Cold as Balls

But Did You Die?

A couple of weeks back I kept on seeing posts about it being cold by my friends in Belize. Scoop had posted that she was freezing to which I responded that she was number one. Mind you it was a ball shrinking 30 degrees in Manhattan and we were getting some snow/sleet and it was miserable. She fessed up that she was in sweat pants.

Now before I really piss off everyone on Ambergris Caye I guess I better come clean. I too have been on the island during a ‘cold’ front and have even donned a light jacket. Mind you I was still wearing shorts and if you think for one second I had socks on under my flip flops…..awe hell no. To my buddies down there I get it, when you are used to temps in the 80’s & 90’s anything cooler and you are cold.

It all comes to what you are conditioned and used to. Back when we lived in Memphis during those lovely high humidity summers it wasn’t a big deal for us to vacation down in New Orleans during Swamp Ass summers. We moved up here and sure I am not thrilled about Nor’easters but we have gotten used to ‘brick’ cold days.

I recall when Florita A. would come to Memphis as a kid. The only time I would ever see her wearing socks was when she came to see us. Naturally she would get a summer cold and we would have to take her to the pediatrician but I get it. She wasn’t used to Southern Summer Air Conditioning going 24/7. Now she lives in Colorado and I bet her little ass is wearing more than socks!

I used to wonder what was up with Kitty and LuLu when we would meet up with them at Dale Hollow Lake. Here we are on the boat, the sun is shining and both of them are wearing bathing suits and sweat shirts. Once you get used to a climate your body acclimates to it.

So I will let it slide this time San Pedro, but I will still call you wimps when the temps get below 80.

Like I said, my nose was itching! That white stuff on my hat, that’s sleet.
That is funny!

So here is to hope that you guys down in San Pedro get a real snow storm or temps in the mid to low 60’s.

Random ‘ish’ On My Camera Roll

This new iFoam 7 has me all jacked up. I am back on Snapchat so I am now taking more pics than I know what to do. One of these days I am going to go Ass over Tea Cups down a Bilco Door Stairs into some produce like Samantha.

img_0152“Hurry your Drunk Ass Up CBT, I got to go home and Pee” Mrs. Trumpet is ready to go

img_0153Heading from the bowels of hell below E72nd Street.

img_0166I got called out by LZ about my new Subway line and I told her that it was a ‘game changer’. Here is my favorite chef in front of a mural of Daniel Boulud. Boulud owns a joint in the UES that is on our short list also. Hey AT – you know that I took this picture don’t you? #headexplodes

img_0156You win Nova, You win! I hate this shit! I prefer to sweat.

ba-and-annaThe woman on the left is Anna Hamilton formally of Anna’s Steakhouse in Bartlett. She was one of my clients when I slung groceries for D.Canale. She is now the night manager at the new Elvis Presley Guesthouse in Memphis.

img_2765Mrs. C and Ba with Mayor Strickland at the Elvis Presley Birthday Celebration

img_0124Wonder why they say don’t go into an empty subway car. Oh wait, what is that….OH GOT DAMN!!!!! I kid, it was empty by the time we made it to 68th street on NYE.

img_0158Still pisses me off for paying this for beers. And the fecking things were hot too!

Happy Bonus Post!



Welcome to the Russian Front

DISLAIMER – If you have never experienced below freezing temperatures, go ahead and click over to see what Donald Trump did today. For me to try to explain this ball shrinking experience is like explaining hockey to a Belizean.*

So Carbunkle Trumpet got to experience some below freezing temps this past weekend and guys let me be the first to say it Fecking sucks. For the past 3 days when I would go outside of our building I would see our doorman dressed (he is inside folks) in full winter gear. To break the ice (see what I did there KLC Man) I would say “don’t open that door unless it is 72 and sunny” and those assholes would do it and snicker. First impression of subzero temps is “WHOA! Who is stepping on my chest and why is it so hard to breathe!” Then as I get to the corner (guys, I live in the middle of a short block) and my hands which are inside gloves are now cold. Now let’s talk about my face that is not under a hat or scarf, well any exposed flesh is now stinging and that shit hurts. Yep, we walk to the 68th street station and by the time I get there I am shivering. Please trust me when I say that I have more clothes on than I ever had and still it doesn’t cut it.

So as I have found out from New Yorkers who are faced with subzero temps you have two options; press on and hope you don’t get frostbite or pack it up and head home like a P word. Yep, I pressed on and made the subway station and for the first time in my life, I was happy to be standing on the 68th platform. Here is the main bitch about the cold. You dress for Artic temps outside but walk into a building without a coat check and you are sweating like they opened the cabin door landing in Belize. So here is my problem, freeze your ass off outside and sweat your ass off inside. You can’t win this temperature variance folks, it sucks.

So, what are you saying CBT, your dumbass moved up there, you can’t bitch. Trust me in that I am not bitching but if I now know what I knew then….I may have bargained for more winter trips to warmer climates. Anyway, we got rid of the freezing temps for snow and now have 50 degrees with a heavy rain forecast. Anyway, if you don’t like the weather in New York just wait for a couple of hours.

IMG_0372I make fun of the messages from NOTIFY NYC a lot but this one got the best of me.

IMG_0384This shit sucks. It sucks balls. It sucks big balls.

IMG_0377Shout out to my Canadian Sister and Brother Nova and Ted! We win/We lose!

IMG_0385Kid says “Hey Mister sitting in the bar, can I take your picture? I have never seen someone wear all those clothes at one time. Can you feel your underarms?”

I can’t wait to bitch about SWAMP ARSE!

Balls, it is cold as Balls

You remember in the movie “JAWS” when Matt Hooper is at Chief Brody’s house and Mrs. Brody is telling Hooper how Chief hates the water? The next comment that was said “who lives on an island that is afraid of the water?” It is a valid point and it could be applied today in “Who hates cold weather but moves up to the North East?” Yep ole Karma has squarely bitten me on the arse because all those years of busting Nova, the Illegal Alien now living in Chicago, and KLC Man’s chops for the cold arse winters they are now getting their revenge. Now let’s clear the 11 degree air first shall we? It isn’t that I hate cold weather, it is that I just don’t like it. Watching the news last night they interviewed a heavily accented Ukrainian woman and she was saying that cold weather is better for you; “It make you sleep better, and more babies made during winter months.” Go back to your cold war country you Commie! Give me 75 degree weather and I am a happy man!

I am really going to date myself but I recall in the movie “Less Than Zero” when Andrew McCarthy’s character was heading to school and Robert Downey Jr’s character was saying “You are moving to Vermont, Long Underwear, Down Jackets, and L.L. Bean.” When we got up here  5 months ago to the day, I found out that Vermont was a quick 2 hour drive from here. Yeah, I moved up to the Great White North, I now know why all my Belizean buddies go down in February for a week…..they got to thaw out!  Don’t worry, I am sure I will be fine, it isn’t like I can’t do anything about the weather so if you see a short person walking down the street who can’t put his arms down, that would be me!

I got this! “I think”


Oh this is going to hurt!


If you can’t make fun of yourself then what is the point!!!!