Maya the Monkey Head

Living the Bachelors Dream Here Folks

I was trying to think back the other day when was the last time I lived alone. I had to go back to 1992 when I was living in the Shrine Building, working at Chez Philippe. and making more money than God. Since then I went out to East Memphis for a brief stint and then back downtown and started cramping Didi’s style at 71 Union Ave. Then I met Mary Louise and since then the toilet seat has been down ever since.

Mary Louise is to return back in the US on the 22nd of May until then it is going to be just me and the dog. Oh and don’t worry, I am not sitting here on the couch crying my eyes out. Vivian and Stone and I had dinner last weekend and I have a feeling that Maria and I will catch a dinner in the next couple of weeks. Of course Mr. 3 First Names and I have been out every night coming home in the early hours of the morning with Memphis in May sobriety. Ok that is a lie, he and the Landlord have been busy over there in the Slope with a remodeling job that is over halfway done. Maybe we can get some drinks next weekend.

I have been spending a lot more time at work and getting stuff done which isn’t bad for me. Naturally I have been spending a couple more hours than normal at the Gym that I belong to. The gym is over on East 73rd street between 1st and 2nd Avenue and I walk out of there needing a shower because I stink. For those of you who are not doubled over laughing need to know that the gym isn’t called Soul Cycle or Equinox but The Cigar Inn.

Oh and don’t cry for me too much. My ass is leaving this evening heading over to Barcelona to meet up with Geranium. She is going to be there for training so I figured I would crash her style and get some Spanish culture in too! Oh and by the way, when I text or facetime with Geranium she doesn’t care about me, she wants to see pics of the dog. Below are some of the pics from this past week.

Made me a work station while Geranium is away
Why are you walking me at 5:30AM? Why can’t I sleep in?
What the Corn Bread Fuck? I am never in here when there are 2 of you here.
I am going to get all my toys and play on the bed while you are pooping dad
Life is Hard
Stretching before we go out to pee
Kind of hard being this cute dad.
Even got one of those Nanny Cams. It is kind of boring since she is kenneled while I am away
See you fuckers on Monday!

Have a good weekend folks!

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Quick Trip to the Fun Side of the Wall – Spring Break Baby!

Not sure if some of you are aware but Geranium has left me, she has left the dog, and she temporarily no longer living in Downtown Brooklyn.

Well that should get a couple of bites on my social media accounts. Those jokers are now saying “Whisky Tango Foxtrot Paul Allen/Carbunkle Trumpet!” What the Fuck did you do now?

Relax gang, Mary Louise is over in Switzerland for a month getting her company ready for a Bed Pan launch. It is easier for her to already be in the EU instead of a bunch of trips back and forth from NYC. She has been gone now a week and I am not going to lie one bit….. I miss the shit out of her! The dog……she is missing her too.

When it was official that Mary Louise was to take this month long trip we decided that we needed to get away for a couple of days and have some ‘us’ time. While we were upstate last month, I challenged our Travel Agent to come up with a couple of good All Inclusive Resorts for us. We were booking this thing in the matter of weeks so we didn’t have time to shop, find a deal or even mess with it. Jerre Martin of Prosper Travel knocked it out of the park for us. She recommended a Secrets SilverSands (not sure why there isn’t a space but that is the way everyone spelled it) Riviera Adults Only Resort in Cancun that was perfect for us. Seriously, and I don’t normally give props to resorts but if you want a small all inclusive adult joint with a nice beach, pool, and great staff…..This is the place for you.

We left New York Friday evening and got into Cancun around 11PM. We got to our room and went to bed because we were so tired promptly to the bar and made up for lost time while were. We were there till Tuesday late afternoon and returned on the 19:30 flight to Newark from Cancun. The food was good, the drink was cold, they had Kettle One for me and a wine that Geranium enjoyed. Now here is where you are going to say that we are getting old.

The entertainment team at Secrets SilverSands Riveria is top notch! They made sure that if you didn’t want to be bothered, the left you alone. If you played in the pool, they made you feel welcome. And if you were like our old asses playing Bingo and Blackjack, they had fun with you! Seriously if you want to make a trip with just you and the spouse. we found the All Inclusive for you!

Me – “Señor ¿cómo se llama una cerveza y una margarity congelada juntos?”
Bartender – We call it an “Ernie Mellor” Sir!
Oh Great all you two did down there was just drink and take pictures at the bar….
Hey RJ – They carried Hillbilly Ale too!
Last Pic of booze I promise…….
Here is a pic of the resort I stole off the internet. I was a fun resort that wasn’t too big. 3 to 4 days and you have done it all!
This was cool! This is a simple end table with a marble top and the melted wine bottles on top of it for like 4 months. The build up was huge and really made the entry into the French Restaurant. I could do this! But probably not in Brooklyn.
I was really cool and made a great statement in the room
Some Asshole Left the Dominos in New York (thanks Maya, you packed me) so we had to find some in the gift shop.
Hey Blue Water Grill in Belize! I got you taken care of for those plates.
Here are some of those Cancer Causing Windmills.
Maya didn’t miss our asses one bit! Carla is great and she had more fun with her than we do.
Last Meal out of Cancun at Jimmy Buffet’s Bar.

Seriously, we had a blast down in Mexico and it was a fun trip before Mary Louise Geranium’s trip to Switzerland. Again our travel agent knocked it out of the park for us. I gave her a list of our wants (Good Beach, Adults Only, Don’t want to spend an arm & leg, and age appropriate guest list) and she gave us a great recommendation. More to come in these past trips.

We Made it to Friday and we didn’t have to kill anyone….Yet!

This is what Trevor, front desk concierge, and I say each Friday while I am taking Monkey Head Maya out for her morning pee in the park. This week was a fun one. I survived circling the sun 49 trips and am now gearing up for a helluva 50th! Geranium and I went for drinks with some of my clients and tonight we are going to meet the Hot Tub “Wet Bandit” who is in town. Saturday is up in the air and Sunday we are going to see Lightbulb and the Asian Fireman.

Here are some pics from the past couple of weeks. I know I have been remiss on posting this but I have been busy.

Hey Country – You recall this building? The Former Flat Hotel!
I think it is a requirement if you are going to have a dive bar you have to have Christmas Tree Lighting.
This Joint reminded me of The Subway Inn on 2nd Avenue.
We will be back in Hudson to have a proper drink here again!
Goodbye Old Couch, we had to part with it to make room for some other stuff.
Glad to know the Fyre Festival dude (who I believe is still in prison) is running another scam.
I am a bad New Yorker if I didn’t at least post one pic from the St. Patrick Day Post Band Party.
Thanks to Stone, Vivian and Della for a great weekend upstate.
First Outside Cigar I was able to smoke.
She is a little shit but she is our little shit!

Have a good weekend!

Mary Louise Needs to Bring Her Ass Home!

The Dog and I are starting to get on each others nerves. Seriously, she has been gone since last Tuesday and we are missing her. The Seamless Delivery dude and I know each other on a first name basis. The good news is that I have watched pretty much every episode of “M*A*S*H*” and “Two and a Half Men” (She hates those shows) but the DVD is getting full of her midget and Dr. Pimple Popper shows.

Mary Louise requested me to get her a hair appointment. I guess it is kinda hard to book stuff when you are 14 hours away.
Oh No PETA offending sushi this time Geranium?
The Dog and I play a rousing game of “Did you just fart?”

And for those of you wondering when @Maya_in_NYC Instagram will be posting again. She gets in Friday afternoon from her flight from Toyko!

Pictures of the Week

Man I took some serious hell from some of you guys for having a fancy dinner last weekend. Guess I need to step up my game and have dinner at Eleven Madison Park and REALLY piss you off. Anyway here are some pictures from last week.

This is Hockey – They play it here in the North East
Had to break out the warm coat last week
Merry Christmas Chloe! Hope you have a wonderful Holiday!
If anyone is missing a Nose Ring it was on the G Train
Love you too Nova! Fun going down Memory (Front Street) in Belize
Mary Louise is now Boujie when she sits in the First Class seats
Got me a burger on Thursday!
Nunchucks are legal in New York City. Who wants some?
Maya is ready for Mary Louise to come home

Next week we will be busy with travels to Memphis and then back.

Pictures of the Week(s)

Thank God we made it to Friday. It wasn’t easy for Mary Louise and I this week that is for sure.

IMG_4474Sober as Brett Kavanaugh at a summer party

IMG_4453After last weekend I needed to light a couple candles at St. Patrick’s

IMG_4486Spent time celebrating Mark’s 40th birthday last Sunday on the roof of the Knickerbocker Hotel.

IMG_4480Yep you boys can have Barry Manilow and all those Beaches songs by Ms Bette

IMG_4192Maya is surveying the cooking to see if anyone drops some cheese

IMG_4501These two knuckleheads were in Nashvegas for the Florida/Vandy game last weekend. We need to get them back up here!

 

Have a good weekend and congrats to the Work Wife (The international one) on getting married this weekend too!

Pics of the Week

Been a fun and busy week. Here are some pics that didn’t make this weeks blog posts.

IMG_4394I had to file a complaint because I didn’t see Sophie or Bryan on this aisle.

IMG_4390Here is a view of the Empire State from the West Side

IMG_4375Get off my TV Kanye. You are embarrassing yourself.

IMG_4363Maya about half way on Saturday while walking all over Dumbo.

IMG_4357Yes D(Dog) I got you and RLynn I am getting some bread products for your sorority sisters

IMG_4356That cat was really judging me on Friday

IMG_4352I guess my David Byrne Concert shirt does resemble a Circle Jerk. Still a killer show.

IMG_4301The Murphranks’ liver did a flip when I snapped this picture. I am about 50 feet from their front door. But I was heading to smoke a cigar.

WPS and Go to HELL BAMA!

Maya – You want to go “outside”?

I bet if Maya could read this worthless dribble she would be saying; “Nope I am good, I am looking forward to taking a nap!” What Maya didn’t realize when we asked her if she wanted to go outside that we were going to head down to Dumbo (Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass) for the day. She already had a big day by going to the UES to get groomed and then she got to get out and stretch her little legs.

To get down to Dumbo from our home you take the 2/3 Train. I guess I can never be a Supreme Court Justice because we broke the MTA law and didn’t put her in a bag or enclosure. She was tucked in Mary Louise’s arms and was very content making the 3 subway stops to Clarke Street. Once we got out we let her walk and I have to admit that I was concerned how she was going to do with crowds and lots of feet with her 9 inches off the ground. She did pretty good. She would follow me as we walked around and would hide between our legs when we stopped to look around.

IMG_4354Wait you mean I have a choice? I can stay here or go walk 6.6 miles today? Fuck You Paul and Mary Louise!

IMG_4361But First we have to take a Selfie

IMG_4362By the Brooklyn Bridge

IMG_4365The Carousel down on the waterfront. And no I am not going to insult your intelligence by saying “This is Jane’s Carousel made by the Philadelphia Toboggan Company” You can read that shit yourself.

IMG_4367Beautiful day for a wedding. These two got married by the banks of the East River.

IMG_4368Resting having a beer and glass of wine admiring the view before heading home.

IMG_4369Here is that Pizza Place they talk about. The line was long to say the least.

IMG_4370To say that Maya was worn out is an understatement.

And before you drop a line and call the ASPCA on my ass know that she stayed in on Sunday.

Pictures of the Week – Labor Day Shenanigans

Sorry I haven’t been doing my job lately, the abbreviated week and the start of school has kept us busy. Hope everyone is happy that College Football is back in the swing of things and that now the NFL is about to start back up too. Here are some pics from this past Labor Day weekend.

IMG_4113I think that if I didn’t wear my traditional Seersucker Suit on the last Friday of the summer my team would revolt.

IMG_4119I wonder what Asshole lives in this eyesore. View from the Murphrank’s roofdeck.

IMG_4122Believe it or not we didn’t stage this picture. Maya could have been trying to cuddle up with Rocky because she was afraid of the humans. I think this was when Bobcat decided to ‘take a nap’!

IMG_4129She is as happy as a cat in a canary store.

IMG_4130“Oh sure you can sit on the throne and wear those funny crowns and let you believe that you are the boss of us.” #saidnooneever

IMG_4110BEFORE YOU START JUDGING ME – Not one bottle of this is mine (I only buy half gallons & Mary Louise’s maintenance wine comes in standard bottles) but I wondered if the old drunk South Bluff Neighbor moved into our building.

IMG_0505First Day of School for The Little Bastid! He is growing so tall!

IMG_4149We are those people who now take our dog to bars. In New York if a bar doesn’t serve food then dogs are welcome. Maya likes the bars in Boerum Hill.

This weekend we have The Carl Lipbalm Memorial Caddy Scholarship winner in town so I am sure we will have some fun pics to share with you next week. Keep it light.

Pictures of the Week

Had some fun over the past weekend. Here are some that were on my iFoam.

IMG_1219One will ever know if these bike locks will be claimed

IMG_1218I mean those are two sexy words – Bar and Bacon! RAB this is in Hells Kitchen on 9th Avenue

IMG_1217Twas a Brave Man who first ate the First Oyster!

IMG_1216Was it Grey Shirt Day for Sunday Funday? I think so.

IMG_1215Yes J-bob Niketown is still here

IMG_1171I am going to shit in your shoes so hard – Monkey Head Maya

IMG_1160Snuck down to my Boys on Bleaker Street on Wednesday

As seen at the Cigar Joint on 2nd Ave

Have a good weekend.