As you know, the only real children that Mrs. Trumpet and I have are two monkey heads of poodles. There is also the invisible child that appears on my FB feed on the first and last day of school but that is a different story. We have 4 nieces and nephews and a ton of cousins over on my side of the family (what can you expect, I am eye-Talian!) So back in the winter of this year we decided to bring the oldest niece to town for a weekend of sightseeing and exploring NYC as a graduation gift since we didn’t really get her a proper gift. This conversation naturally led to “why don’t we bring up all the nieces/nephews and cousins for a weekend after they graduate?” We start to jot the name and graduation years on a
bar napkin piece of scrap paper and we come up with 9 kids! Oh and we have a set of twins in there too but the way we look at is that we will have someone to wipe our asses when we get old!
Hence “The Carl Lipbalm Memorial Scholarship” was born. Thankfully none of my cousins read this worthless dribble of a blog and if you do, I know that you can’t tell your parents because they would ground you for the rest of your natural born life! CBT has been known to throw out an F-Bomb and just you wait till I till I tell you about the Douche Nozzle I met on the Ferry. Before the nieces/nephews and cousins start packing their bags for the Big Apple we do have some common ground rules that are in place. They are as follows;
- The recipient of The Carl Lipbalm Memorial Scholarship (TCLMS) must graduate from an accredited high school and not from a corrections facility.
- The invitation is only open to the recipient and not a boy/girlfriend. We don’t need any awkward touching going on our couch that weekend.
- Can’t make fun of the size of our apartment unless you pay for a weekend at The Surrey on E76th and then mock all you want.
- If CBT is accompanying you as a chaperone then you get one (1) hour total of shopping per day. Or find a shopping venue that is close to a bar, in that case have at it!
- You are not allowed to get any additional tattoos, piercings, body modifications and or transdermal pieces installed while you are under our care.
- The weekend being either Thursday evening/Friday morning and ends by Sunday early evening. CBT & Mrs. CBT will need some ‘alone time’ with a bottle of vodka to decompress.
So with that this year’s first recipient was AK from South East Missouri. AK came in screaming hot on Thursday as she got to enjoy a side trip to our nations capital since American didn’t want to fly direct to LGA on Thursday. I do have to say it is fun watching someone try to process things that you are now taking for granted. I gave her the ground rules for walking and the streets of Manhattan (DON’T FUCKING TEXT & WALK) and she did a good job on that but it was fun watching her almost run into mailboxes staring at the tops of the buildings.
I took AK around on Friday morning for a couple hours as Mrs. Trumpet had a meeting she had to attend. I schlepped her by St. Patrick’s Cathedral, The Rocks, Jimmy Fallon’s Sign, Diamond District, Times Square, Hamilton’s Theater, Bryant Park and she got to experience her first Bagel and Subway ride. Later that evening she went to see Wicked with Mrs. Trumpet while I held court at the Cigar Inn.
Saturday we had a full day with the Double Decker Bus to downtown, trip to see the Bull, Wall Street, Federal Reserve, Statue of Liberty, Chinatown, Little Italy, shopping in SoHo and she ate a Woody Allen from the Carnegie Deli. I am figuring she had good time on her trip. I mean she took 208 pictures that got uploaded to Facebook and I don’t know how many selfies were taken!! I am kidding, we had a good time with AK and we hope you use your TCLMS as an experience that you will appreciate crazy people who yell at the top of their lungs on the Staten Island Ferry.
Times Square & AK!
Here she is at the guy who we never can stay awake for at night.
Here is where Uncle Dan’s butt is starting to twitch!
“Can I get 2 Two by Fours?” Bartender – “Sure, you want the wrapper with it?”
But first let me take a selfie!
This is what made my butt twitch!
Woody Allen from the Carnegie Deli!
Here I am doing it again!
That is the kind of Sailboat I want to be on! Do they have a Kettle One Sailboat?
I bet they are not sober on that boat at all!
We hit a TON of spots in 3 days. No wonder my legs ache.
And for those of you wondering, no you cannot be a niece/nephew or cousin of ours!