Citi Bike

“You live the glamorous life in Gotham don’t you?”

I get that a lot from different people who don’t live here. Trust me when I say that our life isn’t always going to Dive Bars, eating at fancy places and driving around in a Rolls with our own driver. Well…..we do like Dive bars but scratch numbers two and three. Anyway here is what my ‘Typical’ Saturday looks like. Mind you I don’t have a car so all of these errands are done on foot and I have to lug this shit back to the apartment.

IMG_1835First I bang out any remaining work ish. That way I don’t have to worry about doing any of that on Sunday. I ‘try’ to get my stuff done during the week but stuff happens.

IMG_1840When I die, I want to come back as a Monkey Head. Tough life as they ‘struggle’ to survive on the mean streets of Manhattan. *the white dog is snoring like a freight train right now as I type this*

IMG_1843I became someone this week. When I hit the door the guys at the Coffee Inn know to get my Pumpkin Spice Latte ready. They also shine up their shoe to kick me square in the balls too!

IMG_1823I know that we have all the delivery services for groceries but every once in a while you just like to go squeeze the produce. Tomatoes are now out of season but I am still jonesing for BLT’s in October.

IMG_1824Looking North on First Avenue – That was the street that we saw the Pope by the way.

IMG_1827I had to swing by my physicians office to get my flu ‘shot’ *KLC Man and RMT – You see what I did there?*

IMG_1826There is Maria’s beloved Citi Bike station. Notice how it is empty. They can’t keep a bike up here in the UES. It was a great day on Saturday also.

IMG_1830Got to swing by and pick up my dry cleaning and say hello to Ms. Nguyen

IMG_1831This place is no bigger than a shoe box. They do laundry by the pound, offer dry cleaning and she does my alterations too

IMG_1828On this past Saturday Momma went all the way to Westchester county to Apple Pick but they had major logistical issues so she promptly came back. Roughly she spent 6 hours for nothing so I figure she could use some flowers. According to ‘my guy’ the flowers were good this week since the hurricanes are not stopping flights.

IMG_1825Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital

IMG_1839Had to pick up some Paper Towels since we were on the last roll. *Insert President Joke here*

IMG_1833Trust me when I say that bag weighs roughly 40 pounds. You have to plan out your trip if you don’t want someone to lug your stuff for you.

IMG_1834Since it was 86 degrees this week, I had to have a suit cleaned since it was kind of ‘stinky’ I will be ready to start bitching about being cold soon!

IMG_1836Finally Some Carbunkle Trumpet Time!

Keep it light folks!

Remember this day folks

Because this is the day that a certain Brooklyn born resident’s head comes completely off and explodes! Yep after Maria reads this I expect to hear of an explosion in the Flatlands of Brooklyn on E43rd street.

You see my dear readers, I have known Maria almost as long as I have Mrs. Trumpet and if there is anything that I know it is that she absolutely despises 2 things. First thing that she skeeves is monkeys. We found that out in Belize one year during Thanksgiving. The second thing that she despises….Citi Bike Stations and bikes in general.

I am sure that you are wondering if I bumped my head. Care to guess what they installed on E71st street just east of 1st Avenue? A Citi Bike Station!!  Yep parking in the UES just got a little bit more challenging.

img_0246I didn’t walk the dogs yesterday afternoon so imagine my surprise when I saw this contraption last night.

img_0251Oh I can imagine that Maria will be cursing the rider of this bike very soon. I too will be cursing the rider when they drive on the sidewalk because they are a moron.

img_0250What is funny is that when they installed this bike stand they put the wrong sign up. Notice the sign how it says 2nd Avenue and E71 Street? That my friends in the background is 1st Avenue and E71st Street.

monkeyShe will not be amused. “Ok, Monkey, Nice Monkey, Pretty Monkey…Walter get this fucking thing off of me!”

Make sure you put Maria on your prayer list and have a chuckle. We will see her Sunday.


Well aren’t you just an overachiever

You all know my friend Dick don’t you? *Get your mind out of the gutter, on his birth certificate his first name is Richard* I met RE at this little arse lake on the Kentucky and Tennessee border a while back. I knew that he and I would become good friends one morning while sitting outside the lodge smoking cigarettes (I was smoking a cigar) and couple of joggers ran by the paved road. He looks at me and replies “Will you just look at that? We got us some overachievers.”
I had to admit, I really wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but considering my hands were shaking much worse than his I had to ask the obvious. “What do you mean by an overachiever?
RE looks at me and replies; “Damn Robot (oh wait that is what his brother Randy calls me) today is Labor day. We should not be doing any labor and those two that just ran by are trying to make us look bad. Henceforth they are Overachievers.”
I looked at RE with my bloodshot eyes and just started nodding my head up and down. What can I say, the man may own a couple trailer parks mobile home communities but he knows and speaks the truth….

Last week when we were having our scorcher heat days, I had 10AM appointment at One World Trade Center with a client. One World Trade just celebrated it’s first year of operation and as one could expect security is rather stringent to get into the building. After my body cavity search I am ushered into the bank of elevators for floors 70 – 79. We are waiting for an elevator and I overhear two ladies talk about the weather and how hot it has already gotten outside at this early hour. One of the ladies tells her coworker that if it gets any warmer (mind you I am lathered up in a good sweat and can already feel the Gold Bond starting to fail) that she won’t be able to ride a CITI bike to work every morning. Her coworker asks where she rides in from considering that One World Trade is located way downtown in lower Manhattan.
“Oh I live in the Upper East Side.” replies the woman!
I am floored, you mean to tell me that this woman rides one of those heavy ass Citi Bikes from the Upper East side? She crosses the island and then comes down countless streets and isn’t a puddle of sweat? Oh did I mention that Super Woman is wearing a skirt too? Who the Feck is she? Who rides a bike 7 miles through New York morning traffic and let’s don’t talk about the pothole filled streets? That my friends is an Overachiever in the worst way. *Hey RE – Don’t worry I ain’t inviting her to Dale Hollow, that is for damned sure!

IMG_1315I am just guessing where Super Woman lives and her route but I bet this is probably how she gets to work each morning. Indecently there is subway, bus and taxi service from the Upper East Side to Lower Manhattan too.

IMG_9560I can already hear the blood pressure in Maria’s arteries starting to increase by looking at this picture.

IMG_1276It is an awesome sight to behold but do you really have to use the whole fist there doc?

I can’t wait to get down to Dale Hollow and spend some more time with my friend Dick! Oh and Rena, Cindy, Renita (I am going to stop because I am probably going to forget someone)

“Dressing for the Day” vs “Dressing for the Weather”

So I have heard that if you don’t like the weather in New York just wait an hour and it will change. Case in point this past Friday it was a ball chilling 36 degrees and yet on Saturday it was beautiful, 61 degrees and sunny!  Seriously, it was killer!  I started the morning taking the dogs out wearing track pants, Grizzlies zip up jacket and realized that it was a tad too much. My midmorning errands; dry cleaning, shoes shined, and beer run I was rocking a Northface vest and t-shirt and it was perfect. I went to the Cigar store and started noticing that all of the patrons were coming in wearing their winter coats, hats and gloves. I ask one of the regulars if all New Yorkers have blood any in their body because today was a day you could go sans the coat.  My friend informed me that the majority of New Yorkers dress according to the day and not what the weatherman predicts. “Dress for the day” that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of, who the fuck dresses for February 20th and doesn’t look at the weather report? I would sweat my arse off if I were wearing the same clothes on Saturday as I was on Friday. Secondly, again, who the Feck dresses for the day and not confer with what the weather dude says….New Yorkers, I guess.

I did made certain if I had any projects or things I needed to get done that they were done today because it was great being outside only wearing a NF vest. Meanwhile my fellow New Yorkers were donning sleeping bag jackets, toboggan hats and wearing scarves like it was 20 below. I mean come on guys! Last week it was Artic Blast from hell and today if it were 5 more degrees, I would have been calling AJ asking him if we could have a Board Meeting via Skype. Now it was too bad that none of my favorite local drinking establishments stored all of their sidewalk tables and chairs for the winter. If they did I sure as shit would have been there having many beers.

IMG_0406Yep, I knew it was going to be a good day when I saw that the sun was shining on my walk to get my Bagel for breakfast.

IMG_0413You can’t really tell because  of the shadows but that playground is packed with kids playing their hearts out. Enjoy it kids and parents, it is supposed to be crappy by mid week next week.

IMG_0414The Citi Bike station on E68th street was out of bikes and who could blame people? It  was a great day to be roadkill on the hood of a NY Taxi

IMG_0412Come on Grandma, it is 60 degrees out, shed the coat and enjoy some Vitamin D why don’t you?

I guess I am really getting older since now I am talking about the weather as compared to being in a pub.


The Mean Streets of NYC – “Hey buddy you need some bike parts?”

Given that Mrs. Trumpet and I are now slaves to Mass Transit since we are sold our cars, we had many of our friends mention to us that we get bikes to get around town. In Memphis actually we had two bikes, they collected dust so we sold them before we moved up here. And to be completely honest, the thought of riding a bike in Manhattan scares the complete shit out of me. If we need a bike we can always grab one of those shiny Citi Bikes (right now Maria is shaking the finger at me) if we really want to take our lives into our own hands. Even if we did want to have a bike we don’t have any room in our condo to park that joker. Remember the bike in Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment? Did you ever see him ride that thing and did it ever come off the wall?

Oh park it on the street you say, it will be fine……sure and I have a bridge to sell you. The bike thievery up here is something fierce. Walk around the streets and you will find many bike skeletons still locked to bike stand. To be honest, I don’t understand the need for a tire and rim unless they are selling them to recycling centers for money but who the Feck needs a bike tire? We were having drinks with Maria one night and she was telling us how some Brooklyn hipsters chained their bike to a newly planted tree and  thieves cut the tree in half to get the bike and fancy Kryptonite lock. Wait till I get my golf cart up here, then NYC will love me!

IMG_9560I will just ride these till I become Mayor and outlaw them

IMG_9550Bike Messenger guys park their bikes in packs, makes it harder to steal I guess

IMG_9559They use the serious locks and serious chains up here

IMG_9551Damn, they went medieval on that one

IMG_9561I mean who the Feck needs a front tire?

StolenSomeone hit the Bike Lottery.  Looks like they got 4 bikes since there are 4 chains still there

bike-thief-sata-01_jpg_650x0_q70_crop-smartFound this image on The Google when I was looking for my cover picture. I think this is from Chicago hence the Wicker Park comment but it is funny.

Have a good one.