so going to hell for this one

You mean Pink Flamingo’s signal what?

I admit it openly, I am pretty naïve when it comes to a lot of stuff. Moving up here we have seen things that you quickly learn goes unfazed to a lot of New Yorkers. Case in point the cross dressing jogger of First Avenue. At first, it raised an eyebrow when Mrs. Trumpet and I were heading to our local drinking establishment. Now we worry if we don’t see her jogging in their slinky black dress and running shoes each day. You think that I am bullshitting you? Google First Avenue Cross Dressing Jogger! But don’t do it on your work computer. We need you still employed on Thursday.

A couple of weeks back some of our friends were vacationing in the Redneck Riviera well before our arrival. They posted a picture of some pink flamingos that they put into the sand to mark their beach chairs. Naturally since we had a large group heading with us, I visited Amazon and purchased a set (alcohol may or may not have been involved) for our trip. I posted the picture on Instagram and sent a pic on the group thread that a couple of us were on. Then it happened;

“All Signs Point to Yes” shot me a text on the group thread that his daughter informed them that a pink flamingo was the tale tail sign of swingers and we should watch out. Naturally I called crap and decided to GTS that to confirm. I mean Google is the official Non Fake News outlook of 47 year old men who have been married for 20 years. Sure enough there it was in black and white on my iFoam. “You may be a swinger if you have Flamingos in your front yard, white rocks around your mailbox, a black band on your right hand and some other things.” I passed it off and we kept on putting up the lawn art each morning so that our niece and nephews could find our beach chairs and we didn’t have any incidents. Sorry to disappoint our readers but we didn’t get propositioned but we did get some strange looks. You ever seen a beached whale under a beach umbrella chain smoking cigars? You get my drift.

IMG_1309I mean does this look like the face of a Swinger? Hell I just got enough money to afford those extra chins.

IMG_1277Can’t believe that someone put a Bud Light by our beach chair. The nerve of people!

IMG_1293Day 2 and from my vantage point under the umbrella all was good.

flamingoI promise that a bead of sweat rolled down my face when I started typing in “Are Flamingo’s the sign of a swinger?”

gnomeBut you know what also showed up as the sign of a swinger? Garden Gnomes! Be careful you swingers in Memphis. Exposure to RJ may result in pregnancy. AS – now feel free to judge me!

Keep it light folks and I hope you enjoyed the laugh!

Pictures of the Week – New York Edition

I have way too many good pictures on my iFoam not to share with the class.

IMG_1022Wait till I buy everyone on the NY East team their very own Seersucker suit. Yep even you MLP & work wife.

IMG_1026I understand this is one of the most Instagram’d exhibits next to the “fearless girl” in Lower Manhattan

IMG_0961We broke down and bought a car. We can put it in the closet of apartment when we aren’t using it.

IMG_0957Cubs win the world series last year and now the Yankees are atop the division. Albeit it is the American League but still they are rolling along.

IMG_1015Shout out to my Work Wife, LZ, MLP, UWS Girl, and any anyone else who drinks that crap blush wine. #CarbunkleCares

IMG_0976Got to love the views from the buildings near Central Park

IMG_1005Yeah try to explain this one to me please.

IMG_0996A street fair right outside our apartment door! How Cool is that!

IMG_0981Katie and Bean moved from next door to Brooklyn. Bean (springer spaniel) would come over to get a treat from us and to terrorize Maddy and Maya. They left this for us. They were good people and we will miss them. 

IMG_1032Werk is hard

IMG_1006Wee Fiona made the shopping list for Daddy. Sad thing about it is I bet 10 people on the river during BBQfest wouldn’t have caught it. 

Have a good weekend!

 

Pictures of the Week – Memphis and NYC

This additional duty of doing a daily Corny Lenten Joke and my other job as an amateur tattoo artist is tough on a guy so I apologize for this not getting posted yesterday. Here are some pics that ended up in my phone from last week’s wedding (some I don’t have a clue how they got there) & some I snapped here in Gotham.

img_0395Only in Memphis on Cleveland at Poplar do they have this awning.

img_0396Mommy, why is that strange man who daddy calls Robo taking a picture of me and don’t the courts say that he has to be 50 feet from me? Love me some Lisa Marie (not her real name) and next trip she will be making my bloody Mary’s for me!

img_0397Sure, let’s go to Wet Willies on a Friday afternoon on Beale Street. What could go wrong. Hey Chicken F*cker (I don’t know if she reads this worthless dribble) – remember when you used to get Call A Cab’s delivered to the pool by your minions? It is amazing that you gials graduated from Rhodes and we didn’t go into liver failure.

img_0399Here is where Rocky at Alex’s Tavern and Josh may fight because both say they are the oldest family owned bar/tavern in the city. I am not getting into the middle of this fight, I love both joints.

img_0400So Happy that this place is Non-Smoking now! Great to see Max knocking the cover off of the ball with this joint!

img_0401Big Spoon/Little Spoon – What goes on in Vegas and in Woodlawn stays in Vegas and Woodlawn. #Idonotcarethatyouhaveacramp #youaregoingtodie

img_0405Love me some Melzie W!

img_0432RAB rocking the old department store label!

img_0422Just about to enter the Matrix and show off her Elaine dancing skills. Great to see you A-Cups! You and ‘The Carol’ need to come up again! Just after March 30th!

img_0446So let me get this straight – I fill this out ‘right’ and I won’t be called for jury duty?
But if I fill it out ‘wrong’ then I get picked and get to hang with the troglodytes of New York?
Hey Big Al – What’s your mailing address?

img_0443Happy Fat Tuesday!

img_0447We kept on wondering why Maya was chewing up all of our stuff. Then we realized that she had destroyed all of her toys. A quick trip to Petco and Maya is a happy dog. Maddy – She couldn’t give 2 F*cks!

Have a good weekend!

Well that sucked – CBT survived a Nor’easter

I have said it numerous times; the weather in Dallas on Monday will be the same weather in Memphis on Tuesday and yep you guess it, it will be same in New York on Wednesday. This isn’t going to fit the above model.

Monday morning it was chilly here in New York to say the least. I didn’t really pay attention to the weather because everyone I know was too busy posting crap (pro and con) about the new President. I was heading out the door to meet a client and one of the doormen ask me if I have my umbrella. I ask him why because I had heard a couple times while I was showering; “Get ready for the Nor’easter this afternoon.”  I ask Paul what exactly a Nor’easter is and he tells me that it is rain or snow but with high winds. He failed to mention that it is also ball shrinking cold weather too!

So this afternoon we had some pretty brutal winds in Midtown East and the Upper East Side. Around 3PM we got some rain, I took a conference call at 4 and get done around 5:15. I walk out of the Atrium next to Trump Tower to head home and we have some pretty good rain coming down. Does anyone remember my post about Umbrella’s? I might as well have tacked a fucking sailboat sail to my ass because walking down Madison with an umbrella was useless.

Cutting to the chase, I say goodbye to S squared at 59th & Lex and take the 6 Train back to 68th street. By the time I got home to 1st Ave and 71st I looked like a drowned rat. I make my way into the lobby and one of the doormen looks at me and asks if this was my first Nor’easter. I tell him yes and what gave it away. He told me that it is easier just wearing a rain hat trench coat and rain boots.

So there I survived my first Nor’easter and I am not going to lie, they suck.

noreasterWearing a Puffy Coat and have to deal with an umbrella too? Oh.Hell.No.

windsThey don’t play with the winds up here. Think about Hurricane Elvis but with cold temps too!

il_570xn-613619868_mi29We have another one like yesterday and I am buying this sucker.

img_0226I get this snap from Mary G down in Belize. I hope she gets sand in her shorts.

Have a nice day and stay dry and warm!

 

 

What we do Monday – Friday

I get asked about once a week from people wanting to know if our lifestyle is similar to a “Sex in the City” or “American Psycho” in that we are work crazy hours and then party all night Monday through Friday like it is our job. Sorry to disappoint some of you but nope, it has been quite a long time since we partied till the wee hours in the morning and then made it into work still inebriated….well there was the day after the Cubs winning the World Series Thursday. But I digress, so here in 7 paragraphs or less is what we do in a normal work week.

Monday thru Friday is pretty much get out of bed by 6AM, shower, dogs walked, get out and sell those double decker bus tickets. For Mrs. Trumpet, it is get up at 7 and then she has that shitty commute to the office….all 2 minutes of it. She normally is home by 5sih so we both keep normal hours. On Monday mornings I head into the mid 40’s to one of the satellite offices to take a conference call, get my week organized, and to steal some office supplies. Monday’s are a day that a lot of my coworkers do admin work at home all day and get ready for the week. Eff that if I stayed at home I would still be in my PJ’s so I get my big ass out and get some ish done.

On my way to my territory on Mondays I always swing by St. Patrick’s cathedral on 5th Ave. Even though this isn’t my parish church I consider it close enough. If you have never visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral along the walls in the main sanctuary are individual Saint’s alters or grottos. I make it a point to light a candle at my favorite big 3 alters; St. John Baptist de la Salle, St. Anthony of Padua, and St. Jude the Apostle. I would not categorize myself as an overly religious person but I am a firm believer of Karma and keeping a positive outlook or spirit. I will and always will be respectful of different religions. I believe that you become a better person by opening up yourself to someone while they explain their beliefs to you. Yep, I am getting pretty deep here. Ok, let me pull back some.

During the week, we pretty much come home each night after work, have dinner and chill at our apartment. Tuesday’s momma has class so I get the dog sitter to swing by to walk the monkey heads  (best 25 bucks we spend a week) so I can head over to the Cigar Inn for some early evening ball busting. Other than that, we are homebodies, cook our food delivery meals (Blue Apron, Marley Spoon, or Hello Fresh) and we may go out one night for happy hour.

*This past week was somewhat of an exception. Wednesday night we went to a fundraiser gathering for our work’s designated charity. Big deal you are probably saying, right? Well our fundraiser was a happy hour at a Karaoke Bar in Koreatown!  Sorry  Professor Paul, you can take the guy out of Memphis but you can’t take the Karaoke out of the New Yorker! It does say a lot when you can laugh at someone other than yourself when they try to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon” personally I know that I slayed “Suspicious Minds”.

*Thursday was a simple lunch with clients. We, my international counterpart and I, invited another international rep to join us with our two eye-talian customers. Lunch was great, we handled the objectives, and we got to hang with the owner of AS Monaco FC. *Full Disclosure* The international counterpart (who also is southern, THANK GOD) and I didn’t have a clue who the owner was so we got a pass. But let me tell you, if it were Danny Ford, Steve Spurrier, or Lou Holtz, we would have been all over that.

Fridays are normally reserved for follow up calls, prospecting and finish up the admin work.  Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than having to work on the weekend. *Yes I am looking at you SS, ML, & LZ* Momma and I have a strict rule that we have always adhered to since we moved up here. That rule is simple; If you have to work on the weekend it is fine and acceptable but if yo ass has to work on Sunday-Funday well it better be Effing Huge and Tax Bracket Moving Worthy!!!!

I am sorry but Sundays are for friends and family, I learned that from my visits to Belize many times. I think back to the best times I ever had on San Pedro and it was always with my family and my Belizean sister, Florita, and her family on a Sunday.

st-anthonySt. Anthony’s Alter at St. Patrick’s

Saint Patrick's Cathedral In New York CitySt John Baptist de la Salle’s Alter

st-judeSt Jude’s alter at St. Patrick

1915126_97882114927_1293089_nMy Belizean Sister Florita who now ironically lives in Denver – She looks great as she always does. Me – Who is that fat boated gringo?

st-patricksEntrance at St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Anyway, that is what we do in a week. This upcoming week is going to be a short one so we will be busy from the start. The next weekend, hell I get to put on a monkey suit and go hang out at the Waldorf Astoria.

*These were exceptions for the week.

 

Does yelling “Roll Tide” really mean “I sleep with my cousin?”

Cheap shot but hey, show me a Bama fan who isn’t more obnoxious than a Tennessee fan and I will let you ride my unicorn! Thanks to DD and Martha for putting me up  at the casa de Dewey a couple weeks back. Yes the guest room I slept in was bigger than my apartment, my next door neighbors and 2 more down the hall. It was great to see you and a whole bunch of others.

img_2430Goats, yes those are Goats and that is the residence of the Dean of The Agriculture Department. “DD the only goats I see in NYC are on a spit and roasting by a fire!”

img_2421Great to see my old boss Dean Weber. Oh and DW, you got this! You have put up with more shit than this to knock you down! I will see you in Dallas next year for the A&M game!

img_2427If this was open when I was in college I would have weighed 300 pounds. Granted the 10PM Casa Taco Cheese Dip runs didn’t help my waist line but damnit man!

img_2413Great to see my other boss Dave England and Zim-Bob!

img_2417It still gives give me chills to see this, not to mention to run through it!

img_2414Great to see my friend Pig!

fullsizerender-2Sorry, cheap shot to the Ole Miss fans but hey, I got to take every win where I can!

Great to see everyone and thanks for the hospitality.

 

Tucker’s 50th Anniversary of circling the sun

One of the MoHo’s turned 50 this past summer so a bunch of us headed up to Beantown to see her, some guy named Big Papi and drink a couple Sam Adams beers. It was a good trip. Rather than pretend we didn’t pretty much eat and drink our faces off I will give you the pictures that are PG-13

img_2363Inside Cheers the Bar in Boston

img_2368Oldest Bar in Boston and Sarah

img_2366You got to get a picture of the sign, that is like going to Memphis and not getting a picture of the Grave.

img_2349The Sausage Guy sells exclusively in Fenway Park

img_2354Little Bit Rainy and Cold at Friday’s game

img_2356The Green Monster and the John Hancock Scoreboard. The stadium is very small and reminds me of Wrigley!

img_2357Kathy and Shobo

img_2383Me and Baby Fine Hair!

img_2372It was good to have Scott there to offset the hormones that were a flowing!

img_2379Are we a tad dehydrated?

img_2392Had to get me a Lobster Roll!

img_2373And here is when it went off the rails! Happy Birthday Tucker! We Love Ya!

We will be back to Beantown! Fun times!

 

Bless Your Heart Sir

It is no secret that we live in an apartment provided by Mrs. Trumpet’s employer that they rent to us at a ‘slightly’ reduced rental rate. Living here is great, sure we would love some more square footage but having a doorman really kicks ass. We can order our ass off on Amazon, Jet.com, Hello Fresh, Marley Spoon, and have our booze delivered and signed for from Astor Wine and Spirits and don’t have to worry about being here when they are delivered. The only thing that we have to be here for is deliveries from the Grocery houses (Peapod and Fresh Direct) for the reason that they don’t want to mess with refrigerating everyone’s stuff. The guys are great downstairs and even the Monkey heads have their favorites as “Treat” Pete give Maddy and Maya dog treats after they get done with their walks.

The building has a nice weight room and gym, nursery/kids playroom, resident lounge that we can rent for parties and even an outside space in our courtyard. What  bites is that they frown on cigar smoking so I have to carry my ass over to Central Park or the Cigar Inn for a smoke. We don’t have in apartment washers and dryers but there is a common laundry room on the 5th floor. We chose to do our own laundry for a couple of simple reasons; 1. To carry all that crap downstairs and then pick it up next day is kind of a pain. 2. Do I really want someone touching my skid marked BVD’s? (I got to see if you are still reading) So we opt for the laundry room. This past Sunday morning I was downstairs folding clothes and in walks one of the residents. It goes like this;

The man was walking back and forth with his laundry basket looking for some open machines. The washers are on the bottom and the dryers are on the top and they have 4 industrial machines for heavy stuff. I can see that he is perplexed so I mention to him that the towels in the industrial dryer are about to come out if he needs to use a dryer.

Me – “Sir that machine right there *points to industrial dryer* is about to be done if you need to use it.”
Dude – “Thank you, is that a dryer?”
Me – “Um yes have you already washed your clothes?”
Dude – “I think so, I put it in *points to a dryer* but my clothes don’t really seem clean”
Me – “Sir, you put your clothes in a dryer, you are going to need to put them in a washer *points to washer* to get them clean.”
Dude – “Thank you sir, my wife is out of the country with my kids and I have run out of underwear.”
Me – “Bless your heart sir.” *promptly leaves the laundry room*

I guess that is why they call it medical practice you know?

Have a good day and I bet you a dollar that at least one of my 6 readers will ask their doctor if they know how to do laundry.

 

Pictures of the Week

Long Weekend folks, I think that a picture of my liver is going to be on a milk carton very soon. Between the sunburn, shaking hands and a desire to have something that isn’t smoked it was great seeing everyone this past weekend. I will discuss that later but here are some pictures for my 6 readers. Be careful out there folks it’s Monday.

IMG_5053Will all of you feckers move? I can’t get a good shot of the sunset!

IMG_1738I would rather be a Bama Fan than drink Rose. Yes I am looking at you JAM & LZ.

IMG_1659I may need a little religion after this weekend.

IMG_1739Are you fecking kidding me with these prices?

IMG_1740Sons of Motherless whores, how in God’s name can you charge that for Bologna. I shudder to think what King Cotton Bologna would cost up here.

IMG_1720No this isn’t a crotch shot or me showing off the stems. My buddy FW would appreciate my choice of clothing for the Boogie Down.

IMG_1701Yep, it gets hot up here so Cabbies have to do something to keep us passengers cool.

More later, now I got to catch a train.

 

Poor Planning – Elections in Mexico

What Jackass goes to a foreign country during a general election and has a rule where the sale of alcohol is prohibited while the polls are open? Um that would be me! Thankfully we were able to get my “one” beer per day at the resort and at the beach where they film the Corona ads.

Stop Laughing Cindy & Renita that shit ain’t funny.

IMG_1340I am not saying that my Spanish is rusty but I ‘thought’ that I ordered 6 bottles of beer from room service for our fridge in the room. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw Ramone the Room Service guy holding a tray of this.

IMG_1351Wonder what that sign means in English? It means that Carbunkle Trumpet is a dumb ass for vacationing in Tulum on the 4th and 5th of June.

I will have a proper post later this week, I am kinda in the weeds and am in Email hell.