Upper East Side

What do you do for groceries?

You would be surprised how many times we get asked that question. I swear that some people think that just because we don’t have a car or Kroger in Midtown we are starving up here. Granted we do have a grocery store right across the street but I am not a fan of Anal Rape and don’t like paying 100 bucks for 4 items that should cost 20 bucks in the suburbs.

We do have Fresh Direct and Peapod food delivery services but they don’t carry everything so we are forced to go out to hunt and gather. The Morton Williams across the street is ok for things you need in a pinch but they cost more than Whole Foods or a bodega and I prefer Fairways Grocery. A couple of weeks back my former boss, Ernie Mellor, posted a Grilled Corn and Butter Bean summer salad that we used to enjoy. I was craving that so I decided on Sunday morning I would venture up to E86th Street to get provisions. Now the Fairways is about 18 blocks away and schlepping groceries isn’t the easiest in New York if you don’t have a buggy. I bought one a couple years ago and it is great for carrying stuff to and from.

I jump on the Q to E86th street and thankfully the store wasn’t mobbed as one would normally expect. I credit this to lots of people being out of town and that it was rather early in the morning. I get my groceries and lug my cart back to the apartment and get to work on grilling some corn and make the salad. Dinner was excellent by the way.

IMG_1172Here is the recipe for those of you New Yorkers who wish to have something different.

IMG_1179Here is my little Cart while we wait for the Sunday Subway schedule

IMG_1180Fairly Quiet on E86th Street this morning.

IMG_1181Front of the store on E86th Street

IMG_1182Prepared Fruits Section

IMG_1195I knew that the little clip I picked up at Home Depot would come in handy. I can hang my buggy on the shopping cart.

IMG_1196The Produce Section is killer here.

IMG_1197Anybody need 40 pounds of Garlic?

IMG_1198This joint has a serious Butcher and Fish Monger Station.

IMG_1199Not going to lie there are about 20 different species of fish that I am not familiar with when I come here

IMG_1200A Casino Clam?

IMG_1203Went with Crab Cakes in honor of some former Memphian’s that are now new Baltimorean residents

IMG_1202Oh Look, the Gluten Haters have their own section.  Yep, I am going to take some shit from UWS Holly for this one. I have always poked fun of Gluten Free people and or Vegetarians saying that they were the new Al Qaeda because people used it as the new diet. UWS Holly actually is gluten intolerant and can’t digest it. Personally that sucks because who doesn’t love Jiffy Cornbread? Oh yeah, I am getting a text message for this one.

IMG_1201They love some Goya Canned Vegetables up here. Would it kill you to carry the Glory Brand?

IMG_1210Joker is packed to the gills ready to head back to E71st Street.

IMG_1211Here comes the Q Train

IMG_1212Just one subway stop. There were lots of people heading to Midtown to the Pride Parade

IMG_1213Taking Stairs with this cart is a pain in the ass. Thankfully they have lots of escalators on the new Second Avenue Subway line.

IMG_1214Finished the Corn and Butter Bean Salad (used a different version of cherry tomatoes to give it a different color)

Note to self – You are a fool if you don’t use one of the grocery delivery services for having bottled water, mixers or other heavy ass items delivered to your door.

 

 

 

Conversations of the Rich and Famous in Coffeehouses

When I am not day drinking, smoking cigars or eating food that is bad for me, I have to hold down a full time job. Sadly Mrs. Trumpet hasn’t hit the bigtime and let me be a kept man so each day I put on my suit and head out to work. I sell those bus tickets to the tourists in Times Square *not my real job* and have to keep up with emails and ish like that on my laptop. We have an office in the Garment District but I would rather masturbate with a cheese grater than go there. No I am not being one of those surly people, it is out of my way and I never get anything accomplished when I go there.

Rather than stay in the apartment I like to get out and normally hole up at a satellite office on W45th street. Yes it is still out of my area but I can get work done and steal office supplies and get free coffee. *again not true because they have crappy coffee and shitty pens*  When my schedule requires me to stay well north of E60th Street I normally head to my favorite coffee shop on Lexington and E70th street. I get my double bull espresso and fancy NYC sparking bottled water and bang out work on the laptop at the outside tables.

The people in the UES are interesting folks. Some make more money than God and spend more in HOA fees and mortgages in a month than some people make in a year. What keeps me grounded by living up here is eavesdropping on some of their conversations.  Below are some of the better examples;

Bubbe 1- “Aren’t you worried about this latest outbreak of Legionnaires disease that they found in the water chiller in the UES?”
Bubbe 2 – “I thought that it was in Flint Michigan, we hardly use the water from our apartment for drinking or cooking.”
B 1 – “No the outbreak of Legionnaires is the disease that resembles the flu and can kill you. Not related to the water from the tap.”
B 2 – “You will have to excuse me, I am all verklempt about this Trump thing. My maid is worried she is going to be deported.” *stop laughing this was a true conversation*

Guy 1 – “I swear I am going to murder my wife, you will not believe what she did yesterday.”
Guy 2 – “What did your sweet wife of 40 years do? She didn’t find out that you got that cigar locker at Club Macanudo did she?”
G 1 – “No that is from my discretionary fund, she purchased another pair of those expensive ass shoes that won’t fit because of her orthotics so she will wear them once they will damn near cripple her and will throw them out. I told her not to do that.”
G 2 – “Could be worse, she could have found out that you have 4 cigar lockers all over the city.”

Wife – “What time are we leaving for the summer cottage?”
Husband – “I told you that the car is picking us up this afternoon at 3 so we can be at the Wall Street Heliport by 3:30.”
Wife – “Can we go a little later, I have a hair appointment and this will rush me.”
Husband – “If we don’t leave then we will get stuck in air traffic for all those people heading to the Hamptons.” *Not sure where they have their house but I am figuring it is somewhere in Connecticut*
Wife – “I guess I can hurry, I hate it when you get like this.”

So have a good weekend because my poor ass is going to probably text my work wife and see if we can come crash her beach party on Long Island and drink some cold beer.

Pictures of the Week – New York Edition

I have way too many good pictures on my iFoam not to share with the class.

IMG_1022Wait till I buy everyone on the NY East team their very own Seersucker suit. Yep even you MLP & work wife.

IMG_1026I understand this is one of the most Instagram’d exhibits next to the “fearless girl” in Lower Manhattan

IMG_0961We broke down and bought a car. We can put it in the closet of apartment when we aren’t using it.

IMG_0957Cubs win the world series last year and now the Yankees are atop the division. Albeit it is the American League but still they are rolling along.

IMG_1015Shout out to my Work Wife, LZ, MLP, UWS Girl, and any anyone else who drinks that crap blush wine. #CarbunkleCares

IMG_0976Got to love the views from the buildings near Central Park

IMG_1005Yeah try to explain this one to me please.

IMG_0996A street fair right outside our apartment door! How Cool is that!

IMG_0981Katie and Bean moved from next door to Brooklyn. Bean (springer spaniel) would come over to get a treat from us and to terrorize Maddy and Maya. They left this for us. They were good people and we will miss them. 

IMG_1032Werk is hard

IMG_1006Wee Fiona made the shopping list for Daddy. Sad thing about it is I bet 10 people on the river during BBQfest wouldn’t have caught it. 

Have a good weekend!

 

Weber, My Shit be Broke!

Sorry for the vulgarity this early in the morning, I had to quote former All American “Big” Freddie Childress.

Welp it was bound to happen. 47 year old feet supporting a svelte 175 pound frame that is averaging about 5 miles a day walking in Manhattan and something has to give. I started having some ‘heel’ pain about a month ago and was hoping that it was just plantar fasciitis and not something worse like a stress fracture. I limp around the UES for a couple days until the pain was so great that I had to find a podiatrists who specialized in sports medicine. That is the great thing about New York, there are more podiatrists in Manhattan than there are Irish bars and I now understand why.

When we moved from Memphis to Gotham our mileage went from 0 to about 4 miles a day and there was little to no ‘ease in’ period. If you aren’t wearing shoes that are designed for walking then you are asking for trouble. When BD & SD were in town B was telling me how he wore a pair of leather soled shoes to make sales calls on a trip up here. The next morning he awoke with shin splints. Anyway after almost 2 years of living up here my right foot finally gave out and the tire went flat.

I meet with Doc B and he is one of the podiatrists who is on staff for the NY Knicks. Apparently basketball players have this ailment all the time. Doc looks at me and tells me that rest (yeah like that can happen) is the best treatment but I will have to undergo Physical Therapy. Pretty much that is Ultrasound, deep tissue massage, exercises and a tape job. He fits me for some orthotics and sends me on my way. Now for you Memphians who are wondering what the big deal is having plantar fasciitis is for a guy who walks instead of driving to make sales calls. Try driving your car with 4 fucking flat tires. This shit hurts!

ds00508_im00939_r7_fasciitisthu_jpg

Here is what happens when you suffer with this ailment. AKA This shit hurts each and every step.

 

IMG_1018Waiting for my time in the chair!

IMG_1020Don’t worry this won’t hurt me one bit

IMG_1019The Bad Wheel, it would cost too much to cut it off according to the doc

IMG_1021It only cost me a small fortune for these things and they make my feet feel worse till they get broke it.

IMG_1023Tape Job while I am walking around the city. It helps but still this stuff hurts

Have a good weekend. I still have a bunch of posts that I need to work on over the weekend. I will do better.

Memphians – Be careful what you wish for! #carbunkletrumpetcares

This post is for all of you who would bitch on Social Media about how Memphis should bury their electric lines underground rather than put on telephone poles. Shout out to a couple of you who asked if I was really dead because I hadn’t penned anything in a while. Ironic that my first post back from my 2 week hiatus is about something that could make me ‘join the choir invisible.”  Do you recall when I talked about the FIVE THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN NYC well I seemed to have forgotten about one. What in the hell am I talking about here you wonder…….the ole NYC exploding Manhole cover. For those of you who do have power in Memphis let me explain what makes manhole covers explode in the summer.

New York is famous for putting everything underground; subway, electric, gas, fiber optics, dead bodies and sewer. As you can imagine with the street vibration both above and if you are lucky to live under the 4-5-6 line below will jostle things loose. Add rats chewing on electric lines, the salt and brine from the winter snow storms and you have some exposed power lines. Now that it is getting warmer in the city people are starting to use Gold Bond air conditioning more and the power demand is starting to spike and those cables below ground are starting to get warm. If you are one of those lucky tourists whom have ever gathered at the Times Square subway station you may have gotten a whiff of that wonderful NYC aroma. EDITORS NOTE – It is always funny to listen to tourists try to describe the smell they encounter at a subway station. Nobody has the heart to tell them that it is probably urine or poop.

So you have a brine soaked, overworked and frayed electric line below ground, you also have all kinds of gasses that are accumulating below ground and then there is a spark of electricity and BOOM! Thankfully the infrastructure below ground is pretty solid so at some point there has to be a relief valve or escape for this explosion. Hey is that a 90 pound manhole cover? Lets see how high we can blow that fucker into the air!! From what I understand there are some warning signs that New Yorker’s pay attention to. One is a manhole cover that is unusually warm or ‘hissing’. Yeah you want to stay the hell away from that joker, she can blow at anytime. Next is the manhole cover who is smoking like it spent Sunday at the Cigar Inn. You want to avoid that one at all cost because as they say, where there is smoke there is fire.

So last week I was heading over to pick up my dry cleaning and I notice one of those evil Bilco doors that was “catawampus” so I naturally took a picture of it and posted it on Instagram. As I head home I see the Engine 39 and Ladder 16 FDNY boys at the corner of 72nd and 1st Ave. I ask Pete what is up and he tells me that a Manhole cover exploded when an SUV was driving over it.  Naturally my first question was that everyone was ok and then asked if a pair of shorts was needed because the driver soiled his shorts.

IMG_1004That shiny building on the right. Yep that is Casa de Carbunkle! I texted Mr. 3 first names and the Asian Fireman to see if they were nearby. The answer was negative but as one of them told me “you should see when a manhole cover blows 30 feet in the air”

exploding-manhole-boomThis scares me that they actually have a graphic for this.

IMG_0972Con Ed Guys cutting out all the burned wire from the wiring harness. Smells like crap too!

IMG_0971No we are not electing a new pope this is to relieve the heat and pressure below

Taxi-Manhole-Explosion-NYCIt is all fun and games till a manhole cover blows and takes out a yellow cab.

 

Hope you have a good Monday and for those of you still without power at your home hang in there. I guess my readers who say that Memphis “should bury all their power lines” now may be rethinking that comments.

 

 

Is it a Sub, Hero, Hoagie, Grinder or Sandwich?

Made a trip to Atlantic City this past weekend to see “The Neighbor” and her husband. We also had a brief appearance by “The Gay Coke Dealer” for a one and done Friday night. We had a great time and on leaving AC we decided to grab some Subs at the world famous White House. I called the order in at 11AM to be ready at 2PM and I am glad I did. The story is that the doors opened in October 1946 and have been serving the New Jersey Submarine sandwiches ever since.

We opted for the Original and a Cheesesteak with and added sweet peppers. I walked into the joint and it is packed tighter than Dick’s Hatband. Between people waiting for table service, to go orders there isn’t much room to move around. I ask the waitress where I go for call in orders and she tells me to head to the back by the walk in freezer. I go back there but I am stuck in the ‘Go Order’ line and ask again. Literally I had to go into the kitchen to get my order. I tell them my name and they hand me two baseball bats wrapped in paper.

We make our way home and after some beers at Iggy’s we decide that it is time for the Subs. Even cold they sandwiches were unbelievable and the Bread…..Oh the Bread that my friends is what makes this a great sandwich.

IMG_0827Homeslice wasn’t too crazy that I was taking pictures but I told them that I knew the Gay Coke Dealer and all was forgiven.

IMG_0836You can’t understand how big this sucker is by this angle.

IMG_0835I had to get out the Stanley Black and Decker Tape Measure for this.

IMG_0837This is about 6 inches of the Original for us to eat. Knock it off Nova – I know what you are going to say.

IMG_0838The Philly and Here is when I realized they forgot to include the Sweet Peppers.

IMG_0839We still have plenty of sandwiches to eat the rest of the week.

Thanks to the Neighbor and her welfare receiving husband for a great time and we will see you again soon. As far as the Margate Dad…..You know that I still love you!

 

 

I have to come clean to my Memphis Readers

*Fade in to a large room with people sitting on folding chairs in a circle*
“Hello, my name is Carbunkle Trumpet and I am now a New York Rangers Hockey Fan.”
“Hello Carbunkle Trumpet!”

I guess I am going to have to call my mother and father and break the news to them that their first born has officially turned. I hope my dad takes it gently. I know that he had high hopes for me. My Mother, she will be devastated. For you 9 readers, this is what happens to Memphis Grizzlies fans when they get bounced from the first round of the playoffs.

Lets go back to when the Hockey bug started in me. It was back two January’s ago when I attended my first Hockey Game in MSG and it was AMAZING! Then I started to watch the games periodically when I was hanging with the boys at the Cigar Inn. This winter, I would find myself at the Cigar joint when the Rangers were on and I started to watch it out of the corner of my eye. Doc would sit in front of the big screen and would add commentary and I would pick up a couple of pointers. 

Then I started following @NYRangers on Twitter and picked up more useless information. Next thing I knew what icing was (I thought it was the stuff on a cake) and even recognized offsides. When the Grizzlies were playing the Spurs we noticed that when the Grizz were on the same night as the Rangers they both won. I even had the boys put the Grizz game on one of the smaller TV’s (if the Mets or Yankees were off) and started getting some traction on my claim of double wins.

The Grizz were eliminated and Tuesday night I was sitting at the Cigar Inn and started to realize that I was into it. I really was starting to recognize shots on goals, line changes, dirty plays and even power plays. It came to me last night when I was sitting there and even knew what time the game started,  who the Rangers were playing and who was leading the series. When Oscar Lindberg scored the second goal in the second period I yelled out in jubilation. My friend Alex was quick to bust my chops;
“Oh you are a Rangers fan now? I don’t know if I can stomach someone with a Southern accent cheering for a New York team. Knock that shit off!”

So there you go. The series is tied up and we head back to Ottawa (don’t ask me where the F that is) for Game 5. I may paint my chest this Saturday. Just make sure someone checks on my folks. They are probably grieving that their son has turned to the dark side.

IMG_0706Getting ready for Game 3

Anne-Burrell-Attending-the-New-York-Rangers-Game--03-300x420I can’t believe that I am cheering for the same team as she is. I am sure that Grainbin Girl is spitting her coffee out right now.

5rJUyyNz_400x400How sweet will it be when I text Pucci asking her “Who has the Cup?” when the Blue Shirts win Lord Stanley’s Cup but I fear that “Costa Reaper” may disown me for not cheering for his Left Coast Team.

IMG_0765I even have Fecking Gear now! This won’t bode well with my Memphis Buddies…..at all!

Memphis Parents, start paying attention to what your kids are watching. There may still be hope for them.

In the Meantime – LETS GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!

 

“I would rather go to Afghanistan than to see Eddie Money with you.”

Relax to some new of my FB friends who we met down in the DR. *who am I kidding, nobody reads this shit* Carbunkle doesn’t kiss and tell. For you 9 readers who have wondered where the hell I have been, we just returned from a quick trip to the Dominican Republic. We went down with some friends from PA and some of their invited guests. We had a blast and look forward to seeing them again at the Philly BBQ Bash this summer.

I had decided that I wasn’t going to snap a lot of pictures this trip for a couple reasons. First of all I needed a mental break. Secondly, other than S&K and Virgil I didn’t know anyone else in the group. I mean, they love that I sell tour bus tickets to tourists in the UES but someone may lose their shit like if they just found out that their child was on the roof of their home if I posted some proprietary stuff from that weekend. Here are a couple pics that I did snap.

IMG_0736Yes we are New Yorkers, Yes we are in the Dominican Republic, Yes those are Bud Red Top Beers, Stop yelling KLC Man. The Presidentes were hot that morning.

IMG_0741No I was not vacationing with the owners of the Kooky Canucks, this little fella starting drinking on Thursday morning and got more obnoxious every hour since then and hadn’t stopped. *picture taken on Sunday afternoon. #Blessyourheart #nahGoFeckYourselfdude

IMG_0740Laugh all you want at my drink but I saw these take down the ticket holder of some Eddie Money tickets late this week.

IMG_0739Overachiever Alert!

IMG_0738They didn’t have Shrimp Sticks or Sushi on Thursdays.

IMG_0743Remember the pic of the Canadian Maple Leaf towards the top? Here is his girlfriend who wanted to celebrate her 30th on the 30th in the DR. I don’t see her making it to her 40th. #blessyourheart

I will do better, I gave my work wife my Met Gala Passes since we didn’t get back till late on Monday. Hopefully she has some great pics.

 

Spring has sprung in NYC

Happy Easter Spud! No I am not going to divulge the meaning or circumstances of that statement on this blog. No doubt that Mr. Flowered Man Bag is cleaning off of his laptop because he spewed coffee all over it. Another time folks.  We have officially kicked Old Man Winter to the curb here in Manhattan. Goodbye Puffy Coat, hello Blue and White Seersucker suit and white bucks.

For those of you Memphians who have already reapplied Gold Bond a dozen times and or had the boys from Conway Services work on your air conditioner allow me to bring you up to speed. Here in New York we don’t really say that it is spring until it is after Easter and they take down the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Plaza. This past Sunday was Easter if you didn’t see the dozen “He has Risen” (I thought everybody was making soufflés for Easter Dinner) posts on Facebook and today they melt the ice in the plaza to make way for alfresco dining.

What does that mean to this former Memphian who is considering becoming a fan of the Brooklyn Nets because they already have low expectations you ask? This means that we dodged another Winter Death Bullet that the Northeast typically gets. I recall 3 years back when I was drinking Ice Cold Bud Light Iced Tea at BBQ Fest with the Asian Fireman and he was telling me about the 25+ days of below freezing weather they had that winter. I mean, I bitch when it is 40 and the wind is blowing. Can you imagine me when it is below freezing for more than 3 days? One of the docs that I smoke cigars sums it up perfectly with when he told us why he takes so many vacations in the winter. “I have everything I need up here; I have a Penthouse apartment in the city, I have a summer house on the shore but the weather up here is lousy. That is why I shag ass below the 16th latitude.” By the way, we made Doc pay for our cigars that day……what an asshole.

So to my fellow Memphians, enjoy spring and the spring festivals. To my Belizean buddies, enjoy some quiet time after the Easter parties and get read for Lobster fest. And to you Nova and KLC Man, enjoy that frozen snow till July 4th when you have 2 weeks of your summer!

IMG_0691Couples Skate is over kids!

IMG_0685No I didn’t steal this from LZ, I went to mass on Easter Sunday with EGP. If you don’t believe me ask her.

IMG_0653Good Friday I stepped up my Game with a bowtie. I think I may shake some shit up here this summer. First I need a Brooks Brothers Boating Straw hat.

IMG_0692Maya was very happy when I told her that there wouldn’t be anymore winter and she would have to scrape ass over the snow.

FullSizeRenderBB (Baltimore Bjorksu) told me that she was disappointed that her new city didn’t embrace pastels on Easter. I told her that next year she should bring her butt up here. New York makes a spectacle out of everything. Behold the Easter Bonnet Parade up 5th Ave. *photo borrowed from ahealthysliceofpai*

I may be ok with Gold Bond Usage till mid May folks. In other words, don’t buy long on the Gold Bond Stock.

Pictures of the Week

Here are some random pictures I had on my iFoam.

IMG_0540For my birthday I asked my mom for a new Winter/Snow/NorEaster Coat. Sucks to be old when you ask for adult stuff.

IMG_0552Here ya go Scoop! The original location in Chelsea.

IMG_0546Pay no attention to the Turkey Neck. I was rocking the 3pc last week.

IMG_0547Getting ready for Passover

FullSizeRenderMemphians would $hit on themselves at the sticker shock of a PBR.

IMG_0535His mother must have been a pack Mule

IMG_0549First Bud Light I had in over 24 days. It was a good one!

Keep it light and have a good day!