotion in December? Mexico bound next week!

IMG_2294Happy 5 years of having this little Monkey Head! I ran the Memphis Half Marathon 5 years ago and we went over to my dad’s house and they got her for me. They asked me what we should name her and this was the year the Mayan calendar was to end. I run a half marathon and the world should end – Hello Maya!

Be on the lookout for a noontime post! And have a good weekend!

“I have made a huge mistake” or “I am going to finish this Mother Fucker!”

Sorry for the profanity right off the bat. Those were the two very different comments from Marathon Runners said to the Asian Fireman and I yesterday. Happy Marathon Sunday Folks! From what I learned yesterday there are two huge events in the UES that one should attend; St. Patrick’s Day and Marathon Sunday. The previous two Marathons were either spent in bed with MPH or last year when Ba and “The Lady Killer” came to town.

This year the Asian Fireman and I hung out on First Ave to cheer our friend Stuart who decided to fly across ‘the pond’ and pay good money to run in 5 boroughs. The weather was great for the runners this year. Well aside from the rain but it wasn’t too hot nor too cold. If you have never ran a marathon you probably won’t get what this post means. Hell I wogged (walked & jogged) the Memphis half Marathon about 5 years ago and I hated it. I couldn’t imagine doing 26 miles much less a 5K these days.

Regardless, there were a bunch of significances and noted stories for this year’s marathon. One was the retirement of Meb Keflezighi who is one of the most celebrated US long distance runners in history. Second was the return of Katherine Switzer who was the first woman to run in the Boston Marathon. If you don’t know who she is, go ahead and google her. She is pretty special with regards to women’s rights. Oh and she was running the NYC Marathon at age 71 years young. My 47 year old ass got tired standing there in the rain yesterday.

And finally we were there to celebrate our buddy Stuart who was running on behalf of the MacMillan Charity. Stuart did a fine job yesterday and finished the beast. Also running in the marathon was Jessie who was also a friend of Mrs. Trumpet and mine. Great Job gang! Hope you had a blast and enjoyed the ride!

IMG_2047To say that security was tight is an understatement. We were not allowed to cross the street starting at 8AM and the cops didn’t play.

IMG_2052Here come the ladies. The order of the race is; wheelchair, ladies elite, men’s elite, general masses X5

IMG_2053Blonde haired runner in the middle of the pic, yep that is Shalane Flanagan and she won the women’s elite!

IMG_2058To say that the women were running fast is an understatement.

IMG_2060One of the wheelchair marathoner’s

IMG_2063Here come the Men’s Elite division

IMG_2065Tight Pack of runners, how they didn’t knock into each other I will never understand.

IMG_2066There he is folks, 42 years old and running professionally. He finished 11th this year.

IMG_2068Meb had more press and security around him than anyone! I am glad to say that I saw him run by me at 8mph!

IMG_2084The rain was a pain in the ass but I was ok with the temps

IMG_2090Snapped this pic as to it seemed a strange outfit to run in. Then Katherine Switzer ran by. Obviously he was security, or maybe he liked running in jeans.

IMG_2091How one person can run and still talk is amazing to me. How one who is 70 years old and can finish a marathon is fucking amazing!

IMG_2092#261 was the bib she was wearing when the race organizer tried to remove it from her. Her boyfriend at the time hip checked the race official to the ground. In 1972 Women were allowed to run in Boston.

IMG_2094Lots of St Jude Hero Runners at the Marathon today. Shout out to my good friend Photo Nikki who did a flying trip this weekend to photograph them. I cheered each and everyone of them as they ran by. *Nikki – I hope we get to see you at Christmas!

IMG_2075There goes our friend Jessie in the Blue/Purple Top!

IMG_2102Here comes Stuart!

IMG_2103He doesn’t look like he has run 16 miles does he?

IMG_2106Dude, you are the hero, we are just two shmo’s standing in the rain smoking cigars!

IMG_2113After 2 hours of standing there when Stuart ran by the parade was coming to an end.

IMG_2115Here is the quitter bus. Trust me when I say that if I ever did decide to run this fucker I would be riding in this by the end of the race

IMG_2120 (1)And then there are these 2 assholes!

Congrats to all the runners and finishers!

You mean Pink Flamingo’s signal what?

I admit it openly, I am pretty naïve when it comes to a lot of stuff. Moving up here we have seen things that you quickly learn goes unfazed to a lot of New Yorkers. Case in point the cross dressing jogger of First Avenue. At first, it raised an eyebrow when Mrs. Trumpet and I were heading to our local drinking establishment. Now we worry if we don’t see her jogging in their slinky black dress and running shoes each day. You think that I am bullshitting you? Google First Avenue Cross Dressing Jogger! But don’t do it on your work computer. We need you still employed on Thursday.

A couple of weeks back some of our friends were vacationing in the Redneck Riviera well before our arrival. They posted a picture of some pink flamingos that they put into the sand to mark their beach chairs. Naturally since we had a large group heading with us, I visited Amazon and purchased a set (alcohol may or may not have been involved) for our trip. I posted the picture on Instagram and sent a pic on the group thread that a couple of us were on. Then it happened;

“All Signs Point to Yes” shot me a text on the group thread that his daughter informed them that a pink flamingo was the tale tail sign of swingers and we should watch out. Naturally I called crap and decided to GTS that to confirm. I mean Google is the official Non Fake News outlook of 47 year old men who have been married for 20 years. Sure enough there it was in black and white on my iFoam. “You may be a swinger if you have Flamingos in your front yard, white rocks around your mailbox, a black band on your right hand and some other things.” I passed it off and we kept on putting up the lawn art each morning so that our niece and nephews could find our beach chairs and we didn’t have any incidents. Sorry to disappoint our readers but we didn’t get propositioned but we did get some strange looks. You ever seen a beached whale under a beach umbrella chain smoking cigars? You get my drift.

IMG_1309I mean does this look like the face of a Swinger? Hell I just got enough money to afford those extra chins.

IMG_1277Can’t believe that someone put a Bud Light by our beach chair. The nerve of people!

IMG_1293Day 2 and from my vantage point under the umbrella all was good.

flamingoI promise that a bead of sweat rolled down my face when I started typing in “Are Flamingo’s the sign of a swinger?”

gnomeBut you know what also showed up as the sign of a swinger? Garden Gnomes! Be careful you swingers in Memphis. Exposure to RJ may result in pregnancy. AS – now feel free to judge me!

Keep it light folks and I hope you enjoyed the laugh!

Pictures of the Week – New York Edition

I have way too many good pictures on my iFoam not to share with the class.

IMG_1022Wait till I buy everyone on the NY East team their very own Seersucker suit. Yep even you MLP & work wife.

IMG_1026I understand this is one of the most Instagram’d exhibits next to the “fearless girl” in Lower Manhattan

IMG_0961We broke down and bought a car. We can put it in the closet of apartment when we aren’t using it.

IMG_0957Cubs win the world series last year and now the Yankees are atop the division. Albeit it is the American League but still they are rolling along.

IMG_1015Shout out to my Work Wife, LZ, MLP, UWS Girl, and any anyone else who drinks that crap blush wine. #CarbunkleCares

IMG_0976Got to love the views from the buildings near Central Park

IMG_1005Yeah try to explain this one to me please.

IMG_0996A street fair right outside our apartment door! How Cool is that!

IMG_0981Katie and Bean moved from next door to Brooklyn. Bean (springer spaniel) would come over to get a treat from us and to terrorize Maddy and Maya. They left this for us. They were good people and we will miss them. 

IMG_1032Werk is hard

IMG_1006Wee Fiona made the shopping list for Daddy. Sad thing about it is I bet 10 people on the river during BBQfest wouldn’t have caught it. 

Have a good weekend!

 

Pictures of the Week – Memphis and NYC

This additional duty of doing a daily Corny Lenten Joke and my other job as an amateur tattoo artist is tough on a guy so I apologize for this not getting posted yesterday. Here are some pics that ended up in my phone from last week’s wedding (some I don’t have a clue how they got there) & some I snapped here in Gotham.

img_0395Only in Memphis on Cleveland at Poplar do they have this awning.

img_0396Mommy, why is that strange man who daddy calls Robo taking a picture of me and don’t the courts say that he has to be 50 feet from me? Love me some Lisa Marie (not her real name) and next trip she will be making my bloody Mary’s for me!

img_0397Sure, let’s go to Wet Willies on a Friday afternoon on Beale Street. What could go wrong. Hey Chicken F*cker (I don’t know if she reads this worthless dribble) – remember when you used to get Call A Cab’s delivered to the pool by your minions? It is amazing that you gials graduated from Rhodes and we didn’t go into liver failure.

img_0399Here is where Rocky at Alex’s Tavern and Josh may fight because both say they are the oldest family owned bar/tavern in the city. I am not getting into the middle of this fight, I love both joints.

img_0400So Happy that this place is Non-Smoking now! Great to see Max knocking the cover off of the ball with this joint!

img_0401Big Spoon/Little Spoon – What goes on in Vegas and in Woodlawn stays in Vegas and Woodlawn. #Idonotcarethatyouhaveacramp #youaregoingtodie

img_0405Love me some Melzie W!

img_0432RAB rocking the old department store label!

img_0422Just about to enter the Matrix and show off her Elaine dancing skills. Great to see you A-Cups! You and ‘The Carol’ need to come up again! Just after March 30th!

img_0446So let me get this straight – I fill this out ‘right’ and I won’t be called for jury duty?
But if I fill it out ‘wrong’ then I get picked and get to hang with the troglodytes of New York?
Hey Big Al – What’s your mailing address?

img_0443Happy Fat Tuesday!

img_0447We kept on wondering why Maya was chewing up all of our stuff. Then we realized that she had destroyed all of her toys. A quick trip to Petco and Maya is a happy dog. Maddy – She couldn’t give 2 F*cks!

Have a good weekend!

Well that sucked – CBT survived a Nor’easter

I have said it numerous times; the weather in Dallas on Monday will be the same weather in Memphis on Tuesday and yep you guess it, it will be same in New York on Wednesday. This isn’t going to fit the above model.

Monday morning it was chilly here in New York to say the least. I didn’t really pay attention to the weather because everyone I know was too busy posting crap (pro and con) about the new President. I was heading out the door to meet a client and one of the doormen ask me if I have my umbrella. I ask him why because I had heard a couple times while I was showering; “Get ready for the Nor’easter this afternoon.”  I ask Paul what exactly a Nor’easter is and he tells me that it is rain or snow but with high winds. He failed to mention that it is also ball shrinking cold weather too!

So this afternoon we had some pretty brutal winds in Midtown East and the Upper East Side. Around 3PM we got some rain, I took a conference call at 4 and get done around 5:15. I walk out of the Atrium next to Trump Tower to head home and we have some pretty good rain coming down. Does anyone remember my post about Umbrella’s? I might as well have tacked a fucking sailboat sail to my ass because walking down Madison with an umbrella was useless.

Cutting to the chase, I say goodbye to S squared at 59th & Lex and take the 6 Train back to 68th street. By the time I got home to 1st Ave and 71st I looked like a drowned rat. I make my way into the lobby and one of the doormen looks at me and asks if this was my first Nor’easter. I tell him yes and what gave it away. He told me that it is easier just wearing a rain hat trench coat and rain boots.

So there I survived my first Nor’easter and I am not going to lie, they suck.

noreasterWearing a Puffy Coat and have to deal with an umbrella too? Oh.Hell.No.

windsThey don’t play with the winds up here. Think about Hurricane Elvis but with cold temps too!

il_570xn-613619868_mi29We have another one like yesterday and I am buying this sucker.

img_0226I get this snap from Mary G down in Belize. I hope she gets sand in her shorts.

Have a nice day and stay dry and warm!

 

 

What we do Monday – Friday

I get asked about once a week from people wanting to know if our lifestyle is similar to a “Sex in the City” or “American Psycho” in that we are work crazy hours and then party all night Monday through Friday like it is our job. Sorry to disappoint some of you but nope, it has been quite a long time since we partied till the wee hours in the morning and then made it into work still inebriated….well there was the day after the Cubs winning the World Series Thursday. But I digress, so here in 7 paragraphs or less is what we do in a normal work week.

Monday thru Friday is pretty much get out of bed by 6AM, shower, dogs walked, get out and sell those double decker bus tickets. For Mrs. Trumpet, it is get up at 7 and then she has that shitty commute to the office….all 2 minutes of it. She normally is home by 5sih so we both keep normal hours. On Monday mornings I head into the mid 40’s to one of the satellite offices to take a conference call, get my week organized, and to steal some office supplies. Monday’s are a day that a lot of my coworkers do admin work at home all day and get ready for the week. Eff that if I stayed at home I would still be in my PJ’s so I get my big ass out and get some ish done.

On my way to my territory on Mondays I always swing by St. Patrick’s cathedral on 5th Ave. Even though this isn’t my parish church I consider it close enough. If you have never visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral along the walls in the main sanctuary are individual Saint’s alters or grottos. I make it a point to light a candle at my favorite big 3 alters; St. John Baptist de la Salle, St. Anthony of Padua, and St. Jude the Apostle. I would not categorize myself as an overly religious person but I am a firm believer of Karma and keeping a positive outlook or spirit. I will and always will be respectful of different religions. I believe that you become a better person by opening up yourself to someone while they explain their beliefs to you. Yep, I am getting pretty deep here. Ok, let me pull back some.

During the week, we pretty much come home each night after work, have dinner and chill at our apartment. Tuesday’s momma has class so I get the dog sitter to swing by to walk the monkey heads  (best 25 bucks we spend a week) so I can head over to the Cigar Inn for some early evening ball busting. Other than that, we are homebodies, cook our food delivery meals (Blue Apron, Marley Spoon, or Hello Fresh) and we may go out one night for happy hour.

*This past week was somewhat of an exception. Wednesday night we went to a fundraiser gathering for our work’s designated charity. Big deal you are probably saying, right? Well our fundraiser was a happy hour at a Karaoke Bar in Koreatown!  Sorry  Professor Paul, you can take the guy out of Memphis but you can’t take the Karaoke out of the New Yorker! It does say a lot when you can laugh at someone other than yourself when they try to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon” personally I know that I slayed “Suspicious Minds”.

*Thursday was a simple lunch with clients. We, my international counterpart and I, invited another international rep to join us with our two eye-talian customers. Lunch was great, we handled the objectives, and we got to hang with the owner of AS Monaco FC. *Full Disclosure* The international counterpart (who also is southern, THANK GOD) and I didn’t have a clue who the owner was so we got a pass. But let me tell you, if it were Danny Ford, Steve Spurrier, or Lou Holtz, we would have been all over that.

Fridays are normally reserved for follow up calls, prospecting and finish up the admin work.  Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than having to work on the weekend. *Yes I am looking at you SS, ML, & LZ* Momma and I have a strict rule that we have always adhered to since we moved up here. That rule is simple; If you have to work on the weekend it is fine and acceptable but if yo ass has to work on Sunday-Funday well it better be Effing Huge and Tax Bracket Moving Worthy!!!!

I am sorry but Sundays are for friends and family, I learned that from my visits to Belize many times. I think back to the best times I ever had on San Pedro and it was always with my family and my Belizean sister, Florita, and her family on a Sunday.

st-anthonySt. Anthony’s Alter at St. Patrick’s

Saint Patrick's Cathedral In New York CitySt John Baptist de la Salle’s Alter

st-judeSt Jude’s alter at St. Patrick

1915126_97882114927_1293089_nMy Belizean Sister Florita who now ironically lives in Denver – She looks great as she always does. Me – Who is that fat boated gringo?

st-patricksEntrance at St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Anyway, that is what we do in a week. This upcoming week is going to be a short one so we will be busy from the start. The next weekend, hell I get to put on a monkey suit and go hang out at the Waldorf Astoria.

*These were exceptions for the week.