You heard it here first when they throw my arse in the jail

CBT Breaks His Own Rule

Forgive me Lord, I took a bunch of food pictures this past weekend. And to make matters worse, I am now about to blog about it. I know that Ashley B is probably laughing her head off right now but yes, I am breaking Robo Rule #1. Anyway here are the pics of the wonderful food that we ate this past weekend and Shout Out to my favorite brown Belizean who would sent me ugly Snapchat messages all weekend long.

IMG_2162Half Dozen were killed within 3 minutes of arrival

IMG_2163How about that for a Lobstah Roll?

IMG_2165Lobster Eggs Benedict and Bacon – Sorry Brother Sam but this is defiantly not allowed

IMG_2179Half Dozen and had to have a Red Rocket since they were out of Bud Light. S/O to Ernie Mellor!

IMG_2181Lobster Mac and Cheese – You starting to hate me Mary?

IMG_2187Shit, we ate them so fast they didn’t even get an ‘Ashley’ picture!

IMG_2186Seriously we ate us some great seafood this weekend!

IMG_2189Bacon Lettuce Tomato and Lobster Roll!

IMG_2190Lobster Bisque

IMG_2197“We will have a dozen Oysters”
“Um sorry sir but we only have 5 oysters left in the house”
“Well ok then, giddy up!”

So do you still hate me Mary? Oh and for the record, I had me a salad for lunch on Monday and plenty of water!

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Careful what you say…

A friend of mine had tweeted on their twitter feed that their employer had made them remove a tweet as they had mentioned the company name and this was a no-no. We have a couple friends who despise with a passion Facebook in that people are stupid to post personal things that can lead to them getting in trouble. This begs the question how effing stupid do you have to be to get fired or expelled from school for putting on your facebook. I mean if you post “I effing hate XXX, or I hope the school blows up!” or “I got so shitfaced, I hope I can fool the boss that I am not still drunk” you deserve to get fired or kicked out.
Now if you are a friend of mine on Facebook you will notice that every day is a carnival inside my head as who wants to hear what I had for breakfast or that I will be working for the next 8 hours at X. I mean that shit is boring, anyway anything that has a button where you can [Poke] someone you have to smile. A couple of my attorneys friends (not here mind you) tell me that they have clients who have posted pics of them trashed or passed out on Facebook or MySpace and it is like taking candy from a baby.
The latest toy that is on my iFoam is Foursquare and Loopt as this is the ultimate stalking tool. You actually ‘check in’ at various location in Memphis and if you are there enough you become Mayor. Currently I am mayor of Bar 595, Costco, the Corkscrew, Luchessi’s Pasta and my favorite Cash and Carry and it is a novelty but seriously folks you better be careful with this. I mean here it is 2AM on a school night and you are checking in at a bar and if your boss or someone else found out….not good anyway you know what Momma Kasaftes used to say “Nothing good happens after midnight”
One thing that I do like about twitter is depending on who you follow you can find out information WAY faster than ever and let’s say that Kentucky is getting beat by South Carolina and you are watching network TV, boom you get to see Cashapari go down in flames in Cockland! You can also ‘stalk’ celebrities or in the case of Tila Tequila you can actually watch someone go down the tubes. Also the ‘fake’ celebrities are a hoot as Not-Jay Cutler is a guy that I want to party with.

Anyway this is a good mantra that you crazy kids and your rock and roll may need to follow;
Post something that should stay a ‘thought bubble’ on Facebook – Get fired in a week.
Post something that should stay a ‘thought bubble on Twitter – Get fired in a day.
Check in to a bar at 3AM on a school night when you have a big meeting the next day – Get fired before you even wake up!

Ok time for me to get out of my work thong and into something more comfortable

TTK!

Whew dodged another bullet yesterday!

So my sister calls me and you know it isn’t good when she says “Do you know what your nephew said today at school?” That is when your first thought is “aww Shit No younger sister what did my Angelic God Child say today at School?” Well it seems that someone (I promise it wasn’t me) informed young J-Bob that the President was a bad man because of his stance on whatever issue (again not me!) this person disagreed with. J-Bob informed his school teacher of this and now someone (Thank God it wasn’t me) is in time out because of this.
Now if J-Bob walks up to his teacher and says “Hola Chicka” and then sticks out his tongue and flicks it back and forth then Uncle Carbunkle Trumpet will probably be writing “I will not tell my nephew to make bad comments.” a hundred times on the blackboard at his school.

I think I am going to send another case of the finest Scotch to my urologist who preformed my vasectomy!

Don’t you just love the little bastard kid!
TTK!

Can I get a F’ing Do-Over? (Adult Content!)

Sorry but I am going to have to break from my traditional satirical scribblings and just ask out loud “I am the only Fucking person who thinks that there is something majorly wrong with these pictures?” Let me begin as I am now 5 days back at work from being in Belize and yesterday afternoon I finally had to take some advil as the vein in my neck was bulging. For those of you who do not live here in Memphis feel free to fast forward to the bottom or you can read along with the rest of the class but let me give you a little Memphis Politic 101.

Our mayor is an incumbent 5th term mayor who used to do a lot for the downtown area in terms of encouraging development then he realized that he looked good in a mirror and stopped playing mayor. Now he plays games with the media, makes threats, probably is crooked, had a child out of wedlock, has threatened city council members, gave jobs to friends who didn’t know their head from a Fing hole in the ground and now announced he is going to run for congress. While we were in Belize he announced that he was retiring from the position of Mayor (he did that before – btw) effective at the end of this week. I of course doubted and you know what he reneged and says he will retire at the end of the month. In my opinion he is a joke of a mayor and makes Memphis look like a joke of a city.

Then you have a city council woman who blasts her fellow members yesterday defending the mayor and (played so many times before) then plays the race card. Janice honey let me tell you a little secret – I don’t care if my elected officials are black, white, green, Mexican, shoots ping pong balls out of their ass or sucks dick in the bathroom stalls of adult movie theaters! I just want my elected official to act like a professional, represent their district and turn this cesspool of a city around. Oh and today for those of you who live outside of Memphis she was indited on not 1, not 2 but 3 DUI’s and driving on a suspended licence. I bet Councilwoman Fullilove’s constituents really are happy today!

Then as I am heading to lunch, I hear that Jerry “the King” Lawyer has announced he is running for the soon to be (sure and I have a bridge to sell you) mayoral seat. I will have to see his stance but a man who sits at a WWE wrestling ring and refers to women’s breasts as Puppies really should not be my mayor! Sorry Jerry you may have put Memphis on the map for wrestling but leave it there please!

Ok as I am fixing to go in and enjoy my 3 martini lunch I get a call from the office as our credit manager has placed one of my “A” accounts on credit hold for a past due invoice. I ask the CM how much the amount is and how past due they are as this is the first time I have ever heard of this customer having a problem paying. Well the CM informs me that the invoice is in the 90 day category and the amount is 4.68….. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN – FOUR DOLLARS AND SIXTY EIGHT CENTS PAST FUCKING DUE! I ask this person if we can let this slide as with this customer being on Credit hold we are going to piss them off like no one’s business. The Credit Manager almost tries to give me some grief and then I go frikkin Postal and the last thing I yelled into the cell phone at the top of my lungs was that I would cover it with the change that is in my car ashtray or give her my first born poodle. I mean to hold up an account for something that I bet is our fault with the way we coded a credit or a core charge and they do close to a mil a year with us….She is too dumb to wipe her own butt! (my hands are still shaking I might add)

And finally last night the news announced that a baby elephant was born at the Memphis zoo and that mother and child were doing fine and there would be a contest to name her. Well I found out that the baby elephant died this morning….

Can’t we get a freaking break????

Sorry for the rant but I actually feel a little bit better.

TTK! (not you Jerry it is to Elvis!)

It is a good thing I am not packing heat down here

Quick post since I am on ‘borrowed wi-fi’ I will post pics when/if I return. So we were having a drink at La Playa (crappy ugly bar that is hot, overpriced, and too far from our hotel) and we meet this 13 year old kid who would appear to act like a 30 year old. We ask him where he is from and the traditional 20 questions that you exchange and it appears that his parents are missionary trainers (the religious kind folks) and as luck would have it, he is in Belize doing that type of work. Now if you look up to my title post and you probably are asking yourself “Carbunkle you hit your head or jump a little too much into the One barrel last night?”
Scroll down and let me know if you don’t agree with me….

The little B@stard lives on one of two (yep two folks) 40 foot catamaran’s and they sail the world doing this type of work!!!!! He hasn’t been on US soil for 6 months and that was just to get supplies!!!
I will post pics of the boat when I get home.

Ok here are the pics of the catamarans and it looked like they were on a schedule because 2 days after I posted that they took off for probably another crappy location.

Can’t really see them that well but let me assure you they were nice

TTK!

Wiskey Dents and Table Tents

Ok, this is entry is gong to get a new tag as this is now going to be filed under “you heard it here first when they throw my arse in jail” as this one is an ambulance chasers wet dream. Today is Wednesday which means hat Carbukle has to get his Power ball lottery ticket as the jackpot is over 42 Mil and considering my 401K is in the shitterer , why not let’s get two for good measure. As I am backing out of the parking spot, I have to cut it very hard to the right as there is a car that is blocking everyone and while this is going on a car pulls up into the parking spot on my left and guess what happens. That’s right my 2002 GMC Yukon XL wants to get a little kissy kissy with an Acura something! Now I don’t really feel anything (why should I) but realize I may have touched bumpers and look around and here is a gentleman who I guess is close to my age getting out of the car looking at me. I put it into park and immediately look at his rear passenger side and don’t see any major damage so I am breathing a little easier. I get out and look at my car and sure enough Modine (that’s what I call the ole girl) has a touch of white paint on the shiny corner of the driver’s side bumper.
I walk up to his car and he immediately says that we need to exchange insurance information and I ask him is there any damage to his car and we both look, then we look closer, closer, and yes there is what I call a “No Blood – No Foul” mark on his rear quarter panel and he goes into a slight hissy fit about needing my information. I then think that I have struck Cameron Fry’s father (name that movie for extra bonus points) who wipes his car down with a diaper but then I look all over his car and it has whisky dents/shopping cart dings all over this thing so this isn’t the only scratch on the ole girl, she has been through some battles. I then ask the gentleman if he really wants to do insurance or lets see if this thing can be buffed out and I can pay for that service.
EDITOR’S NOTE – I work in an industry that I want stuff to break and to get damaged as I sell parts and service to maintain this equipment. I have seen major body damage done to a piece of equipment and give my painter/repair guys some spit, bubble gum, crazy glue, paint and bondo and it looks like nothing happened. This is so easy to repair, I think that I could do it with a high speed buffer and some rubbing compound.
Now this is where this gentleman now goes to the status of Junior Mint in that he tells me that this this is more than a buff it out and it will need to go to the shop and I finally say that’s fine, let’s exchange info and I will call the police to file a report. Now I get a little bit of back peddle as he doesn’t want to call the police and the truth of the matter, neither do I (I know STUPID on my part) so I say ok, give me your info and drivers licence and I will give you mine and we can copy the info we need. We do this and I pull out my digital camera and start taking pictures of his car and the ‘damage’ and I get a little bit of “why are you taking pictures” to which I reply that I am simply covering all of my bases. Needless to say I get a little bit more resistance and now Junior Mint is losing credit very fast. I ask him if he is planning on taking this to have it buffed out and he tells me that he has a cousin who has a car wash service and I inform him that I will need to have him take to to a national chain that accepts credit cards as I will need to document this on my work car expenses (a bull$hit excuse but what does he know) so he will let me know who he takes it to.
We finish up and I give him his stuff and I head home right around the corner and then I get that feeling that I should have called the cops so I call my insurance company claim office and make a report. Now the lady who I am talking to is a rather unhappy lady who must be sitting in some cubical in Providence Rhode Island and she is quite perturbed when I inform her that Junior Mint and I are going to try to work this out amongst ourselves. She then asks me “why are you filling out a report” and I tell her that I have a feeling that we have a neck injury and the car needs major rear end work done and then when I call you to file this report a week later I will get “why didn’t you call us the moment it happened” she then laughed and took my information.
I look back in hindsight and if this were an elderly driver, a young adult or a female I would have probably have said sure, let’s call the cops here, let’s exchange information and never mentioned let’s try to see if we can do this without insurance and make the insurance company be the bad guy. I suspect that this dude is going to create a stink, make a mountain out of a molehill and probably thinks that he is going to get his car simonized on my insurance. Not today Junior Mint, I may have been born at night but not last night.

I will let you know how Carbunkle Trumpet versus the “It’s so easy a Cave Man can do it!” Insurance company goes.

Oh and here are the pics of the car and the damage that I did and the last two are of Modine and the flesh wound.

Can you see anything? Look at the top seam near the wheel
Got close up and it took you be the judge

Rear bumper didn’t take but there is a small scratch
Modine’s love mark (that I can’t wipe off because if it goes to the adjuster he has to report something) it is the white part on the red (I think)

The other side where I did some damage to Momma’s BMW (that was on her birthday and it cost me over a G to get her car fixed 2 years ago)

TTK!

Wiskey Dents and Table Tents

Ok, this is entry is gong to get a new tag as this is now going to be filed under “you heard it here first when they throw my arse in jail” as this one is an ambulance chasers wet dream. Today is Wednesday which means hat Carbukle has to get his Power ball lottery ticket as the jackpot is over 42 Mil and considering my 401K is in the shitterer , why not let’s get two for good measure. As I am backing out of the parking spot, I have to cut it very hard to the right as there is a car that is blocking everyone and while this is going on a car pulls up into the parking spot on my left and guess what happens. That’s right my 2002 GMC Yukon XL wants to get a little kissy kissy with an Acura something! Now I don’t really feel anything (why should I) but realize I may have touched bumpers and look around and here is a gentleman who I guess is close to my age getting out of the car looking at me. I put it into park and immediately look at his rear passenger side and don’t see any major damage so I am breathing a little easier. I get out and look at my car and sure enough Modine (that’s what I call the ole girl) has a touch of white paint on the shiny corner of the driver’s side bumper.
I walk up to his car and he immediately says that we need to exchange insurance information and I ask him is there any damage to his car and we both look, then we look closer, closer, and yes there is what I call a “No Blood – No Foul” mark on his rear quarter panel and he goes into a slight hissy fit about needing my information. I then think that I have struck Cameron Fry’s father (name that movie for extra bonus points) who wipes his car down with a diaper but then I look all over his car and it has whisky dents/shopping cart dings all over this thing so this isn’t the only scratch on the ole girl, she has been through some battles. I then ask the gentleman if he really wants to do insurance or lets see if this thing can be buffed out and I can pay for that service.
EDITOR’S NOTE – I work in an industry that I want stuff to break and to get damaged as I sell parts and service to maintain this equipment. I have seen major body damage done to a piece of equipment and give my painter/repair guys some spit, bubble gum, crazy glue, paint and bondo and it looks like nothing happened. This is so easy to repair, I think that I could do it with a high speed buffer and some rubbing compound.
Now this is where this gentleman now goes to the status of Junior Mint in that he tells me that this this is more than a buff it out and it will need to go to the shop and I finally say that’s fine, let’s exchange info and I will call the police to file a report. Now I get a little bit of back peddle as he doesn’t want to call the police and the truth of the matter, neither do I (I know STUPID on my part) so I say ok, give me your info and drivers licence and I will give you mine and we can copy the info we need. We do this and I pull out my digital camera and start taking pictures of his car and the ‘damage’ and I get a little bit of “why are you taking pictures” to which I reply that I am simply covering all of my bases. Needless to say I get a little bit more resistance and now Junior Mint is losing credit very fast. I ask him if he is planning on taking this to have it buffed out and he tells me that he has a cousin who has a car wash service and I inform him that I will need to have him take to to a national chain that accepts credit cards as I will need to document this on my work car expenses (a bull$hit excuse but what does he know) so he will let me know who he takes it to.
We finish up and I give him his stuff and I head home right around the corner and then I get that feeling that I should have called the cops so I call my insurance company claim office and make a report. Now the lady who I am talking to is a rather unhappy lady who must be sitting in some cubical in Providence Rhode Island and she is quite perturbed when I inform her that Junior Mint and I are going to try to work this out amongst ourselves. She then asks me “why are you filling out a report” and I tell her that I have a feeling that we have a neck injury and the car needs major rear end work done and then when I call you to file this report a week later I will get “why didn’t you call us the moment it happened” she then laughed and took my information.
I look back in hindsight and if this were an elderly driver, a young adult or a female I would have probably have said sure, let’s call the cops here, let’s exchange information and never mentioned let’s try to see if we can do this without insurance and make the insurance company be the bad guy. I suspect that this dude is going to create a stink, make a mountain out of a molehill and probably thinks that he is going to get his car simonized on my insurance. Not today Junior Mint, I may have been born at night but not last night.

I will let you know how Carbunkle Trumpet versus the “It’s so easy a Cave Man can do it!” Insurance company goes.

Oh and here are the pics of the car and the damage that I did and the last two are of Modine and the flesh wound.

Can you see anything? Look at the top seam near the wheel
Got close up and it took you be the judge

Rear bumper didn’t take but there is a small scratch
Modine’s love mark (that I can’t wipe off because if it goes to the adjuster he has to report something) it is the white part on the red (I think)

The other side where I did some damage to Momma’s BMW (that was on her birthday and it cost me over a G to get her car fixed 2 years ago)

TTK!