Maria the Consigliere

Where do you come up with these names?

Sorry for the delay in posting. I was busy last week because we had a long weekend to the Midwest for a wedding and I am getting back into the swing of things. Oh that and Mary Louise is +13 hours ahead of me in Japan so I am running this household all by myself. What pisses me off is that Mary Louise won’t tell me the Final Jeopardy answers since she is a day ahead of me. I hate to tell RJ but I think that she has found a new Sushi Buddy.

While we were in the Midwest this past weekend I had a couple of my readers of this worthless dribble ask me; “Where do you come up with the names of the people you interact with?” Naturally I “change the names to protect the innocent or non-sober” but some of the Mo-Ho’s were asking me how I created their names. Let me give you some insight into some of the players you read on this worthless dribble;

  • Mary Louis/Mrs. Trumpet – Thanks To Vivian Longstreet, she penned this because it is her soap opera name. She is also a perfume designer.
  • Maria – She keeps her name because she is my trusted consigliere and quite frankly she knows where all the bodies are buried. Seriously, has anyone seen Trucker Jim or Box of Rocks lately? I rest my case.
  • The Work Wife, The International One – Well she is a work friend and that is what she does
  • The Work Wife, The Domestic One – Currently Vacant
  • The Work Wife, The Managing One – See “Work Wife, The Domestic One” because she got a promotion.
  • The Asian Fireman – Well his last name is Lee so you do the math here.
  • Mr. 3 First Names – What can I say, this Staten Island resident has 3 first names in his first and last names.
  • Lady Barrister/Landlord – It is what she does and she is the landlord to Mr 3 first names
  • Z Squared – Couples name for 2 people whose last names start with Z (this isn’t rocket science folks)
  • UWS Holly – Someone names Holly who may live in the Upper West Side?
  • Baby Fine Hair (Haven’t spoken about her lately) but this person uses a shampoo that is specifically for people with Baby Fine hair. Hey it is better than me calling her “Person with a Mongoloid Foot Tattoo”!

Now this past weekend at this wedding we attended a new nickname was created. No it wasn’t from my (So in need of therapy) brain. It was from her own Flesh and Blood…..

With that, and I will do a proper blog post on the wedding and weekend. Congrats to Baby Fine Hair and Kristina on their wedding this past weekend!!!!

IMG_4270Hey don’t blame me Kiki (what I used to call Kristina before this weekend) blame your brother! Congrats and we were so happy to share with you your special day!

For those of you who weren’t in St. Louis the Celebrant (the bride on the left’s brother) when announcing the names of the newly married instead of saying K—n inserted his own wife’s name, Kristina, by mistake. Me I am going to roll with it!

Remember this day folks

Because this is the day that a certain Brooklyn born resident’s head comes completely off and explodes! Yep after Maria reads this I expect to hear of an explosion in the Flatlands of Brooklyn on E43rd street.

You see my dear readers, I have known Maria almost as long as I have Mrs. Trumpet and if there is anything that I know it is that she absolutely despises 2 things. First thing that she skeeves is monkeys. We found that out in Belize one year during Thanksgiving. The second thing that she despises….Citi Bike Stations and bikes in general.

I am sure that you are wondering if I bumped my head. Care to guess what they installed on E71st street just east of 1st Avenue? A Citi Bike Station!!  Yep parking in the UES just got a little bit more challenging.

img_0246I didn’t walk the dogs yesterday afternoon so imagine my surprise when I saw this contraption last night.

img_0251Oh I can imagine that Maria will be cursing the rider of this bike very soon. I too will be cursing the rider when they drive on the sidewalk because they are a moron.

img_0250What is funny is that when they installed this bike stand they put the wrong sign up. Notice the sign how it says 2nd Avenue and E71 Street? That my friends in the background is 1st Avenue and E71st Street.

monkeyShe will not be amused. “Ok, Monkey, Nice Monkey, Pretty Monkey…Walter get this fucking thing off of me!”

Make sure you put Maria on your prayer list and have a chuckle. We will see her Sunday.


So you really like it up there?

I was on the phone this weekend with RJ. I had asked RJ to do me a favor. I wanted him to squarely kick me in the balls the next time that he sees me. After he does that and while I am lying on the ground in pain I also asked him to tell me “You deserve that for what you did on Saturday, December 3rd!” I am sure that my 6 readers are wondering what it was that I did this past Saturday. This past Saturday, I ventured into Midtown Manhattan on a Saturday during Christmas Season. Oh did I mention that my destination “not by choice” was Tiffany’s at the corner of 67th and 5th Avenue? Do you know what else is at that famous corner…..Trump M’effin Tower! And guess who was also in town on Saturday, yep you guessed it. The President Elect himself! The reason I was venturing into this area was that I was asked by LZ to confirm a potential Christmas gift for FZ and she wanted my advice. It wasn’t that bad and my upper lip didn’t start to twitch till we made it to the bottom floor of Tiffany & Co. It was fine and I hope that FZ doesn’t freak out too bad when he opens the box and sees the baby rattle. *shots fired from Hell’s Kitchen towards the UES* Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

While I was making my way into midtown RJ and I were catching up and discussing holiday travel plans. He and I were talking and I inquired how X was doing. He told me good and that this person asked him “So when are the Trumpets moving back to Memphis?” RJ, who has been up here a bunch of times and whom I speak to regularly on the phone told this person “I don’t that the Trumpets are going to move back anytime soon.” RJ understands us, he knows that we will ‘Never say Never’ but right now the Big Apple is where we call home and we don’t have plans on moving back to Memphis for at least another 8 years…. well at least Mrs. Trumpet. Mrs. Trumpet has a pretty good deal going on with her work emptying bedpans. This conversation with RJ reminded me of a phone call I had earlier in the week.

I had to call into HQ this week to help a client who was having trouble getting their double decker tour bus tickets. HQ, as luck would have it, is in Memphis so while we were waiting on the slow ass computer in Memphis, the agent and I were making chit chat.

Agent – “Your last name is Trumpet?”
Me – “Yes sir, had it all my life.”
A- “That is ironic, we have a bunch of Trumpet’s here in Memphis. They own a bar/restaurant, used to have a grocery store, I know they had a liquor store on Poplar, and I think one of them was a big football player for Memphis State.”
M – “Yeah, I know them all, I am originally from Memphis and now living in New York. You could say that the Trumpet’s have a corner on the food and beverage service industry.”
A – “If you don’t mind me asking, what the hell are you doing in New York? I bet you are counting down the days till you can move back right?”
M – “Nah, I am good man, think we may stay a while.”

Now let me dispel any rumors or preconceived notions that you may be harboring – I am not and in NO WAY bashing Memphis or the many friends that we have there. Do we miss our friends and family in Memphis and surrounding areas? Your damn right. But (and this may not come across like I want it to in my words) you are comparing an apple an orange when you are talking about Memphis and New York. We live in 535 square feet, my Yeti cooler is living in Woodlawn because it doesn’t have a spot here on 1st Avenue. It takes me an hour by train to take the dogs to the vet when it was a 5 minute ride in the Jeep. To have drinks with the Murphranks, Asian Fireman, Z-Squared, The Russian, Maria and or any of the St. John’s crew it takes planning and at least one of us to travel some distance if not meeting in the middle. Does it drive me crazy with all of these inconveniences? Not really, sure it took some getting used to but what does a person really need to live in the city that never sleeps?

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot shall we? I have spoken to some fellow double decker ticket sellers about living in Memphis. The first place they talk about is living in Colliervegas or past the Parkways. I try to bite my tongue and casually bring up living in South Main or possibly the Core. Don’t get me wrong, we had the 2200 square foot house in South Bluffs, we paid out the nose for some rotten wood and it pissed us off. Then we downsized into a condo in the core and then this whole NYC thing happened. Anyway who the hell wants to go to Home Depot on the weekend to get supplies for house chores? I was that ‘that guy’ way back when we had 595 but do you know how liberating it is now going to have an espresso and reading the NY Times watching all the dads push strollers?  Sure having all that space is great but who the feck is going to mow that ish? And let’s don’t even talk about the liquor stores not being open on Sunday……Aw Hell NO!

So in closing, we plan on sticking it out here for a couple more winters. But with my job I certainly will never say never. I mean we still have our condo in the core. We still have tons of family and friends in Memphis. We don’t have a car anymore but who likes to drive anyway. The thing is, we like it here, sure we can’t find a decent Cajun restaurant but that is ok with us. I don’t miss fast food. Incidentally the Chick-Fil-A located on 6th and 37th is packed each and every day with tourists. If I am feeling homesick for the southern accent, I walk by the line and try to pick what state people are from. FOR GODSAKE! GO GET A BAGEL OR EGG AND CHEESE ON A ROLL! So lay off asking if we will be back, some of you jokers still haven’t even come up to see us! We do have a couch and blow up bed.

map-of-memphisStill my favorite map of Memphis.

130807122628-seersucker-0807-horizontal-large-galleryMy Director would probably foam at the mouth if I came rolling into a sales meeting wearing this. He is a ultra conservative Dark Suit and White shirt kind of a guy.

you-guysI don’t get nailed for this as much as one would think. My momma when she was living in Arizona took some grief for saying “You Guys.” I think this one has run it’s course.

3688512c046fbf5b68f86b0d0382a753I still don’t understand what the big deal is. Scoop can you teach me what is so great about flavored club soda? If I am drinking a club soda, it better have Vodka in it!

img_2636Other than the traffic, this city does offer some really killer looks and views.

Happy Wednesday!

You ever hear of a band called Squeeze? #weareold

Our trusted NYC consigliere and good friend, Maria, had a unexpected family emergency and was unable to use her tickets for Squeeze acoustic. She inquired if we would like to go and naturally, we both said yes, so off to The PlayStation Theater near Times Square we go. I did make the mistake by telling a cohort that I was attending the show and since she was born after 1988…..she just nodded and said to enjoy the show.
We arrive at the theater, are directed to our seats and we start to check out the crowd who has already assembled. Mrs. Trumpet leans over in my direction and says “God, these people are old!” I couldn’t even get it out of my mouth till she recants and says “Wait, this means we are old too!”

Now right now my fellow blogger Bad Ass Auntie is snickering because she is always quick to take the piss out of me because of my love of older bands, oh well we had a blast at the show. It was an acoustic show so pretty much it was Glenn Tilbrook and Chris Difford playing back and forth but they still have it and didn’t miss a step. The show was great, they played all the hits and even played some new songs from their new album….New Album? Good work out of you boys!

singles_hiIf you didn’t play any of these songs on the jukebox at Alex’s Tavern you are dead to me!


Glenn belting out some “Pulling Mussels from the Shell”


Chris jamming out some chords!

Again, thank you Maria we do appreciate the tickets and can’t wait to see you soon.