Been busy for us during Christmas Season here in the big city. With the holidays rapidly approaching we have been busy getting gifts and naturally sending them to Memphis wrapped. Note to self – when sending a box to your mothers house and she has moved it may be a good idea to get the correct address. Thankfully FedEx was able to correct the address and the customer service agent didn’t laugh at me too bad.
This week we are busy with Holiday parties (Mary Louise’s old work peeps) and we have some other events to attend this weekend. Mary Louise heads back to Seattle on Tuesday so it will be just me and the dog for the week. I will keep you posted. Anyway here are some pictures that I have had for the past couple of weeks.
You probably have heard of Bar 595 if you live in Memphis. You probably have drank a beer out of one of the Coozies. You probably have seen a Bald Guy from England post pictures of the coozie all over the world. Still don’t know what I am talking about? Do a search for Bar 595 on Facebook and you can figure it out.
It is rare that my personal foam rings. Normally when it does it is either a doctors office confirming my upcoming appointment or a telemarketer. Since I keep the 901 area code phone it is pretty easy to tell who is a real call or who is a telemarketer. I have to give them credit, they mask the number to make it look like it was my number missing a digit or something like that.
So the other day when the phone rang I answered with my traditional “Go for Carbunkle Trumpet” and the caller was asking for the owner of Bar 595. For whatever reason I decided I would play along instead of saying that I was busy and to remove my number from your fucking list. I said that I was but I was kinda busy and to hurry it up. They were telling me about their credit card solutions and if we were interested in changing vendors. I said I was all for it and have a rep come by tomorrow after my lunch rush.
English Mike I may give them your number next time.
Back when we had Love Bug visiting us you take things for granted living up here. Naturally seeing the expressions on someone who has never visited New York affirms our decision to move up here. The other day I was talking to someone and I was telling them that I use Jet.com to get my household supplies rather than shopping for them. They asked me why I don’t just swing by Target or the store and get my Toilet Paper. I told them that I didn’t like carrying that stuff 5 blocks. I could immediately sense that the hamster wheel was spinning but the hamster was dead.
When Love Bug was here I made note of a couple things and jotted them down. A couple days later I was looking on Instagram and I noticed former Memphian @Brizzyc post a pic of her husband making wine. The making of the wine didn’t really seem that odd to me but the fact that this was being done in the bathroom did. Her husband was sitting on the “closed” toilet seat using a drill to stir the contents but in the background was a chest freezer. You see folks, space up here is at a premium. The simple fact that they have a freezer in their shitter tells me that the probably have some other unique storage that we probably do also.
Closet Space is a such a premium that you don’t expect for your luggage to be empty. Normally it is full of out of season clothes.
Yes we spend north $4.75 of a square foot to have the opportunity to live in New York/New Jersey. Oh and you can kiss your ass if you think you can get a garbage disposal or non-hotel style air conditioner.
Why lug your groceries/dry cleaning/booze/laundry detergent when you can have someone deliver it for you? I can recall when Theo’s momma was all happy when she could get her booze delivered to her back in Memphis. God bless Astor’s Wine & Spirits for delivering Mary Louise’s “maintenance” wine for 3 years now.
The last time I have driven in Manhattan was on August 5, 2015 and that was to empty the UHall truck and then promptly dropped off said truck in Long Island City. Nope I don’t miss it at all! I take cabs and Ubers when I want to ‘spoil’ myself or are too drunk for the subway.
Regarding Subways and Mass Transit – Avoid the empty subway car at all costs. Also it is best to let sleeping people lie. It isn’t your fault if the person sleeping off their night of cheap drinks has been to Coney Island and E96th Street 5 times. That is on them.
Do not text and walk on the New York city Streets – DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME KATIE/LIL GENERAL? This takes some self discipline because even Love Bug was struggling with this when she was taking pictures. Seriously you will run into something/someone and may get yelled at.
Street Meat is very good and is encouraged to eat at all times – Man I miss Anthony Bourdain! His show on Queens and the food culture is recorded on Tivo and I am planning on making a trip one of these days when GrainBin Girl comes up here. When I took Love Bug to the Hallal boys she couldn’t believe that such good food came from a food cart.
When they say it is going to rain and “be a washout” or my next favorite word “Nor’easter” do yourself a favor and try to stay home. Those two words can strike fear into many a New Yorker. It sucks and having to walk around in that shit really sucks.
Whenever you can – stop and take a look at the view.
Upside to living in a city that has 3 large airports – Taking a Non-Direct flight is for suckers!
The cost of a glass of wine can run about $14.00 and a Budlight can run north of $6.00. You do a lot of home drinking/Subway Coffee cups.
We had some snow a couple of weeks back that took me by surprise. Actually that isn’t true, it took everyone by surprise. What was supposed to be a light dusting actually turned into about 6 inches in the city and over a foot upstate and in Westchester & Rockland Counties. Mary Louise was out of town in Japan (recall this POST) so it was me and the dog. I learned something about the loss of Monkey Head Maddy when it snows. Maddy didn’t really care about snow and would plow through it with reckless abandon and Maya would follow her steps. It appears that Maya is a fancy girl and does’t like snow on her undercarriage.
I can’t really blame her but my dumbass was wearing probably the worst shoes next to flip flops when all of the snow hit. Rubber soled driving shoes. Yep my commute back to Downtown Brooklyn was wet sock filled. The snow wasn’t just bad on my subway commute. My boss took her over 7 hours to get home and one of my work co-horts took 4 hours getting home. Thankfully the snow was melted by Friday morning and Flights got back to normal by Saturday for Mary Louise’s arrival home.
Trust me when I hear that they forecast snow my ass will be wearing correct shoes.
We had some friends in town from Crime-Free Memphis and they had requested to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Do you recall back when we went to the Parade in 2015 as a guest of the Asian Fireman? They were forecasting that it would be a cold Thanksgiving Day. Actually it was a record breaking cold day 19 Degrees Fahrenheit (-7 for you Celsius folks) and nothing sucks more than standing out in the cold with no bathroom. Oh, on the day we saw the parade back in 2015? I think it was like 40 degrees so that was perfect. Thanks to Z(Squared) we were able to procure a proper viewing spot from his office to watch the parade.
Trust me when you see the parade from that vantage point I assure you that unless I am on a mudder fucking float with the fat man himself there isn’t any going back. I did get a little warm in the conference room overlooking the Avenue of America’s but having that bathroom is what is really is all about. Thank you to Z(Squared) for the hospitality. We will have you over for the Fireworks on July 4th.
Again A HUGE THANK YOU to Z(Squared) for the sweet vantage point. I know that our guests loved it and we did too!
Those of you who know that Mary Louise and I have a child always love to hear stories of his antics. The Little Bastid was up to no good the other day while he is in reform school upstate. Those of you who also have kids have probably been pranked by your children with the “How to cook a 25# Turkey in the Microwave” prank that is going around. The little bastid (he isn’t that smart) tried to get me….or was it the other way around.
Please note that I am trying to clean up my act because there is enough ugliness on Twitter right now. I mean would you have really clicked on this worthless dribble if the title were “You will probably get called an Asshole by a New Yorker if you do this.” Do you recall way back to the first Holiday Season when I posted about some ladies who stopped short in Times Square? Sadly I have turned into more of a bitter New Yorker and Marathon Sunday was the tipping point.
Marathon Sunday we were to venture up to Woodlawn in the Bronx for Wee Fi’s “Wizard of Oz” Seventh birthday. In order for us to get Metro North we have to get to Grand Central so we have to jump on a 4 Train at Nevins Station. Normally that isn’t a big deal but on this Sunday the 4 Train was packed tighter than a pair of pants at an all you can eat buffet. The train is full of Marathon Spectators who are in deep need of reading this list. Rather than have a full on Fucking-Come-Apart on a jackass who thinks that wearing a packed backpack doesn’t bother anyone else…..so I chose to come up with this list.
Below is the short list of suggestions that I would like to extend to anyone who is thinking of visiting New York. AKA – Don’t be this Asshole or you may get yelled at.
Walking on our City Streets, Subway Stairways, and Common Area Walkways – please remember these Two Fucking Rules; NEVER EVER stop in the middle of the above mentioned while in New York. I assure you will get run the hell over by a New Yorker who is walking at top speed. Second, and this goes without saying; LEAVE YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN YOUR POCKET! You don’t text and drive in your hometown, why do you you think you can text and walk up here? Too many people get yelled at on the streets for updating their Facebook updates. Step to the side if you have to text your cousin that you just saw someone famous.
While in cramped spaces (Subway, Elevator, walking into the Garden) take that backpack off of your back and just hold it in your hand. I promise that it may seem foreign reading this in Memphis or other parts of the US but it is a major No-No here in New York. Especially on the Subway! You will get yelled at.
While walking on our streets do us other people don’t walk side to side if you are a family of four. Want to really piss off some folks on the streets? Walk hand and hand. Oh and if you have strollers, you can only do that in Park Slope not in Manhattan during holiday season.
Asking Directions – Again this is going to seem foreign but try to know where you are going before you step out onto our streets. It isn’t so much about addresses it is the cross street and what direction is this sucker on the dividing line aka 5th Avenue. In other words know the lingo; East = East side of 5th Avenue. West = do we really have to do this? Uptown = North of 60th street. SoHo = South of Houston Street. Also Google Maps is your friend when trying to negotiate the subway. Trust me.
Be a Boy Scout – aka – be ready to act. This applies to when swiping your Metro Card at the Subway Turnstile. You don’t want to be digging in your pocket while at the turnstile. Ordering a bagel at a bodega….let me tell you that you will get a Soup Nazi comment from the deli worker or a “Can you hurry the Fuck up” from someone standing on line behind you.
Trust me when I say that It isn’t that New Yorkers are Rude, we are just in a Hurry. Hope that you had a good laugh and please don’t be “That Guy/Gal”!
I have a couple of posts that I am working on so I will probably share them with you next week. Next week Mary Louise is ‘again’ leaving my ass. What does that mean for me and the dog? Couch time and farting in my BVD’s.
Whomever did this is my hero. This is perfect Ina and Jeffrey.
Hello A.S.P.C.A. I have a compliant to file
Good to know that we live on Mile 8 of the Marathon. We still miss living in the UES on Marathon day. Trust me when I say it is electric
Thunder Alley is so great. Come off of the Ed Koch Bridge where it is quiet and cold and experience Thousands lined up on 1st Ave and its loud! So much Fun!
Poor Lightbulb (his nickname was already in place before he was born) done burned out at the party.
Fi & C-Man watching “The Wizard of Oz”
Not sure if this practice was taught by The Asian Fireman or the Asian Real Estate Rep. Anyway that was a virgin Mimosa aka straight OJ.
Supposed to be cold as balls this weekend. Time to break out the Canadian Goose Coat.